Sunday 28 June 2009

auntiegwens guide of what to do lesson 2 - Parenting - the teenage years

Da dun dun, cue scary music.

Parenting teenagers is a doddle if you've worked in a zoo or on peace keeping missions in Iraq. Most of us haven't, have some more of my handy hints.

Don't watch Skins or Hollyoaks, especially Skins, it will fret you.

Don't ask questions that you won't like the answer to. I work on a strictly need to know basis. I'm sure that's much better for my peace of mind.

Find a good hiding place for your stuff. Teenage girls in particular think that any cosmetics/perfumes/toiletries that are in the house belong to anyone that needs them. This goes for shoes, clothes and jewellery too, it is much worse if you are the same size, your 17 year old daughter looks so much better in all your clothes. Teenage boys think all food in the house belongs to them, no matter how many times you tell them that if it's a fruit and nut toblerone it's yours, they'll still eat it.

Music has to be played at 1 decibel below ear bleeding to be fully appreciated by the teenage ear. Train them early to like your music, it hurts less when you like what's being played.

Choose your battles carefully - sure where's the harm if they look like they got dressed in the dark or have been at the dressing up box. Take pictures, lots of them - in years to come you'll have hours of enjoyment looking at the cut of them.

If you put food in the fridge, it will be eaten. If there is beer, it will be drunk. If your house gets the rep of having such items you will be descended on by a plague of hungry/thirsty teenagers. This is expensive.

They appear not to get tidier with age. You would think that having 3 teens you could delegate some of the chores out, spread the weight a bit. You can try. Good luck with that.

The behaviour level is sometimes similar to the toddler phase, especially when the hormone fairy has visited, they are significantly less cute though.

What excited them when they were 5, will excite them again at 16/17/18. They love trampolines, bouncy castles and jelly. If you do a birthday party with kids games like pass the parcel and provide alcohol, you will have some very happy teenagers.

Remember when your adorable little cherub of a toddler got you up at 6am every day ? It is incredibly enjoyable to go into a teenagers bedroom (double the fun if they're hungover/woke you up when they stumbled in drunk/vomited in a bathroom cleaned that very day)and wake them up. You can bounce on their bed, open the curtains and say in a nice cheerful tone "S'morning now, morning now, get up, get up, get up, I'm wake now, entertain me, hungry now, bored now, can we go to the park ?" or any other little saying your cherub was fond of in their pre dawn years.


Jo said...

Josie x

Subville said...

I love you, and I'm gonna make this my desktop wallpaper :D x

softinthehead said...

It sounds like you enjoy that much too much - wicked - packback, its so sweet - LOL

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nota Bene said...

Ah yes - last para is cruel fun. And let me assure you that if you're a man, para 4 applies to your son.

Shouldn't there be a licence to keep these creatures?

Helena said...

lol...I'll have to try the pass the parcel game. Could wrap some little shots in loads of paper and watch how desperate they get.

I'm off to read the first part now. My youngest is in love at the moment, I've virtually no toiletries left.....!

Anonymous said...

Oh Auntie!! We are definitely living the same life!! I have no toiletries of my own left, apart from on stubby eyeliner and an old lippy. Even tampax - she is still a bit squemish about using them...but this doesn't stop her opeing a whole pack of 30 fekkin tampons, ruining them and LEAVING the broken ones littered ACROSS THE BATHROOM FLOOR!!AAAAAGH!!

Working Mum said...

I am sooooo looking forward to waking her up at 6am! Thanks for that glimmer of a positive thought about parenting a teenager.

Laura said...

I so want a party with Jelly and pass the parcel and I'm 33 lol

Saz said...

Great do know your stuff eh? Love the way you write, effortlessly and with humour...thanks for the email telling me...

Tim Atkinson said...

I'm taking notes here...

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you what the really scary bit is.

When they live at home every cereal bowl is eventually discovered under their bed and the carpet hasn't seen daylight for years.

Once they buy their own place it's immaculate.

I'm threatening to come and bounce on his bed a million times and be sick on his carpets to get him back.


Madame DeFarge said...

I think my parents could have done with your advice when I was going through my silent teens. No rebellion as such, just no communication for about three eyars.

Anonymous said...

I'm so behind (again!)
I love this - it's absolute genius! xxx

lisaq said...

Haha...nicely done once again! I have to say that one of the advantages of the girls moving out is that I always know where my clothes, shoes and jewelery are. Then again, it has significantly shrunk my wardrobe as well considering I borrowed their things as often as they borrowed mine. :-D

auntiegwen said...

Josie - you know exactly what I mean ! x

Subz - another fellow teen mummy ? welcome x

Softy - they always say revenge is a dish best served cold :)

Mobs - yep how could I forget the cattle prod ? How is it possible for creatures who do so little to need so much sleep ?????

NB - training would be appropriate, anyone fancy my brand of teen training ? I'll do it on mates rates for you

Lena - I've still got to wait for my son to fall out of love with me, I remain unsurpassed as the alpha female in his life

M - oh yes, we've said it before, we have each others lives right enough !

WM - oh it's great, if you time it correctly you can have your menopause to coincide with their puberty, your husband will go live in the shed then !

Lolly - now I want to give you a party with pass the parcel and jelly ! x

FFF - ah yes, all join in the familiar refrain, my life is funny if you're not living it !

Tim - watch and learn (from my mistakes)

GG - I cannot ever imagine Eldest Beautiful Daughter ever being tidy, I'll be so cross if she delevolps housewifey skills post living with me.

Madame - I was that type of teen too, lived with them but very separately

Penelope - you know how horrible they really are !!!! x

Lisa - I don't have that advantage, they wear mine but I don't get reciprocal priviledges !

scrappysue said...

miss 17's new boyfriend just introduced her to 'skins'. he's a fan. they watched some of it here - so much teenage ANGST!!!

auntiegwen said...

Sue - it's too scarily like real life for me

Jon Storey said...

Thank God for this reassurance, I thought it was just my family........

auntiegwen said...

Jon - no, no never fear auntie's here, no one can be weirder that the beautiful children