Facebook envy

My mate Bill is a very fine fellow, the most amusing of amusing people. He has the best social life and the most understanding wife in the world. He has it sussed. His facebook statuses never cease to make me howl.

My personal faves from Bill in the last week have included

finished the night in the Port O Leith, watching fist fights and Smurfs dancing on the bar. Best pub in Edinburgh by a country mile!

made it back from Paris intact, with Monkey Boy fit and well. Highlights included a beggar with a rabbit, a tramp doing a jobby on a roundabout and touching a famous penis in Pere Lachaise cemetary!

I so wish I was living in Edinburgh again, how much fun would it be to be out with Bill on a regular basis? This blog would be so much more entertaining - Hot Boy and Bill on a night out? Quality.

More FaceBook Fun

This was something The Beautiful Son posted on his wall yesterday

I really can hate my sister sometimes. This parents is why you only have one child.
23 hours ago


2 people like this.


"Fair play to the boy", you might be saying or "Poor lad, he must have an awful time, living in the house of perpetual pre menstrual tension"

For the readers who don't actually know The Beautiful Children...

My son was the second born child.

Things I don't understand the 2011 remix

I read on my friends FaceBook that she was going to the Doctors to have her contraceptive implant taken out.

I wondered firstly why she felt the need to tell us all.

Then I wondered why she needed one.

She's gay.

Nature v Nurture

The Beautiful Son and his first girlfriend have split up. Eldest Beautiful Daughter read it on the book of face and told me. I told Beautiful Baby Daughter and explained that although he annoys the crap out of her, she was to make allowances and under no circumstances give him a hard time.

I asked him how he was and he actually said "These things happen, it just wasn't working" I was a nice kind Mummy and didn't laugh, it was a 6 month thing, that's fairly heavy duty at his age.

Readers, we were worn out being nice to him, I was fetching cups of coffee in bed for him, watching what he wanted on TV, ordering pizza in, trying really, really hard to wrap him up in a big blanket of love.

I shouldn't have bothered.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter read his Formspring (for the middle aged non facebookers amongst you it is a thing where you can ask him anything and you can remain anonymous)

On this Formspring there were several enquiries asking why he'd dumped her, heavy duty guilt about how miserable she is, lots of comments on the new leggy blonde thing who has been worshipping at the altar of Jack for several months and a few enquiries about his parentage. I can assure you I was married to his dad, I have the lawyers bill to prove it.

I was not happy.

Neither were his sisters.

So, this bold boy of mine, who had been brought up to respect, no, actually revere women has dumped a lovely wee girl, has had a replacement lined up, had us, the women in his life in flitters looking after him because we think he's been dumped and not cracked a light?

As his big sister says "We fail, he's turned into a bloke"

Confession Time

I know I have been very scathing in the past but I will fess up and admit I've joined facebook. So all you regular facebook users will have to keep me right, there are lots of things I still don't quite get and I have a fear I'll be bored with it very shortly.

Resist the urge to throw back your head and laugh like a muskateer as I have been mocked heartily by Edge for it already and I am still slightly confused by it all, especially by the wee thingy that pops up and someone is trying to talk to me, but I have managed to put a wee comment up or reply to my real friends.

I'm not sure of the etiquette of it all yet, I can't seem to refuse to be someone's friend even if I don't know them and in consequence have found myself never short of a wee bible verse or a life coaching kind of a homily.

I have some new friends already, I am very popular with American men. Even more popular with American men who run and also with American Pastor men and as for American Pastor men who run, they just love your auntie!

I am also quite popular with my daughter's friends, I don't accept them as friends though, just too weird, I always get slightly freaked when I read her friends (very middle aged) dad trying to be funny.

So I have it now and I have the American men but what do I do with it? The people I really know on it, I kinda know what they're up to, well as much as I need to know, I already like one of my friends less. I live with one of them and I definitely know enough about her life, I like it better in mummy denial land, so what am I doing with it? I already have the blog to spout off my rubbish.

So I'm thinking about lying on a grand scale with it, make myself look uber windswept and interesting (yes I know that's German, I thought maybe you were getting a bit bored with badly spelled French words and NB's practising his for his holiday to Precisionwithnohumourland.)

So can I say I've come into money ? off on a world trip and post pictures of where I'd like to go ? Can I post pictures of supermodels and say I've had surgery ? Say I'm shagging all the celebrities on my celebrity shag list all at the same time?

I am wondering though if it's okay to say I'm in a relationship with David Tennant one week and then David Ginola the next ?

Where's the harm ?

The Mystery of Facebook

Now, your auntie has been very scathing about facebook. I've been asked several times if I have one and I have replied in a very derisory tone "No, because I am a grown up" Hardly a shining example of the genre but my birth certificate tells me I am, so who am I to disagree ?

So, never having succumbed to the fascination of facebook I was a tad surprised and even bemused when I received an email informing me that a Mr Unknown Male had added me as a friend on facebook and I had to click on the link to confirm this request. So being a biddable sort, I duly clicked on the link and was asked for my email address, which I gave and then my email password which I gave and lo and behold there was a facebook account belonging to me. Apparently I joined in October 2008, but on that day, nay at that very time I joined I was having the joy of a delayed flight and was stopping World War 3 breaking out between the weans in Dalaman airport.

Curious ? so was I. There was no photo of me but it had my correct date of birth and my real name, the one that's in my passport. I know this will surprise you but I will fess up to you now, dear readers, auntiegwen is not my actual name ! I've done it now, it's like the tooth fairy and Santa Claus disappointments all over again. I am sorry but there are some people in the world who don't call me auntiegwen.

Now this, unknown to me man, was very kind to say that he enjoyed my blog in his wee message, which confuses me even further because at no point in the last 2 years have I ever mentioned my real name. I have very few people who read my blog that know me in real life and so know my other name and this very kind man who has good taste in blogs is not someone I know.

Now, nice kind man, if I do know you, I apologize profusely for not remembering you, my caveats are I am middle aged, I have 3 kids, 3 different jobs and a total of 96 students, I have 2 parenting groups with a total of 43 mums and 46 babies to remember the names of and most days I can't find my keys. Memory is not a major skill.

So please explain to me before my head bursts with my overwhelming "need to know" ness

How did I get a facebook account in the first place when I didn't sign up ? Answers on a postcard please.

How did the nice unknown man know my real name if he only knows me from the blog ?

So please, nice man who wants to be my facebook friend be kind enough to email me @ auntiegwen@yahoo.co.uk and put me out of my misery of mental musing and meandering.

I am very grateful you brought this to my attention, can you imagine my embarassment if people were searching for me and found out I had no friends ? auntiegwennie no mates.