Monday 22 June 2009

auntiegwen's guide of what not to do - lesson 1 make up, hair and personal grooming for the 40 something woman.

Make up

It is not a good idea to be seduced into a free make over using the new seasons colours IF

The Clarins lady is a child who looks like she's been at the paint box. That's your starter for 10.

You will be made to sit on a very high chair in the middle of Boots with a NAKED face and your hair very unattractively pinned back from your face showing your sticky out ears that you are still conscious of.

This child will then examine your pores with a magnifying glass and then realise your face is old. No shit, Sherlock.

The child will then proceed to give you "a glamorous evening look" This means your face will not match the rest of you, as you will be attired in your normal Gap jeans, Petit Bateau kids vest and fit flops.

The result would be a slightly more ramped up version of Jodie Harsh. Who knew you could have all the colours of the Jamaican flag on your eyes?

If I have not put you off, schedule this at the end of your shopping trip, not the beginning, it is quite surprising for unwary shoppers going about their business.


In the interests of economy you may decide to not pay a proper fully trained and experienced hairdresser to cover up your grey hairs. You may decide you can give yourself a "nice wee rinse" and save the cash, you may like your auntie be doing the justification maths - "if I dye my own hair I will save £80 a pop, 6 times a year, feck that's £480, a pair of Choo's and a cake on the way home"

You will be in Boots (wisely avoiding the Clarins child and her free feckin make overs) and you may choose a Botanics Bitter Chocolate (yep the irony wasn't lost on your auntie either) semi permanent rinse.

When you get home, you may like myself, sequester yourself in your bathroom, and apply as per instructions. It is probably not best done after a large glass of the red stuff furthermore it may be wise to avoid having a 2nd glass whilst you are waiting. Also this is not the time to apply anything else to your person (this will be covered in full in section 3)

It is a very bad idea to be harangued by your son to come watch the new Michael McIntyre DVD he got for his birthday, in doing so you will leave the Botanics Bitter Chocolate "nice wee rinse" on for 6 times as long as it says you should.

Your hair will not be Bitter Chocolate at the end, it will be a kind of 1950's Glaswegian Bingo Caller Black. You, however will be both bitter and in need of chocolate.

Personal Grooming

I can't be faffed with all this waxing stuff. However, it is summer and more of me is on show than normal, steady, I meant shins. Also I am preparing for when I am in a situation with another person that requires me to remove more than my cardigan, well, you never know!

I unearth a very old and manky tube of Immac and whilst waiting for the hair dye, I apply liberally and with abandon all about my personage, under arms, legs, bikini line. Remember I'm one glass of the red stuff down. So I am sat on the loo (yes I know this is TMI) but I've nowhere else to sit in my loo and I am flicking through Red magazine.

I am harangued by son to watch DVD so I throw on my dressing gown and go. Very biddable sort I am.

When I go for my shower I am amazed at what manky old Immac can remove. I am completely hairless. My pudenda looks startled without her fringe. This is a look I am very unused to.

Recap and Plenary

Avoid children with make up brushes
Avoid wine whilst attempting any kind of spruce yourself up stuff
Do not be overenthusiastic with hair removal cream, even if it's old it still works.
If the thoughts "sure, where's the harm" "nae bother" or "what's the worst that can happen" enter your head at ANY point in the proceedings, stop immediately.


menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Brilliant! Perhaps the key is to just not sink a third of a bottle of wine before commencing! It impairs your judgement y'know!

scrappysue said...

so, how bitter WAS that chocolate?!

Anonymous said...

Those make up girls SCARE me. I scuttle through Boots avoiding eye contact and feel I ought to have a garlic and crucifix with me,


Anonymous said...

After numerous (I don't learn easily) run-ins with 'free make-over' women I ahve determined that the only one worth risking is Bobbi Brown. They have some idea of what it is to make you look normal.

As for wine induced depilitation - just lucky you didn't mix that Immac up with the hair dye I suppose!

sixpence said...

Bless you - didn't anyone tell you you're gorgeous enough as it is?


Jo said...

that has just cheered me up - I turned 45 yesterday and I'm feeling bloody miserable at the moment, are you supposed to feel like that at this age? mind you the grey hairs and flabby bits might have something to do with it, mmm wine and hair dye might have a go at that....
Josie x

Laura said...

The shocking thing about this post (for me) was the fact that you managed to sit though a whole DVD of Michel McIntyre as funny as he is that accent is pure dead annoying lol

Madame DeFarge said...

I shall take this lesson to heart. I never go near the make-up places, not since I was accused of looking like Ruby, the scrubber from Upstairs Downstairs whilst at Uni. I had a thing about blue eyeshadow. i thought it looked cool. Clearly not.

softinthehead said...

What no photo of the amazing results!! I have given up on the "colour" aisle now and am going with my "natural" highlights :)

Shirley said...

Definitely need some pix, dear AG. Mental images -- while immensely entertaining -- probably don't do you justice. :-)

Catherine said...

Hilarious! Goes to show that nothing beats "natural beauty"!

Anonymous said...

Obviously that can't all be taught from personal experience, right? RIGHT?

Imogen Lamport, AICI CIP said...

The only people allowed to look at my pores are the other over 40s who have failing eyesight.

Nota Bene said...


with synmpathy

lisaq said...

Haha...I learned the hard way to leave the hair coloring to the professionals. Then, years later, I forgot the lesson only to have to relearn it the hard way. There's a reason those girls charge what they do. They know once we screw it up, we'll have no choice but to pay them to fix it and we'll be so terrified to try it again, that we will pay their ridiculous prices!

auntiegwen said...

Mob - you're very wise

Sue - it's fairly bitter

GG - they really are a breed apart, are the French ones more scary and snooty ?

Mud - yes that would have been worse, Bobbi Brown huh ? may try that

Sixy - only you and for that I thank you my lovely friend xx

Josie - he loves you just as you are and thats fab x happy belated birthday xx

Lolly - I know what you mean but the son thinks he's hysterical

Madame - I am sure you looked most delightful with the blue eyeshadow, after the Clarins lady was done with me I looked like Mrs Bridges. If you are reading this and thinking I don't get it, you are clearly too young to be reading this blog, be off with you and reappear when you have a grey hair.

Softie - it twas too scary to blog, I just can't go grey yet, it would be easier but I'm not ready

Shirley - it was not a pretty sight

Adventure Mother - sadly even in my teens and 20's I needed cosmetic enhancement, how good would it be to be born beautiful ? jings, I'd settle for naturally not scary to the public when in possession of a naked face.

Dutchy - that was my Friday x

Imogen - you are clearly my kind of girl, I concur most heartily

NB - hahahahahahaha feck off

Lisa - she's had her revenge, I have very short hair when I was trying to grow it again