And that, my friends, was August

My August went something like this

work, laundry, shopping (of the supermarket variety, not the nice ladies things variety), try to stop kids from killing each other, try not to kill the kids myself, eat ever such a lot less but still not lose weight, be very very tired, repeat to fade.

And in other news...

I gave up ironing, doing everyone's ironing on a Sunday night made me feel like I did when I was a kid, doing my homework at the last minute, so I gave up, we are embracing the casually dishevelled look. The beautiful children are not best pleased, they're not arsed enough to do it themselves but they are great big glowering and sulking masses of crumpled Jack Willsness.

I had a birthday which made me old and a trip to the Isle of Wight where it appeared to be 1977 in the place I was in, I adored it, I wanted to buy a flat in Sandown but wasn't allowed, meaners. I actually saw the shop windows of my childhood with dresses hung from the ceiling with fishing wire, and cardigans fanned out on the base of the window and a wee note attached saying "Lovely on"

That was the nice bit, oh I got a Kindle too and other nice lady things such as perfume and flowers and some strange assortment of presents which make me think - have they met me?

My son, the 6 foot 2 lump of useless, let his friend Henry try and burn a smiley face onto his arm with a lighter which has still not healed 3 weeks later. You probably heard me, he got full fat cross shouty shreikeyness, stupid stupid boy. This is a child who actually possesses qualifications and now has a hole in his arm, again (in capitals for emphasis) STUPID STUPID BOY AND I DON'T FECKIN CARE HOW MANY FECKIN GCSE'S YOU GOT, YOU ARE A STUPID STUPID BOY. I am still cross about this, I will still be cross at Christmas most probably.

I have spent masses of time in hospitals recently both work and not work and I have turned into the visitor/relative I used to hate. The one who says "I used to be a nurse you know" and follows it up with "in my day" I hate myself for it but I'm not madly impressed. I am not even satisfied.

I have a new car, it is temporary until my company car arrives, it is a Renault Megane, it has an internal sat nav and a strange radio. Both of which defeat me on a daily basis. I am now officially my mother.

And speaking of my mother, she has been on a diet, a very successful one. In truth she is existing on black tea, water and porridge, as my dad says she is the only geriatric anorexic in Glasgow. She has no other conversation except how many pounds she's lost, she tells my sister and I, a lot. A big lot. We are fed up being told how easy it is to lose weight if you just don't eat. We were kind enough not to mention that she's been no stranger to a fish supper for the last few decades so we wish her to stop weighing us with her eyes and shut the feck up.

So if you've read to the bottom I apologise for not putting in a "Middle aged woman ranting" alert, but thanks for reading and a big thanks to those of you who texted, emailed and commented wondering where I'd been.

So, what have you lot been up to?

In which I reflect on why I'm tired

On Friday, I did a full days work, drove 200 miles and got stressed about parking taking the children to see Peter Kay. On Saturday morning I was back to being a bad mummy for not driving BBD the mile to cheerleading in the blazing sunshine, so I got up and walked with her, rather than sit in the sunshine with my book, I know, that is matenal devotion personified, isn't it? So we walk and this was the focus of the conversation.

BBD - I'm so looking forward to Hot Boy coming on holiday with us, it'll be so much better with someone else there, you're so boring on holiday, all you want to do is relax and read your book.

ag - when you're a Mummy you'll realise it's because it's tiring being a single parent with 3 kids and a Hot Boy, a job, a house that no one else cleans, laundry, ironing, shopping, heating up (I don't even bother now to pretend to t'internets I cook) and driving service, a cash machine, a sorter out of problems and a referee for all your disagreements

BBD - God Mummy, it's not like we don't appreciate you.

I won't bother telling you about my raised eyebrow at this, you can put that bit in yourself.

Saturday evening - my only Saturday evening without the 2 younger children this month, my night off, if you please, I arrange to meet best friend in the pub for wine and food and probably a moan about my weans. Just as I'm about to leave, EBD floats in and enquires where I'm off to, on being told the pub starts to pout.

EBD - Mummy I can't be on my own now, I've got too used to being in Halls where everyone is around all the time, Hot Boy got a free ticket to see The Vaccines and I've got no one to play with.

Oh you so know I took EBD to the pub, where she got free food and wine and she got to moan about how crap it is to be a student.

Nope, I've no idea why I'm tired either.

Humans in Training

Now, you all know how much I love The Beautiful Children but I have to confess that they rely on me just slightly less than when they were babies. I am at their beck and call 24 hours per day. No matter what I am doing, if they need something, they just interrupt me with a plaintive "Mummeeeeeeee, I need you to...." They will shout from one end of the house to the other for me, I don't respond to shouting so then they will text me or call my mobile asking for grapes to be fed to them or some other such nonsense. No one except me can find any feckin thing in this house. My family lose things a lot.

They think nothing of waking me up to ask me to find something, last Saturday Beautiful Baby Daughter woke me up before 7 to ask me where her majorette stick was. I then had to get up and watch her twirl to some very brain addling pop music for 20 minutes and that was before my coffee. She loves to put on shows for me, sometimes I get them twice daily. No matter what I'm doing, if she needs something she has to come first. Last week I looked after my friends baby and BBD accused me of not paying her and her dancing any attention, I was pushing a baby in a swing !!! She gets very cross if I'm on the phone, she demands to know who I'm talking to and she says things like " you never do anything with me" That's because I'm too busy finishing all the jobs I leave undone as I keep getting interrupted.


Eldest Beautiful Daughter has rang and rang and rang during lessons convincing me that I need to answer the phone as some disaster has surely befallen her only to find she is looking for her skinny jeans. She constantly needs driving places and she says things like "but you want me to be safe, Mummy" and I'm always taking her to buy shoes, that child goes through Converse like you wouldn't believe. I spend a disproportionate amount of time sorting clothes out for her, her laundry load is phenomenal. She has the attention span of a house fly and if there are no matey's around I get the "I'm bored Mummy, entertain me" and she talks nonsense at me till my ears bleed.

The Beautiful Son rings and texts me constantly asking if he's allowed anything else to eat, this is an omnipresent worry for him. He's no sooner finished eating one meal and he's looking for his "afters" or his snack and God help me if I say we're having brunch, he looks at me like I've just kicked a puppy. Amalgamation of meals is something his little brain is unable to comprehend. This boy likes 3 meals per day, 2 with afters and at least 4 snacks. He also has real difficulties in finding things and is getting slightly obsessed with doors being locked (since EBD mad mate came in shouting and TBS locked himself in the loo cos he thought we were being burgled) and he accompanies me round the house at night to ensure it's locked, he also doesn't like to be downstairs on the computer on his own, so I have to sit there till he's finished before I can go to bed. He also likes to be asleep before me. He likes to go to bed at 11, I like to go at 9.30 ( I've got an early morning majorette show) so I am now perpetually knackered.

This is in addition to the 5 courses I teach and all the prep for that, I do all the washing, cooking (ok, heating up), cleaning, shopping, ironing, driving and anything else that needs doing.I could also do a spot of United Nations peace keeping as I am constantly refereeing between them. They often ask me which one I love the most, each child thinks a different one is the favourite. TBS used to ask which one I'd save first if there was a fire ( what goes on in my kid's brains ?) but stopped after EBD said it would be him as he's too stupid to get himself out. God, is it any wonder I've got grey hair ?

My week without the weans got down graded to Fri and Sat night without them, so EBD went on Thurs night and came back on Sunday afternoon, TBS and BBD went on Fri night and came back Tues afternoon so all the things I'd planned to do to the blog didn't get done, aw well, there's always next year.

ps yesterday I was so feckin demented with their wants I recorded a new voicemail message which I think put my point across quite well, so ring me and have a listen.