On Saturday my dear friend C took me to a comedy club. We both really enjoy stand up and the last time we went we saw Russell Kane who was great and another guy who we can't remember his name but now has his own TV show. So we had high hopes.
When we saw a man trying to fit through a narrow door with a guitar on his back and boing back like a cartoon we laughed, who knew that would be the only laugh of the night?
Then he turned and I realised I'd been on 3 dates with him, and your auntie's not laughing anymore. He's a stand up comedian who was the least funny man I've ever met, I genuinely thought I was way funnier than he was.
After watching his act, C agreed, I am so much more entertaining. C put the card for a stand up competition in my bag and thinks I should have a go, what thinketh you dear readers, would you come cheer your auntie on?
Never mind, the gin flowed, the chips we had in the interval were good, we agreed that there are no good men left to date where we live and I am still way too fussy. Thank God for friends.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, 23 August 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
Ask and ye shall receive
Last month I wrote about how fussy I was and how lazy I was at finding a man, and to that end I asked you to find me one and send him round. Well, I got an email from a chap called Paul. It read
Hello ..
Can i say i have just been looking at your picture and i know this sounds strange but you and my friend Richard would make a great couple.
I dont usually make a point at being cuiped but it would be a shame to miss out on it.
He is 48, single lives in Warwick was married for 25 years and now single for 2 years,
he use to be on a dating site but came off after a few weeks as he thought everyone were players and too many married people on there..
I hope you dont mind me telling you this take care Paul
Now it is extremely kind of Paul to write in and proffer up his friend, any more coming this way or should I just have a go with Richard?
Hello ..
Can i say i have just been looking at your picture and i know this sounds strange but you and my friend Richard would make a great couple.
I dont usually make a point at being cuiped but it would be a shame to miss out on it.
He is 48, single lives in Warwick was married for 25 years and now single for 2 years,
he use to be on a dating site but came off after a few weeks as he thought everyone were players and too many married people on there..
I hope you dont mind me telling you this take care Paul
Now it is extremely kind of Paul to write in and proffer up his friend, any more coming this way or should I just have a go with Richard?
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
A good heart these days, is hard to find
Last week I spend a huge amount of time and care writing about my friend. I'm only sorry you can't see it for twas ace (for writing that I do, not for proper writers obv). I was writing a profile for her to put on a dating site and I can assure you even I wanted to date her after reading it, she has been overwhelmed at the response it has had.
She was spurred on to do this by someone else we know meeting a fantastic guy and being blissfully loved up, I now know several couples who've met via t'internets and they all seem pretty happy. As my (blissfully happy with new man) friend said to me "Prince Charming won't drop out of a clear blue sky or arrive at your door in a taxi, you have to work at finding him" I didn't care for her tone, quite frankly.
And why can't Prince Charming arrive at my door in a taxi, that seems like a fairly good proposition to a lazy article like me.
So after a very witty and charming description of my very witty and charming friend we had to think about what she wanted in a man and from a relationship, she seems very open to most things and quite low in expectations.
Unlike her pal.
Unfortunately, I can only conclude that I am WAY fussier than any normal human and I'm getting even fussier all the time, my friends are very scathing about it.
A long time ago I did a fantasy new man list about what I wanted in a new partner, you can read it HERE
Oh yes, a tremendously long and detailed list of what I wanted, now I am ashamed to say I probably still want most of those things but it has been joined in unholy matrimony by the list of things I don't want, just as detailed.
And you know that your auntie's going to share that list with you now, don't you?
What I don't want
Someone who's never had children, even if they say they don't want any now, they may in the future change their mind - whilst that ship has not sailed for me, the captain of SS auntiegwen (and God bless all who sail in her) has pulled up the anchor and is steering that boat out of the harbour of weans onto the calm seas of nae weans. I am not returning to port, for anyone.
I don't want anyone with young children - my days of encyclopedic Postman Pat knowledge are thankfully receeding into what is left of my memory. I have no wish to be involved in the potty training/toddler taming/de lousing of anyone elses child. My dues have been well paid, this will be the only account I have credit in.
I don't want anyone with teenagers - thank you, I have 3 of my own, that's plenty.
I don't want anyone with grandchildren - I just can't, it would make me feel even older than I already do. And we all know I'm only a Per Una cardie away and I have already succumbed to the Cath.
I don't want anyone in a different decade to me, in your 40's only please
I just cannot do another IT consultant, management consultant or BMW driver, why oh why are they so attracted to me?
I am very sniffy about starsigns too - yes I agree, I am completely mental.
No smokers - I can cope with a sneaky smoke on a night out but not an everyday smoker. Yes, I did used to be a smoker, enough said.
No stupid music fans - they must have at least heard of 50% of what's on my ipod and go to at least 4 decent gigs per year.
They must not dress like an old man - fine line, won't cope with skinny jeans but can't be attracted to clothes for comfort (I know, me that lives in her fitflops, I didn't say this was in anyway rational or reciprocal)
I could go on but I'm sure you're getting the drift, fussy is the politest term for me, you may wish to add another of your own choosing.
There cannot be a man in the country who would tick all the boxes I now have, however if you have a mate, brother, colleague you think might fit the bill, send him to me, I'll pay the taxi...
Or if you're David Tennant, it's just a stupid list, come in, why yes, it is very hot in here, just take your clothes off...
She was spurred on to do this by someone else we know meeting a fantastic guy and being blissfully loved up, I now know several couples who've met via t'internets and they all seem pretty happy. As my (blissfully happy with new man) friend said to me "Prince Charming won't drop out of a clear blue sky or arrive at your door in a taxi, you have to work at finding him" I didn't care for her tone, quite frankly.
And why can't Prince Charming arrive at my door in a taxi, that seems like a fairly good proposition to a lazy article like me.
So after a very witty and charming description of my very witty and charming friend we had to think about what she wanted in a man and from a relationship, she seems very open to most things and quite low in expectations.
Unlike her pal.
Unfortunately, I can only conclude that I am WAY fussier than any normal human and I'm getting even fussier all the time, my friends are very scathing about it.
A long time ago I did a fantasy new man list about what I wanted in a new partner, you can read it HERE
Oh yes, a tremendously long and detailed list of what I wanted, now I am ashamed to say I probably still want most of those things but it has been joined in unholy matrimony by the list of things I don't want, just as detailed.
And you know that your auntie's going to share that list with you now, don't you?
What I don't want
Someone who's never had children, even if they say they don't want any now, they may in the future change their mind - whilst that ship has not sailed for me, the captain of SS auntiegwen (and God bless all who sail in her) has pulled up the anchor and is steering that boat out of the harbour of weans onto the calm seas of nae weans. I am not returning to port, for anyone.
I don't want anyone with young children - my days of encyclopedic Postman Pat knowledge are thankfully receeding into what is left of my memory. I have no wish to be involved in the potty training/toddler taming/de lousing of anyone elses child. My dues have been well paid, this will be the only account I have credit in.
I don't want anyone with teenagers - thank you, I have 3 of my own, that's plenty.
I don't want anyone with grandchildren - I just can't, it would make me feel even older than I already do. And we all know I'm only a Per Una cardie away and I have already succumbed to the Cath.
I don't want anyone in a different decade to me, in your 40's only please
I just cannot do another IT consultant, management consultant or BMW driver, why oh why are they so attracted to me?
I am very sniffy about starsigns too - yes I agree, I am completely mental.
No smokers - I can cope with a sneaky smoke on a night out but not an everyday smoker. Yes, I did used to be a smoker, enough said.
No stupid music fans - they must have at least heard of 50% of what's on my ipod and go to at least 4 decent gigs per year.
They must not dress like an old man - fine line, won't cope with skinny jeans but can't be attracted to clothes for comfort (I know, me that lives in her fitflops, I didn't say this was in anyway rational or reciprocal)
I could go on but I'm sure you're getting the drift, fussy is the politest term for me, you may wish to add another of your own choosing.
There cannot be a man in the country who would tick all the boxes I now have, however if you have a mate, brother, colleague you think might fit the bill, send him to me, I'll pay the taxi...
Or if you're David Tennant, it's just a stupid list, come in, why yes, it is very hot in here, just take your clothes off...
Saturday, 11 July 2009
auntiegwens guide of how not to date
I couldn't resist this one, and before anyone who's googled in gets humpty, I'm not an expert, so this should be read with a light sprinkling of tongue in cheek but you don't need a full dose of bitter irony for it.
I became single for the second time at the age of forty, which I also referred to as "feckin forty" quite a lot. The first period of singledom ended when I was nineteen. I can truly say that being single never bothered me for the first 19 years, they were a doddle, I am just wondering if the second period of singledom will be as long and as carefree. The dating world of the new millenium is a million miles away from the 20th century one I had experienced.
The first time I was single Michael Jackson was black, George Michael was straight and everyone had pubic hair. Advice in magazines was always about getting boys to call you or how to clean your oven or knit your own boyfriend. They never ever included such articles instructing you on how to give the perfect blowjob or an out of 10 rating for battery operated ladies toys.
I am the last of the generation of good girls. We were the ones who didn't sleep with anyone except our long term boyfriends and it took a serious amount of time before that happened. We were brought up to think that good girls don't. This was the generation before ladettes. Anal sex was only for gay men and a pearl necklace was what you wore on your wedding day.
There was no facebook, internet dating, speed dating, texting (clean, flirty or downright dirty), no mobile phones for phone sex or with cameras to send naked knob shots and no webcams for any kind of virtual and technological shenanigans. If I was going to facilitate someones sexual "happy ending" I was always present.
From November 1985 you can fast forward through a relationship of 21 years and 3 children and get to August 2006 when I technically became single for the 2nd time.
The second time I was single it became clear to me that a 40 year old mother of 3 may not be every one's dream date whereas a nubile 19 year old student could have her pick. There was also the issue of where to meet men, at 19 I would go to the pub after work wearing my student nurses uniform, job done. At 40 I no longer had my uniform and I fear I would have been more Hattie Jaques whereas at 19 year I would have been more Barbara Windsor.
At 19 I had a crowd of mates, all single and available to go out anytime and up for going anywhere. If there was a film I wanted to see or a holiday I wanted to go on, there was always someone to go with. I was never starved of adult company. At 40 all my friends were married and no one is available for nights out because they are too knackered with their kids, their job, the endless cleaning, ferrying offspring to activities etc etc etc. They do not want to go out, that means they have to get out off their jammies, put make up on, persuade husbands or arrange babysitters and then be depressed at how much things cost and how old they are, they want to sleep and who can blame them?
At 19 I was flirty and funny and I did not ever worry about what to say to boys because usually their tongue was in my mouth fairly quickly. At 40 I realised I didn't have a notion of how to talk to men and I always felt faintly ridiculous when someone tried to kiss me.
I don't enjoy dating at all. I accept that if I want the fringe benefits of being in a couple then I have to date. I often feel like I am on a job interview and if I have to explain what I get from blogging 1 more time I will scream.
So I have tried to clarify some points that I have gone a bit wrong on myself, sure there's no point in there being more than 1 of us getting the reputation of being a bad date.
What I have learned - How not to date
Do not talk to men like you talk to your female friends. Be very careful in your choice of conversational topics, they are unlikely to be impressed that you had 3 natural childbirths and that your son weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces, this will make them wonder what effect that had on the part of your anatomy that they may wish to explore at a later stage.
Do not feel free to rip apart their taste in music or the car they drive or what they wear. Even if it kills you to bite your tongue and there is a joke screaming to be made, resist at all costs. Your bitchy sarcastic sense of humour doesn't make you attractive to men at all.
Best not to mention that you read your horoscope every day and that you know what astrological signs are compatable with your Leo (Aries and Leo) and which are bad (Virgo and Cancer) This makes you sound weird.
Do not mention your ex or ex's. This is tricky as my ex is the reason I live where I live and the "Tell me why you left your own country?" chat always happens. This also rules out a lot of good conversational topics (point 1) such as places you've been on holiday, this is usually a good topic and if you can mention your trip to Paris or New York or Barcelona without mentioning who accompanied you, then do your best travelogue.
Do not mention your kids too much. They are not cute and sweet to anyone else except you and your immediate family. Mine are not cute and sweet to anyone, even me.
Some men think women who have cats are worth avoiding (sorry Lisa, maybe only British men think cat lovers are odd) If you love your cat and he sleeps on your bed, you have a photo of him as your screensaver and you speak to your cat in a ickle baby voice and refer to yourself as mummy, don't tell your date.
Don't be tempted to go for the 3rd glass of wine, in my case it's the 2nd. It may make you feel relaxed and you think you are having some flirty banter and witty repartee, the bon mots are tripping silkily and seductively off your tongue and you think you are being so funny that you wonder how much it would cost you to put on a one woman show at the fringe. This is your cue to stop drinking, have a diet coke or a water. You're not being entertaining, you're getting pissed and he either thinks he's getting lucky or he's getting scared.
When your date tells you that you are so sexy he means he is horny. Every man I have ever dated has told me I was the sexiest woman they had ever met. This is pish, I am not remotely sexy, even when I try, which to be fair isn't that often. Do not be fooled.
At the end of the evening do not be surprised if they wish to do more than kiss you on the cheek. They may wish to take the knickers off you. You don't even know each others surnames but some people are more than happy to have knowledge of you that would rival your gynaecologist.
I'm off to The Beautiful House for a week, see you when I get back.
I became single for the second time at the age of forty, which I also referred to as "feckin forty" quite a lot. The first period of singledom ended when I was nineteen. I can truly say that being single never bothered me for the first 19 years, they were a doddle, I am just wondering if the second period of singledom will be as long and as carefree. The dating world of the new millenium is a million miles away from the 20th century one I had experienced.
The first time I was single Michael Jackson was black, George Michael was straight and everyone had pubic hair. Advice in magazines was always about getting boys to call you or how to clean your oven or knit your own boyfriend. They never ever included such articles instructing you on how to give the perfect blowjob or an out of 10 rating for battery operated ladies toys.
I am the last of the generation of good girls. We were the ones who didn't sleep with anyone except our long term boyfriends and it took a serious amount of time before that happened. We were brought up to think that good girls don't. This was the generation before ladettes. Anal sex was only for gay men and a pearl necklace was what you wore on your wedding day.
There was no facebook, internet dating, speed dating, texting (clean, flirty or downright dirty), no mobile phones for phone sex or with cameras to send naked knob shots and no webcams for any kind of virtual and technological shenanigans. If I was going to facilitate someones sexual "happy ending" I was always present.
From November 1985 you can fast forward through a relationship of 21 years and 3 children and get to August 2006 when I technically became single for the 2nd time.
The second time I was single it became clear to me that a 40 year old mother of 3 may not be every one's dream date whereas a nubile 19 year old student could have her pick. There was also the issue of where to meet men, at 19 I would go to the pub after work wearing my student nurses uniform, job done. At 40 I no longer had my uniform and I fear I would have been more Hattie Jaques whereas at 19 year I would have been more Barbara Windsor.
At 19 I had a crowd of mates, all single and available to go out anytime and up for going anywhere. If there was a film I wanted to see or a holiday I wanted to go on, there was always someone to go with. I was never starved of adult company. At 40 all my friends were married and no one is available for nights out because they are too knackered with their kids, their job, the endless cleaning, ferrying offspring to activities etc etc etc. They do not want to go out, that means they have to get out off their jammies, put make up on, persuade husbands or arrange babysitters and then be depressed at how much things cost and how old they are, they want to sleep and who can blame them?
At 19 I was flirty and funny and I did not ever worry about what to say to boys because usually their tongue was in my mouth fairly quickly. At 40 I realised I didn't have a notion of how to talk to men and I always felt faintly ridiculous when someone tried to kiss me.
I don't enjoy dating at all. I accept that if I want the fringe benefits of being in a couple then I have to date. I often feel like I am on a job interview and if I have to explain what I get from blogging 1 more time I will scream.
So I have tried to clarify some points that I have gone a bit wrong on myself, sure there's no point in there being more than 1 of us getting the reputation of being a bad date.
What I have learned - How not to date
Do not talk to men like you talk to your female friends. Be very careful in your choice of conversational topics, they are unlikely to be impressed that you had 3 natural childbirths and that your son weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces, this will make them wonder what effect that had on the part of your anatomy that they may wish to explore at a later stage.
Do not feel free to rip apart their taste in music or the car they drive or what they wear. Even if it kills you to bite your tongue and there is a joke screaming to be made, resist at all costs. Your bitchy sarcastic sense of humour doesn't make you attractive to men at all.
Best not to mention that you read your horoscope every day and that you know what astrological signs are compatable with your Leo (Aries and Leo) and which are bad (Virgo and Cancer) This makes you sound weird.
Do not mention your ex or ex's. This is tricky as my ex is the reason I live where I live and the "Tell me why you left your own country?" chat always happens. This also rules out a lot of good conversational topics (point 1) such as places you've been on holiday, this is usually a good topic and if you can mention your trip to Paris or New York or Barcelona without mentioning who accompanied you, then do your best travelogue.
Do not mention your kids too much. They are not cute and sweet to anyone else except you and your immediate family. Mine are not cute and sweet to anyone, even me.
Some men think women who have cats are worth avoiding (sorry Lisa, maybe only British men think cat lovers are odd) If you love your cat and he sleeps on your bed, you have a photo of him as your screensaver and you speak to your cat in a ickle baby voice and refer to yourself as mummy, don't tell your date.
Don't be tempted to go for the 3rd glass of wine, in my case it's the 2nd. It may make you feel relaxed and you think you are having some flirty banter and witty repartee, the bon mots are tripping silkily and seductively off your tongue and you think you are being so funny that you wonder how much it would cost you to put on a one woman show at the fringe. This is your cue to stop drinking, have a diet coke or a water. You're not being entertaining, you're getting pissed and he either thinks he's getting lucky or he's getting scared.
When your date tells you that you are so sexy he means he is horny. Every man I have ever dated has told me I was the sexiest woman they had ever met. This is pish, I am not remotely sexy, even when I try, which to be fair isn't that often. Do not be fooled.
At the end of the evening do not be surprised if they wish to do more than kiss you on the cheek. They may wish to take the knickers off you. You don't even know each others surnames but some people are more than happy to have knowledge of you that would rival your gynaecologist.
I'm off to The Beautiful House for a week, see you when I get back.
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