Thursday 19 November 2009

In which we inflict our weirdness on an unsuspecting world.

I have some little quirks of personality that make me unique, you undoubtedly do yourself and so have The Beautiful Children. We know and love each other and we're pretty cool with each others weird stuff. When we are at home we do have lots of chat and everyone tries to outfunny each other, we are a big fat bunch of show offs and a whole heap of strange. But you kinda don't notice that in your own house where you exist in a cosy little vacuum.

But we went out today, all together, the family Von auntiegwen went to the dentist.

We arrived and were met by the world's most sullen dental nurse (Olympic standard for sure), we did some form filling in and then entered the waiting room. Cue the Twilight Zone music. There aren't 4 seats together so we find seats where we can. Now regular humans are there, being quiet. This does not perturb The Beautiful Children at all, they continue to hold their conversation across the room, they didn't get the memo that says you have to be quiet in any kind of a place that smells antiseptic and people wear white uniforms.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter starts getting twitchy because on the wall there is a plug socket, a double plug socket and one switch is on and the other is off. They have to be both on or both off, yep, this is the same one who has a phobia of feet. So I can see her looking and I wonder if she'll get up and flick the switch in a nonchalant fashion or if she'll hyperventilate and faint. Oh no, the bold girl herself, marched up and switched them both to off and explained to a rather startled waiting room that uneven switches make her feel sick, then proceeded to tell them how in her sociology class there is a row of 3 double plugs and she has now trained the teacher to sort them before her lesson. She returns to her seat, not a bother on her and I flippantly (I know everythings my fault before you start) say "Good girl yourself, I thought you were going to have to sort the magazines out"

Oh my, back up she gets and starts to tidy the magazines up, she arranges them in size order and straightens out the bent covers and makes them all line up exactly in a row.

Then The Beautiful Son chips in with "You didn't arrange them by genre or date, you're such a fail at OCD, they'll take your badge back off you"

So with every eye in the room on her and the regular humans beginning to wonder if we should be out without a carer back up she gets and starts to re sort the magazines.

We have been waiting around 15 minutes or so when The Beautiful Son gets up and has a wander round the room, reading the notices, still talking loudly in his very exaggerated Scottish accent about when he was a laddie (he pretends to be a very old Scottish man, he sounds like an unsexy Sean Connery) when he stops in front of a picture that has 3 photos of smiling mouths and he exclaims in delight (so much so that he forgot to do the accent) "Look, it's me, remember when Mr Dentist took my photo the last time" and he points to a very obviously female mouth, in his defense it was the nicest one. His sisters hoot with derision and tell him that a- this is a woman's mouth and b- that photo was an x ray. He recovers quickly and back in unsexy Sean Connery voice retorts " Ah dinnae ken why he was xraying ma mooth, it wisnae even a bit broken"

The Beautiful Baby Daughter who is the most functional and sensible of us all looks totally disgusted and disgruntled at her fate of being landed with us, the weird family. She plugs her thumb back in her mouth, puts her ipod in and ignores us, she still manages to look more adult than the other 2 combined. This is actually quite hard to do whilst sucking your thumb.

The waiting room are perplexed at the bizarre theatre of strange before them but are glad when we are called through. We could hear (from the other room) and were hurt by the collective sigh of relief.

We don't have our usual dentist but a new one, a Sith Afrikken one, and now TBS morphs into a bad Nelson Mandela Accent and "yisses and viry nice to meet yi" to the new dentist and we all get a clean bill of health, 3 weans all teens and not a filling between them, ever, in their whole life, surely that's worth a good mummy badge?

As we get ready to leave, I'm sure to the whole building's delight and I have to make the new appointment with the sullen girl, remember her? from the beginning of this long and sorry tale, she asks us who we want the appointment with and The Beautiful Son decides he's going to make her smile, with his bad patter, and starts off with a "I've been wi Mr Dentist since I wis a wee laddie, fur 9 years I've been cummin heer and fur 17 of these 18 times I've had Mr Dentist, he's ma pal and I dinnae want 1 of yer new fancy dentists, I'm loyal to ma ain dentist"

And right on cue behind him comes his own dentist who is more than a little surprised to be so enthusiastically greeted by TBS who grabs and shakes his hand all the while explaining that he didn't choose to be unfaithful to him (still in the bad old man unsexy Sean voice) that it was sullen girls fault for sending him to the other dentist. This was accompanied by pointing and wagging of finger to sullen girl. Who has upgraded to being cross and sullen and is now in training to be a Doctors receptionist. Or in therapy.

Like I say, we don't go out much with the regular humans.


Anonymous said...

Regular humans are largely boring ones and I'm with your daughter on the plug switches!

Nota Bene said...

I so love your family. There's a reality TV series here that would put the Osbournes to shame...perhaps we could book you all for our office Christmas party too? xx

indigo16 said...

My eldest two rarely venture out with me, as it tends to be me rather then they who act the fool. If I had a pound for eveytime they told me to "sush" I could retire.
Leyla of course is a mini toranado and can publically humiliate them every time, hence her dentist appointment is on her own!

Madame DeFarge said...

You can come to my dental surgery anytime you want. It needs a bit of sparkle around the place. And yes, you deserve the Mummy Good Teeth award. well done. Especially, with them being Scottish and everything. Not enough soor plooms when they were young then.

Madame DeFarge said...

You can come to my dental surgery anytime you want. It needs a bit of sparkle around the place. And yes, you deserve the Mummy Good Teeth award. well done. Especially, with them being Scottish and everything. Not enough soor plooms when they were young then.

Laura said...

heheheh! I absolutley love your family!!

Rarelesserspotted said...

This is the funniest thing I've read for ages... why you've never turned your talent to writing for a living I have no idea. You have more talent in your first paragraph than a lot of writers who occupy Sainsbury's shelves.

Shirley said...

ah hahahahaha! Thank you for a full-on belly laugh, AG. 'Twas needed today.

Three-fourths of this month is behind you. :-))

Gigi said...

This was absolutely hilarious!!!!! And yeah - I'm with your daughter on the switches. THEY ALL NEED TO BE FACING THE SAME WAY!!! And no, I don't have problem!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

That receptionsist will get her own back by training as a dentist and extacting every tooth you have!

God, what is it about snooty receptionists? They are the front office and people can be nervous. She sounds lke nurse Ratchette out of One Flew Over the whatsits nest!

Helena said...

What a brilliant post! My daughters surgery would adore patients as such! The majority are cosmetic customers and a bit uppity so Kerri loves the family apps.

She'll blow up a glove and put it on her head and then cluck like a chicken to help calm the kids. When she calls me from work, I can hear her taking strips of wallpaper off with the drills and I won't even go into where the suction tubes go! She has her own quirks, too. Won't eat a meal if there's a door open around her.

auntiegwen said...

Mud - surprisingly lots of people are

NB - that would fund my divorce!xx

Alison - Leyla would fit right in here

Madame - I am disproportionally proud of their teeth

Lolly - because you don't have to live with them

RLS - I refrain from posting loads of stuff about the kids as people wouldn't believe it !

Shirley - yeay, November's nearly gone

Gigi - I'll be posting a complete list of all our weirdness shortly

Mob - I know, where do they get them????

Lena - that's a new one, open doors eh ? nice to know it's not just mine then