The Restlessness of a Middle Aged Woman

Do you ever feel that other people know the rules of the game but you don't ? Or that everyone else is dancing and you don't know the steps ? Or remember when you were a child and you watch other children play and you are longing be part of the fun but are too shy to ask to join in ?

I am extremely restless and bored at the moment, I feel that the world is passing me by and I'm just a spectator on life not an actual participant. I am enabling other people to have a fulfilled life but don't feel that my life is all it could be.

I know that I am the only person who can do anything about this but this is the first time I am not being apologetic about doing something that will make me happier. I'm putting my cards on the table and I am going to regain control of my life.

So I am going to make some changes, the "I'd like to run away from my life" can't happen because I have others who rely on me, but my arse would just be a blur if it wasn't for that so I've started with my hair, sad but true women do do drastic things with their appearance when they are feverish for change.

My job is next and then I am going for my "no regrets" personal happiness manifesto.

New Year New Me

Okay I have wallowed in my misery, gazed at my navel and had my pity party. Thank you for all your kind comments, emails and texts, I do appreciate it.

Time to move on. I never make New Year Resolutions, not sure why but these are not resolutions per se, this is me attempting to clarify what I want from life.

If I blog this, you can all help me, yes I know I'm lazy and I should do this all by my own self, but you're all such lovely people and you all have such different lives and experiences and viewpoints. Please join in and make suggestions, set me little challenges, open my eyes and make me think. I want you all to check in from time to time to see how I'm getting on with my plan

I want to decide what career I'm going to have - will I stay in teaching or retrain ? What other jobs can I do ?

I would like to be more patient with my own children as I seem to use it all up with other people's

I would like to be fitter, my running has all but stopped but I'd like to do more

I want to lose some of the weight I've put on - I will eat less and move around more

I want to be a better friend, I am getting shockingly bad at keeping in touch

I want to be more organised

I want my house to be cleaner and tidier ( no I can't lose the kids)

I want to stop depending on other people to make me happy - I need to learn to make myself happy

I want to stop feeling like a failure because I am single - a spouse or partner does not automatically make people happy and I must try to remember this

I want to have peace of mind

I want to feel truly happy again