My blog has gone a bit bodge, that's a technical term obviously as you all know how fan dabby dozey I am with technology. I thought I'd lost a bit of it as there was a lot of white screen but if you go away down far enough some other stuff is there, I don't know how to fix it, clearly, so I shall cross my fingers, keep writing stuff and hope it repairs itself.
I am having a bit of a run of broken/lost/problematic things at the moment. Our hot water tank appears to be leaking, we found this out when a patch of water appeared on the ceiling of the room below. The auntiegwen approach is to wrap the leaky bit in flannels and keep drying them out however I am now married and married to the kind of person who likes, nay needs to fix things, yes dear readers I married an engineer, he has a full complement of tools and fixery things but the water tank is winning at the moment. There has been lots of draining of things and turning water off and turning it back on, we still leak and every time I was my hands the water comes out with a ferocity and viciousness previously only seen in a hormonal and exam stressed BBD. I get soaked every time. I am tired of this game now.
I have lost my fitbit which made me sad, tis a sort of posh pedometer and was a Christmas gift.
Work has needed lots of patience and I don't have that much spare as general life is taking most of mine.
But huzzah, tis Friday and I have a very nice bottle of wine in the fridge for tonight, we have pizza and gogglebox (which I love, love, love).
Not too shabby, have a good weekend everyone
Showing posts with label tech feckin ology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tech feckin ology. Show all posts
Friday, 9 May 2014
Friday, 1 April 2011
How to make a good impression at work
I work for a big UK wide charity. All the field staff are based at home (which is cheaper than having lots of wee offices everywhere for us to sit in) I like this, it means if I'm not out training people, I am in the dining room in my jammies. And we all know how I like my jammies.
The downside to this is
a - I have to have a ferocious amount of technology that me, myself and I alone have to operate and maintain, laptops, projectors, infra red pointers, speakers, shredders, scanners, printers. Jesus you should see my phone, it's like a switchboard, I can transfer any call to anyone in the organisation, well regular humans can, I just tell people it'd be quicker to redial, I seem to cut people off a fair bit.
b - We do a lot of things I have never done before such as conference calls, Internet meetings, signing out group documents etc and all kinds of spreadsheets that I am forever breaking. Don't even get me started on mail bloody merge.
c - there is no one around to show you what to do, if you're lucky you can ring someone and they'll try and explain it down the phone. This may work with regular humans, not so much with aunties. I spend a bit of time every week in a tizzy.
Every month I complete my expenses, I have a page for mileage (fine), things I've bought for work (fine) and then the receipts page (not so fine) I have to put the wee arrow in a certain box, put the numbered receipts to correspond with the line they appear on and while I've got another tab open reading the instructions for the scanning of expenses, click insert picture from scanner. You only get 1 go and if your scanned picture doesn't show the total, it's no use.
Me no likey.
My lovely boss has left and we are awaiting her replacement. This month I had to send my expenses to my ex lovely boss's boss. She's 1 down from the Chief. I had a real problem with the scanner yesterday (there's bog all wrong with the scanner, it's just me)so in my covering email I apologised and said I had had problems scanning the receipts in but I still had the original receipts and I could post them to her.
I received a very charming reply saying how sorry she was about my scanner but I hadn't actually attached the expenses document at all.
There's an internal vacancy for head of IT, guess she won't think I'm up to that then.
The downside to this is
a - I have to have a ferocious amount of technology that me, myself and I alone have to operate and maintain, laptops, projectors, infra red pointers, speakers, shredders, scanners, printers. Jesus you should see my phone, it's like a switchboard, I can transfer any call to anyone in the organisation, well regular humans can, I just tell people it'd be quicker to redial, I seem to cut people off a fair bit.
b - We do a lot of things I have never done before such as conference calls, Internet meetings, signing out group documents etc and all kinds of spreadsheets that I am forever breaking. Don't even get me started on mail bloody merge.
c - there is no one around to show you what to do, if you're lucky you can ring someone and they'll try and explain it down the phone. This may work with regular humans, not so much with aunties. I spend a bit of time every week in a tizzy.
Every month I complete my expenses, I have a page for mileage (fine), things I've bought for work (fine) and then the receipts page (not so fine) I have to put the wee arrow in a certain box, put the numbered receipts to correspond with the line they appear on and while I've got another tab open reading the instructions for the scanning of expenses, click insert picture from scanner. You only get 1 go and if your scanned picture doesn't show the total, it's no use.
Me no likey.
My lovely boss has left and we are awaiting her replacement. This month I had to send my expenses to my ex lovely boss's boss. She's 1 down from the Chief. I had a real problem with the scanner yesterday (there's bog all wrong with the scanner, it's just me)so in my covering email I apologised and said I had had problems scanning the receipts in but I still had the original receipts and I could post them to her.
I received a very charming reply saying how sorry she was about my scanner but I hadn't actually attached the expenses document at all.
There's an internal vacancy for head of IT, guess she won't think I'm up to that then.
Monday, 19 April 2010
I had a very technologically trying day
I am usually a happy wee scone on Mondays. I laze around whilst offspring are at school, I stay in jammies eating chocolate and then I pretend I've been working. I am usually very happy to be clickety clickety on the internets. Not today.
Today I tried and failed to order a new garden table from Marks and Spencer, the one I want is out of stock.
Today my google reader thingy is completely blank, this means that when anyone I have on my bloglist posts I don't know they have, I like to know this, I like to read your posts, I'm not ignoring you, honest.
I absofeckinlutely hate the student finance section of directgov, my child is putting in her correct passport details, we have the feckin thing in our sweaty mitts, we can't go any further in the application process and we are now both bored to death with it.
If she cannot access this, she will be unable to obtain a tuition fee loan, I am now strongly considering naked ironing, apparently you get £35 an hour for it, just hook your web cam up and away you go. I fear I will be a bad parent if I insist on her making erotic films, even though there has been a demand. Naked ironing seems like a good compromise.
I was going to write about my celebrity shag list, I have spent quite a long time trying to find naked pictures of David Tennant today. I have failed, I did see one of him partially covered but the bit that was covered was the bit I'd be partial to.
I will try and post my celebrity shag list tomorrow, I fear I may have already told you this a few years ago so if I have please just pretend you don't remember and act surprised.
Today I tried and failed to order a new garden table from Marks and Spencer, the one I want is out of stock.
Today my google reader thingy is completely blank, this means that when anyone I have on my bloglist posts I don't know they have, I like to know this, I like to read your posts, I'm not ignoring you, honest.
I absofeckinlutely hate the student finance section of directgov, my child is putting in her correct passport details, we have the feckin thing in our sweaty mitts, we can't go any further in the application process and we are now both bored to death with it.
If she cannot access this, she will be unable to obtain a tuition fee loan, I am now strongly considering naked ironing, apparently you get £35 an hour for it, just hook your web cam up and away you go. I fear I will be a bad parent if I insist on her making erotic films, even though there has been a demand. Naked ironing seems like a good compromise.
I was going to write about my celebrity shag list, I have spent quite a long time trying to find naked pictures of David Tennant today. I have failed, I did see one of him partially covered but the bit that was covered was the bit I'd be partial to.
I will try and post my celebrity shag list tomorrow, I fear I may have already told you this a few years ago so if I have please just pretend you don't remember and act surprised.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Techfeckinology part umpteen
BIG HUGE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN RANT ALERT
I put it capitals as well, for emphasis, so if you want to click away now I wouldn't blame you, I'm your auntie, I'll always love you.
If you've been around a wee while, you'll know that the auntie is feart of technology, this may provide a subconscious reasoning in why I only seem to date IT consultants.
Every morning in life I wake up, get up make coffee in the hugest mug I can find(remember I'm a mug nazi too) and return to bed. Whereupon I lovingly wake up my laptop (which doesn't actually belong to me but for a company I freelance lecture for, I haven't since July and I am dodging their calls for I think they want to take my baby back)
I then (in order, for I have bred the children of strange, I am, the mothership) check my emails, I then check google reader for new blog posts, then I make another mug of coffee and then I check my horoscope, I read at least 10 versions of Leo and remember the one that tells me David Tennant is going to shag me.
This very morning, twas very, very upsetting for the auntie, as when she clicked on a wee Leo, there came SEVERAL big boxes,
big scary things fortelling the end of the world,
warning me I had 31 trojans who were trying to use my credit card to buy internet porn or holidays or new shoes
and then the internet connection went (this is why I didn't reply to you, Scrappy Sue, I left right in the middle of our nice wee chat about speedos)
and now I can't connect to the internet, I cannot even get into my documents, my nice screen saver of me and The Beautiful Children is just a big scary blue screen with warnings all over it.
I am writing this not in jammies as is my wont, in real clothes, at my real desk, with my executive twirly chair and not prone on my bed, can you tell the difference?
I am quite frankly (look away now Grandma in Cyprus) shitting myself, have I f****d up a laptop that doesn't belong to me, but has 2 years of my crap upon it? If I can't connect to the internet can I fix this? Why did I leave IT God and where is an IT consultant to shag when you need one?
Please help, anyone who can fix puters? any advice gratefully received, also I expect I'll have to buy myself a laptop now.
Which one? there are gazillions
Please help, I currently have no IT consultant in my life, so I'm counting on you
I put it capitals as well, for emphasis, so if you want to click away now I wouldn't blame you, I'm your auntie, I'll always love you.
If you've been around a wee while, you'll know that the auntie is feart of technology, this may provide a subconscious reasoning in why I only seem to date IT consultants.
Every morning in life I wake up, get up make coffee in the hugest mug I can find(remember I'm a mug nazi too) and return to bed. Whereupon I lovingly wake up my laptop (which doesn't actually belong to me but for a company I freelance lecture for, I haven't since July and I am dodging their calls for I think they want to take my baby back)
I then (in order, for I have bred the children of strange, I am, the mothership) check my emails, I then check google reader for new blog posts, then I make another mug of coffee and then I check my horoscope, I read at least 10 versions of Leo and remember the one that tells me David Tennant is going to shag me.
This very morning, twas very, very upsetting for the auntie, as when she clicked on a wee Leo, there came SEVERAL big boxes,
big scary things fortelling the end of the world,
warning me I had 31 trojans who were trying to use my credit card to buy internet porn or holidays or new shoes
and then the internet connection went (this is why I didn't reply to you, Scrappy Sue, I left right in the middle of our nice wee chat about speedos)
and now I can't connect to the internet, I cannot even get into my documents, my nice screen saver of me and The Beautiful Children is just a big scary blue screen with warnings all over it.
I am writing this not in jammies as is my wont, in real clothes, at my real desk, with my executive twirly chair and not prone on my bed, can you tell the difference?
I am quite frankly (look away now Grandma in Cyprus) shitting myself, have I f****d up a laptop that doesn't belong to me, but has 2 years of my crap upon it? If I can't connect to the internet can I fix this? Why did I leave IT God and where is an IT consultant to shag when you need one?
Please help, anyone who can fix puters? any advice gratefully received, also I expect I'll have to buy myself a laptop now.
Which one? there are gazillions
Please help, I currently have no IT consultant in my life, so I'm counting on you
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Techfeckinology again
My washing machine is dead. It is 16 months old, I am not amused.
My laptop battery is dead. It has to be plugged in to use it, not tremendously helpful. I don't know how to sort this and yes I really wish I was still talking to IT God.
My all singing all dancing 4 month old streemly expensive Sony Erikson mobile phone is dead. I can only use it if it's on speakerphone, there are very few conversations that I would be happy to have that loud. Very few.
I am now using my 2nd to last phone which is a Nokia, I can't remember how it works but I found my old text messages, there were some really poignant ones, some funny ones and IT God's proposal and I cried.
My laptop battery is dead. It has to be plugged in to use it, not tremendously helpful. I don't know how to sort this and yes I really wish I was still talking to IT God.
My all singing all dancing 4 month old streemly expensive Sony Erikson mobile phone is dead. I can only use it if it's on speakerphone, there are very few conversations that I would be happy to have that loud. Very few.
I am now using my 2nd to last phone which is a Nokia, I can't remember how it works but I found my old text messages, there were some really poignant ones, some funny ones and IT God's proposal and I cried.
Friday, 21 November 2008
My new addiction
As I am an extremely nosey person, seriously my need to know things is ferocious, I am greatly surprised it took me so long to investigate this. Probably my lack of techfeckinology played a part.
When I blog stuff, in my head I think I am read only by the people who comment, except for a couple of people, who always text or email me about what I've written and maybe another few who stumble in via the black box, is anybody else still doing that ? nope, just me ? it brought me back to myself the other day, it also very very often sends me to a deeply devoted Christian wife of a pastor in America, who has a campaign about fighting for marriage, if she gets brought to me, I'm sure she will despair of my post marriage excitement, poor girl will have to have a lie down.
Any hoo, I digress, I've got a wee thingy that tells you who's been visiting, no not by name, although I'd love that, just how many people, where they're from and it can tell you if they used a search engine, what phrase they looked for that brought them to you.
So, in 3 weeks my main page has been read 1484 times, seriously, 1484, most of you are British, followed by American but I have been visited from people all over the world, some even come back ! How gas is that ?
77.20% United Kingdom
14.00% United States
2.00% Saudi Arabia
1.60% Australia
1.20% France
1.20% Canada
0.60% Germany
0.60% Ireland
0.40% New Zealand
0.40% Argentina
0.20% China
0.20% Denmark
0.20% Spain
0.20% Cyprus
I love the search engine phrases
Search Term
24.44% auntie gwen blogspot
17.78% auntiegwensdiary
6.67% tell offs
4.44% i'm sorry i was late well i missed the train
4.44% cool clothes for 50 something women
4.44% mansecat
2.22% cuss words comebacks
2.22% auntie gwen
2.22% auntiegwen blog glasgow
2.22% tell offs
2.22% crocsareugly
2.22% curse word come backs
2.22% milf teachers
2.22% comebacks with swearing
2.22% comebacks to tell someone off
2.22% irish swear words
2.22% she drunken called me 2am dating
2.22% AAWH
2.22% curse word comebacks
2.22% it god auntiegwen
2.22% good comebacks with bad words
2.22% 7 things before i die tag
2.22% good friend tell offs comebacks
100.00%
The thing I found the most interesting is that most people who pop in are actually looking for their auntie, thank you, your auntie's always pleased to see you.
The first week was all people looking for me, milfs and I believe "actual shagging", curse words and Scottish sweary words.
Week 2 again was me, milfs, cursewords and a "drunken salmon Gwen" the mind boggles.
This week, there were a few I didn't begin to understand, for example why some poor reader was firstly searching for
"I'm sorry I was late, well I missed the train" and secondly why that brought them here, I don't think that's a phrase I've even said let alone typed !
" Cool clothes for 50 something women" well, excuse me, I'm only fortyfeckintwo! Would you give yourself peace !
"mansecat" nope, not a baldy (Glaswegian for a clue)
"drunken 2 am calling, dating" I have been known for the late night drunken flirty texting and I have on 1 and 1 occasion only called at 2.30 am to let someone know how very drunk I was, he described it as cute and melancholy
But Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, I seem to be the Miss Potty Mouth of the internet, if you are looking for curses, tell offs and come backs as apparently 26.65% ( I added it up, and checked it, I know I'm a sad article) of you visitors who searched the internet and found me are, I apparently am Queen of the smart arse retort.
Is Google's perception of me as a 50 something, late night calling, potty mouthed wisecracker true ?
My mother would be so proud !
When I blog stuff, in my head I think I am read only by the people who comment, except for a couple of people, who always text or email me about what I've written and maybe another few who stumble in via the black box, is anybody else still doing that ? nope, just me ? it brought me back to myself the other day, it also very very often sends me to a deeply devoted Christian wife of a pastor in America, who has a campaign about fighting for marriage, if she gets brought to me, I'm sure she will despair of my post marriage excitement, poor girl will have to have a lie down.
Any hoo, I digress, I've got a wee thingy that tells you who's been visiting, no not by name, although I'd love that, just how many people, where they're from and it can tell you if they used a search engine, what phrase they looked for that brought them to you.
So, in 3 weeks my main page has been read 1484 times, seriously, 1484, most of you are British, followed by American but I have been visited from people all over the world, some even come back ! How gas is that ?
77.20% United Kingdom
14.00% United States
2.00% Saudi Arabia
1.60% Australia
1.20% France
1.20% Canada
0.60% Germany
0.60% Ireland
0.40% New Zealand
0.40% Argentina
0.20% China
0.20% Denmark
0.20% Spain
0.20% Cyprus
I love the search engine phrases
Search Term
24.44% auntie gwen blogspot
17.78% auntiegwensdiary
6.67% tell offs
4.44% i'm sorry i was late well i missed the train
4.44% cool clothes for 50 something women
4.44% mansecat
2.22% cuss words comebacks
2.22% auntie gwen
2.22% auntiegwen blog glasgow
2.22% tell offs
2.22% crocsareugly
2.22% curse word come backs
2.22% milf teachers
2.22% comebacks with swearing
2.22% comebacks to tell someone off
2.22% irish swear words
2.22% she drunken called me 2am dating
2.22% AAWH
2.22% curse word comebacks
2.22% it god auntiegwen
2.22% good comebacks with bad words
2.22% 7 things before i die tag
2.22% good friend tell offs comebacks
100.00%
The thing I found the most interesting is that most people who pop in are actually looking for their auntie, thank you, your auntie's always pleased to see you.
The first week was all people looking for me, milfs and I believe "actual shagging", curse words and Scottish sweary words.
Week 2 again was me, milfs, cursewords and a "drunken salmon Gwen" the mind boggles.
This week, there were a few I didn't begin to understand, for example why some poor reader was firstly searching for
"I'm sorry I was late, well I missed the train" and secondly why that brought them here, I don't think that's a phrase I've even said let alone typed !
" Cool clothes for 50 something women" well, excuse me, I'm only fortyfeckintwo! Would you give yourself peace !
"mansecat" nope, not a baldy (Glaswegian for a clue)
"drunken 2 am calling, dating" I have been known for the late night drunken flirty texting and I have on 1 and 1 occasion only called at 2.30 am to let someone know how very drunk I was, he described it as cute and melancholy
But Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, I seem to be the Miss Potty Mouth of the internet, if you are looking for curses, tell offs and come backs as apparently 26.65% ( I added it up, and checked it, I know I'm a sad article) of you visitors who searched the internet and found me are, I apparently am Queen of the smart arse retort.
Is Google's perception of me as a 50 something, late night calling, potty mouthed wisecracker true ?
My mother would be so proud !
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
The Best Laid Plans
Let me set the scene for you, try and paint you a picture...
Monday morning
Lesson 3 finishing at 11.40 am in 1 part of the college and lesson 4 also starting at 11.40 in the opposite part of college. Note to self, perfect art of time travel asap. Lesson lasts for 50 minutes.
22 new year 10 students (age 14)- these are the youngest in our school having just joined from middle school.
1 table of girls who will have to be split up at next lesson, too mouthy and sparking each other off. Find out later, mouthiest was expelled from last school.
New classroom
New tables which can have their top tilted up for stacking against the walls, have a kind of bar thing underneath which keeps them stable, this is easily dislodged when they put their knees under the desk. I like knees under the desk, I feel it's the only place to put them in a classroom setting.
Store cupboard containing textbooks, pens, paper etc, locked and key not on hook in our office as is it's want, key in lesson 3 teachers pocket, lesson 3 teacher gone who knows where? for a fag and/or a gin? nah,more boringly, probably to lesson 4.
Teacher computer has no keyboard, can't log in and take register, take paper register, will use office PC after lesson. Tech feckin ology.
All 22 students have to get a laptop out of the lap safe, double locked but with key fortunately. All 22 students have to have laptop log signed by me to ensure we know who's broken what laptop. Cynicism thy name is Gwen.
As students are so new, lots of their personal log in's don't work, advise them to go to IT support at lunchtime. Note to self, avoid or bribe IT technician ? can't remember what strategy used last term.
Re-arrange students so they can at least share a computer, look at clock 20 minutes of lesson gone. Feeling slightly hot now, and not in a good way.
Ask students to get out homework co teacher has set as this forms basis for my lesson. Resist urge to make smart arse derogatory comment on the odds of a clean sweep.
8 students out of 22 have done as requested, get them started on task.
Get 14 students who didn't do homework to start homework in my lesson.
Table dislodges and tilts, fortunately laptop falls onto student and not floor.
Miraculously some work actually gets done by some students. Not much, but I'm grateful for small mercies, hey I'm middle aged I take what I can get at all times.
Wasp flies in window, CHAOS ensues, students scream, (especially the 3 mouthy ones at back table) jump up and try and run away, room very cramped, chairs get knocked, someone trips over a bag.
I tell them to sit down and keep still, I'm accused of not caring if they're stung, they're right, I hope several wasps come in and sting them right on their gobs, I have a split second vision of a cloud of bees surrounding the challenging students heads, bad auntiegwen bad, I'm only worried that the brand new laptops will fall on the floor in the melee.
Look at clock, 7 minutes left of lesson, finally admit defeat.
Collect in all 22 laptops, checking for damage and sign log to say they're ok.
Class leave.
Big sigh from me.
Look at the all singing all dancing, shiny, hopeful, well balanced and carefully thought out lesson plan, with differentiation and everything. I swear it smirked at me.
Game's a bogie.
Monday morning
Lesson 3 finishing at 11.40 am in 1 part of the college and lesson 4 also starting at 11.40 in the opposite part of college. Note to self, perfect art of time travel asap. Lesson lasts for 50 minutes.
22 new year 10 students (age 14)- these are the youngest in our school having just joined from middle school.
1 table of girls who will have to be split up at next lesson, too mouthy and sparking each other off. Find out later, mouthiest was expelled from last school.
New classroom
New tables which can have their top tilted up for stacking against the walls, have a kind of bar thing underneath which keeps them stable, this is easily dislodged when they put their knees under the desk. I like knees under the desk, I feel it's the only place to put them in a classroom setting.
Store cupboard containing textbooks, pens, paper etc, locked and key not on hook in our office as is it's want, key in lesson 3 teachers pocket, lesson 3 teacher gone who knows where? for a fag and/or a gin? nah,more boringly, probably to lesson 4.
Teacher computer has no keyboard, can't log in and take register, take paper register, will use office PC after lesson. Tech feckin ology.
All 22 students have to get a laptop out of the lap safe, double locked but with key fortunately. All 22 students have to have laptop log signed by me to ensure we know who's broken what laptop. Cynicism thy name is Gwen.
As students are so new, lots of their personal log in's don't work, advise them to go to IT support at lunchtime. Note to self, avoid or bribe IT technician ? can't remember what strategy used last term.
Re-arrange students so they can at least share a computer, look at clock 20 minutes of lesson gone. Feeling slightly hot now, and not in a good way.
Ask students to get out homework co teacher has set as this forms basis for my lesson. Resist urge to make smart arse derogatory comment on the odds of a clean sweep.
8 students out of 22 have done as requested, get them started on task.
Get 14 students who didn't do homework to start homework in my lesson.
Table dislodges and tilts, fortunately laptop falls onto student and not floor.
Miraculously some work actually gets done by some students. Not much, but I'm grateful for small mercies, hey I'm middle aged I take what I can get at all times.
Wasp flies in window, CHAOS ensues, students scream, (especially the 3 mouthy ones at back table) jump up and try and run away, room very cramped, chairs get knocked, someone trips over a bag.
I tell them to sit down and keep still, I'm accused of not caring if they're stung, they're right, I hope several wasps come in and sting them right on their gobs, I have a split second vision of a cloud of bees surrounding the challenging students heads, bad auntiegwen bad, I'm only worried that the brand new laptops will fall on the floor in the melee.
Look at clock, 7 minutes left of lesson, finally admit defeat.
Collect in all 22 laptops, checking for damage and sign log to say they're ok.
Class leave.
Big sigh from me.
Look at the all singing all dancing, shiny, hopeful, well balanced and carefully thought out lesson plan, with differentiation and everything. I swear it smirked at me.
Game's a bogie.
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