The auntie needs a new kitchen post.

I need a new kitchen, mine is shabby and tired, slightly falling apart and going off colour, a bit like me in room form.

I have 3 Cath Kidston tea towels, some flowery clothes peg fridge magnets (xmas pressie from my friend Sixy)and some wobble stripe CK oven gloves just quivering in retro style floral porn anticipation. I even bought a set of Kitchen Devil knives. But no nice new apple green painted walls and cream shaker style units with silver bar handles and a pastel ice cream coloured smeg fridge dream kitchen to put them in.

All together now poor, poor auntie.

But I have a cunning plan.

Not like The Beautiful Son's plan of sleeping with older people for money, I fear I may not get enough for the paint. A betterer plan. Remember when Peter Kay did his "Mum wants a bungalow" tour? This is the "auntie needs a new kitchen" campaign.

Hot Boy has always said when he gets famous (outside of Germany, where his band are really, really popular) he will buy me a new kitchen.

Today Hot Boy's band who I think should call themselves Hot Boy's Band, loads of people searching on T'internets will be lead to their site (yes, I think it is a much better name, I thought it up all by my very own self) anyhoo they release their album "Of regard and affection" today. They, however, are still sticking with calling themselves i am in love.



If you all buy the album and tell everyone you know to buy the album, Hot Boy will become famous and will have to buy me a new kitchen to stop me telling the tales that couldn't be put on the blog, yep that's right, you had the heavily edited highlights. God help us all, you only get a smidgen of what he's like.

He will be 21 on Monday and has a huge exam to sit today so send all good positive vibes his way, pleasey please, and if you wanted a good 21st pressie or passing your exams pressie...

Or Eldest Beautiful Daughter has said she'll marry Prince Harry.

She has a 3 pronged strategy for meeting him so he can fall madly in love with her

1 - She teaches at a military school and he comes on an official visit

2 - William and Kate have a child that she becomes the personal tutor of

3 - When Hot Boy is playing at the festivals this summer, she will be hanging around in the VIP area as Hot Boy's plus one and as Hot Boy is wooing the crowds she will engage Prince Harry in flirty banter about her red and white polka dot wellies.

So, the choice dear readers is up to you, you can pay the money for Hot Boy's album or EBD will have to marry into clan Windsor.

You know what's the right thing to do.

In the last month I have been mainly...

at the beautiful house with the people I love, sunshine, good food, gin and laughter. Not too shabby, is it?

In other news...

Hot Boy and his band (whom he's rejoined but not sure if he's staying, lots of hard decisions to be made) have been played on Radio 1 as part of their introducing programme, please have a listen and buy lots of their stuff (album out on May 27th), Hot Boy has promised me a new fitted kitchen if they get famous, you wouldn't deny auntie a new kitchen, would you?

He's the one on the right of the picture, he's either in his black hoody with tartan shirt or stripped down to his burgundy vest. How he'll love that in years to come.

Eldest Beautiful Daughter has been in a Catholic school on a teaching placement. One of her first jobs was to escort the children to Mass, she's sat with a naughty child on either side of her and she's a bit bemused with the genuflecting and all, very different from her Presbyterian church going and naughty child says (in tones of great incredulity) "Miss, have you never been in a church before?"

The Beautiful Son is completely denying the need for any GCSE revision. He continues in his mad notion that exams are a reflection of what he knows on the day and any kind of revision is therefore cheating. Shame he's not doing GCSE's in Call of Duty or looking at laughing babies on youtube or annoying your wee sister. We'd be grand then.

Beautiful Baby Daughter is currently dementing me with her prom, I think it's a mad notion that when she leaves middle school aged 14, I have to lash out tons of cash for her to be in a frock more suitable for a nightclub (yes I am aware of how old that makes me sound, thank you very much) a hair do, and a ride to school prom in a limousine, is she from Essex? I think not. This bloody thing isn't until mid July but I am bored to death looking for shoes, dresses, accessories and I have abso bloody lutley refused both the fake tan and the white Hummer/pink stretch/fire engine or any other form of transportation that isn't a regular car. I know, bah Humbug phone Childline.

I am still working, still trying (and failing) to lose weight although I have started Zumba and last Wednesday myself and my friend Eileen went to our first fat loss body conditioning class, it was Sunday before I could walk down stairs without wincing. I know know what I'll be like as a pensioner. I am continuing to turn into my mother and it's escalated a fair bit. My forgetfulness and my misplacement of things is now up to Olympic standard currently searching for 200 cigarettes I brought back duty free for my dad last October (I had even forgotten I'd bought them till my mum asked them to bring them with me when I next go home) on the plus side I have found both my denim jacket and my Tiffany necklace. I don't live in a huge house, just a tip.

And that's been about it. What have you been up to?