The Beautiful Holiday

Auntie Gwen is back from The Beautiful House in Turkey with her full complement of Beautiful Children. This is a testement to Auntie Gwen's strength of character as all of The Beautiful Children were ungrateful little feckers on holiday.

If I hadn't given birth to these children, I would seriously doubt they were mine. I abso bloody lutely love love love the sunshine and I can happily prostrate myself on a sunlounger with a book for hours, okay days. All of my children refuse to sunbathe.
The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter will play in the pool for at least a peko second before arguing and then involving me to referee before one of them will storm off inside in a major huff.
Beautiful Eldest Daughter is maintaining her Bride of Dracula/Princess of Darkness look which so does not involve a tan. She had to be bribed to spend ONE HOUR per day in the sun, yes that is correct ONE HOUR per day. The locals in Turkey had never seen anything quite like her, people were bringing out their grannies to see the weird girl who was so white she was almost luminous.
Every feckin hour someone would complain it was too hot, which fair play it was, very nice for me thank you very much, every day in the high 90 s at least, but too hot for the beautiful children. Who god love them , who were so bored in their own private villa with pool, silly silly me for thinking that the pool complete with lilo's, floats, balls and inflatable dolphins etc and satellite tv and dvd player and books and board games and nintendo ds and game boys would be enough to occupy them and I didn't think it necessary to bring an x box and a laptop and their mates with me, my poor deprived wee souls.

So very lovely to see my friends who live over there, my beautiful neighbours Keith and Heather who have retired from life in Kent and are contemplating buying a quad bike to get around on, you go guys !! again thank you for the 2 glasses of wine in the afternoon which enabled me to sleep and not get out the house till after 10pm and my children had to wait till midnight for their tea. Fortunately BBD doesn't have social services on speed dial over there !!

Syl and Les,again retired from the Uk and now living the retirement I dream of, thanks for taking us to Fethiye's old town Paspartur where we ate in a little restaurant with it's own courtyard fountain and duck pond. Again thank you for laughing like drains when I had to explain to BBD that the lady duck did not want to give the male duck a piggy back and that was why she was screeching.

Thank you to all my Turkish friends who either offer to marry me or BED, fortunately no one has offered for us both, it's nice to go somewhere and be appreciated, but I don't think either of us will be taking you up on your very kind offers.

Biggest thank you of them all to my new friend Janine, god bless her little heart, who had the foresight and down right kindness to leave Sunderland and go and marry a lovely Turkish man called Suraj and open an internet cafe about 10 mins walk from The Beautiful House, a cafe that not only is air conditioned but has full access to msn and my space, and for that reason it made my holiday bearable as the lure and bribe of full virtual connection gave me the only bargaining tool I had.

Yes, that's right I spent a significant part of my holiday in the sun waiting for my children to talk to their friends on msn via a web cam. Next year I'll go by myself and leave them at home with all their clicky finger gadgetry whilst I lie on my lounger drinking the wine I can afford gallons of because I don't have to fork out for their plane tickets. Everybody's happy.

Endings and beginnings

The Beautiful Baby Daughter has finished primary school, how old does that make me feel ? Never mind that she's only 10, that's the 3 school system for you. I was 12 when I went to high school and like all old ladies, I think everything was better in my day. In September she will join The Beautiful Son at middle school, and I cannot really convey to you his deep and profound joy at having his "tell mummy everything" little sister being with him, to help him behave in what she deems an appropriate way.

Also you can imagine Beautiful Eldest Daughter's deep and profound joy at being joined at her school by me ! As from September I will be teaching A level Health and Social Care part time at her school, I will get to know quite a lot of what is currently a mystery to me. Now there will be staff bulletins, staff meetings and me just generally being around....... excuse me while I throw back my head and laugh like a muskateer, oh what fun I'm going to have !!! All the " no one really bothers if your course work is late" and the " no one really goes to form time" type stuff is coming to an end.

Today I'm off to The Beautiful House with The Beautiful Children for a 2 week holiday, and I am conscious that next year BED will be 16 and may not want to come on holiday with us. This makes me conscious of how near it is for her to leave home and start her own adult life and of how much I will miss her when she goes. I can't believe how quickly the years have flown. I've no idea what next years summer holiday will bring but I await the next chapter with interest.

So, here's something I never say don't text me please, it costs me 30p to receive them and 48p to reply, I love you all dearly but after 6pm tonight I am officially incommunicado. Of course feel free to bombard me with love messages until 6pm but after that quiet please and I'll be back on the 28th July.

No dial tone

Last Wednesday or Black Wednesday as it will be forever known, we lost our internet connection. When you tried to log on, the message flashed up, no dial tone. I don't think I can convey to you the extreme terror and pain this has caused in our house. Beautiful eldest daughter has suffered the most as she has also no credit left on her phone and cannot text people, her poor fingers don't know what to do with themselves, it's like they're on holiday. I am absolutely sure that some people can withdraw from feckin heroin easier than BED having no virtual connection to people. She really cannot be by herself, she either has the matey boys within a 2 feet radius or she's on msn or texting.

I also have missed it, no emails or blogs but have a lovely morning in front of me now with all my catching up. Whilst I have been offline, I have been tagged by Lisa, the ubertalented over at 40 's singleness and my mission as I have chosen to accept is to provide you with some random facts about me. I also have to post the following rules

1 If you're tagged, you must post the rules

2 You post your 8 random facts

3 At the end of your blog, you tag someone else and they must post their random facts

4 You leave your chosen people a comment telling them they've been tagged

Okay, random facts

I love getting text messages and emails

I don't like pets - my poor children would love a rabbit or a dog, but selfishly I won't get them one

I don't eat meat, fish, poultry or eggs. If it had a mother or a face I avoid eating it.

I cry really easily

I have never been unfaithful

I am a bit obsessive about getting my laundry dried outside and hate using my tumble drier

I would love to go to Glastonbury or any big music festival but know I would struggle with the mud and the toilet facilities

I was a prefect at school despite being a punk

Okay, I will tag

Newfie

Lena

The Beautiful Man

I won't tag the Edge as he hates these ( see what a considerate friend I am ! ) and I can't tag Lisa as she's already done hers. I can't be clever and link you to their blogs but if you look for their comments on mine and click on them, that'll take you to them. I'll let TBM post on mine.

Self absorbed, who, my daughters ?

This is a word for word text message I received from Beautiful Eldest Daughter -

" I'm in office ( for Newfie and Lisa , it's the name of a shoe shop), the shoes I can't have make me want to cry, I love you "

Glad to see the state of the economy, global warming, all the poverty, hunger and war in the world aren't troubling you too much then, honey.


Transcript of discussion between Beautiful Baby Daughter and I earlier today

BBD - what's for tea?

AG - pasta

BBD - I hate pasta, you are a remakably mean mummy if you make me eat it

AG - (after laughing uncontrollably for a bit) sweetie, you used to like pasta

BBD - people's tastes change - then a pause where she is thinking of playing the DIVORCE card, (she plays dirty in an argument), then thinks better of it, but looks pointedly at me and I know exactly what she's thinking

AG - pasta's good for you and we all like it except you

BBD - you wouldn't make Lara eat chicken

AG - Lara's a vegetarian, it's not the same thing

BBD - I'm a pastatarian, so you can't make me eat it

AG - I am making pasta for tea and you will eat it

BBD - It's your fault I don't like pasta, you made me, so you made me not like pasta

AG - Don't worry, honey I know everything's my fault

BBD - You're grounded

Not for nothing is she also known as Little Miss Last Word, and she always has to be right, so I can't quite decide whether my BBD will end up either running the country or in jail. It's a close call.
Whilst this argument was in full flow I was emailing someone who I felt would be giving me a little sympathy but all I got was " well done for raising such a determined and influential young lady, I am soooo proud of you " , again darling, thank you for your understanding , just remember you might need my sympathy at some point !!!!

Whilst I've been blogging this, BBD has taken matters into her own hands and has very quietly raided the freezer and has made her own dinner, a true culinary delight of cocktail sausages that were left over from Xmas and oven chips !!!! Game,set and match to her.

Okay, it's official, she'll be running the country by the time she's 12 !!!

New Improved Version

Let me start by saying that I'm really okay with being 40 and soon to be 41, honest I'm really good.However there is nothing like having a 15 year old daughter to bring it back to you how old you really are getting.

The Beautiful eldest daughter really is beautiful, everywhere she goes she is surrounded by a cloud of testosterone and lynx body spray, I no longer have to clean my wooden floors as the drool from the male matey boys who worship her does it for me. She is permanently accompanied by at least 2 of the 4 boys who are her groupies.

Her look of indie/emo/been at the dressing up box/got dressed in the dark/gothy type thing seems to be a modern version of my punk 15 year old self. She listens to what I listened to at 15, is loving discovering old punk bands but also loves what I would call the up to date version of punk. She has the same just got out of bed messed up black hair, black eyeliner, black nailpolish etc that I had too. She is gutted that I didn't keep my clothes from being 15 but she uses my old photos to try and make her own version of my look.

However she has a poise and confidence that took me another 20 years to accomplish ( quite frankly I don't always manage it ! ! ) and seems to take the male adoration as a given. She just treats these boys on a ok, you think I'm great, I'm not going to date any of you, but very happy to have you around me type way. There is no side to her, no flirting or bitchiness and everyone wants to be with her. How the hell did she get to be that self assured ? at this young age ? I know grown up women who still fret over every word spoken to them and analyse every text message for hidden meaning. Her myspace photos have people commenting like crazy.

Jokingly I said to the whole gang that she should get all the boys t shirts that say " Team Lara" and thay all thought that was a fab idea and they're going to get them printed on black t shirts with hot pink "Team Lara" on the front and "I heart lara" on the back !!!!!

There you have it, the new improved version of me

The Perfect Tuesday

Yesterday I started my day with kisses, actually I start every day with kisses, it is to be thoroughly recommended.

My day continued on it's happy way with some v nice text messages, which I love getting.

My day included kissing and hugging some scrumptious babies at what I laughingly call work.

It proceeded very nicely to Starbucks with the beautiful friend Susan, with cinnamon dolce lattes and the soft seats, score !!! On a slightly down note there were no cinnamon swirls but we made do, no complaints.

I managed to book very cheap flights for the beautiful children and I to go to the beautiful house in Turkey for 2 weeks, I'm so excited as we go in 2 weeks time.

My very beautiful and talented bloggy friend Lisa, gave me an award on her blog, I love Lisa and if I was in anyway as talented and technological as her I would link you to her site but I can't but I love her and thank her.

There were no major tears, tantrums or dramas in the post school period, which is always a distinct possibility.

Dinner went without complaint, partly because as things were going so well, in my inate wisdom I decided not to push my luck - ie in providing food that contains vitamins and can be construed as healthy but instead to provide pizza and garlic doughballs ( from Pizza Express) for the beautiful children as it's one of the few things they will eat collectively without moaning.

I had the most perfect evening, which ended at midnight in the same way my day began.

How good was that ? How lucky am I ? I hope you have a perfect Tuesday or any perfect day of your own soon.

The Beautiful Children

This week my littlest 2 people have been very loving towards me. My Beautiful Baby Daughter wrote me a letter telling me how much she loves me ( which makes a nice change from the full 3 verses and the disco chorus of what a mean mummy I am !!!)

Not to be outdone, The Beautiful Son wrote me a poem, yes, really a poem, telling me how much he loves me.

So as I showed off these treasures very proudly to Beautiful Eldest Daughter, she looked at them with her usual disdain and said " Oh crap, will you be expecting something from me ? "

Oh no darling, I know how busy you are tormenting the local teenage boys with your utter gorgeousness and uber coolness. That's a full time job for you, sweetie.

Mo Chridhe

Today was The Beautiful Son's 12th birthday. How can I articulate to you what a really sweet and kind boy he is and how much this child means to me. He is the most empathetic little soul and has a calmness and gentleness in him that is a complete contrast to his usual rugby playing, jackass video making, mad as a box of frogs daily behaviour. He seems to sense if I'm feeling down and will lie beside me just hugging me and I really do feel comforted just by his presence.

Of all my children he seems to need my physical presence and if I'm with him he needs to be physically attached to me, my friends all laugh that I wear him like a scarf. From when he was the tiniest baby, he would hold my hair and twist it around his fingers and he still does that today. He has to be kissed awake every morning and I know soon that he will want to stop that just as he will stop holding my hand or hugging me. I have always called him Small Boy even though now he is the same size as me and he calls me Marmee. No matter how big he gets I will still see the small boy in him and I will always be his Marmee.

He is my beautiful son and I love him. He also is my heart, Mo chridhe

Fathers Day

Once upon a time there was a small boy, he was quiet and lacking in confidence, he was the youngest of 4 boys and he felt that his older brothers had fulfilled every role, there was a clever one, a cool but naughty one and a very good one. The youngest was just an ordinary boy, one who struggled for a role to fill. He wasn't especially sporty so he was thrilled when he got to be in his Boy's Brigade football team, so it was a HUGE deal for him when they got into the cup final. One of his elder brothers ( the good one) was there to see that team win the cup final and to see the little brother get presented his medal by a football player who played for Rangers, the team he loved. When he got home after the match, he very excitedly showed the medal to his Dad, who was in the middle of having a shave, his dad turned around and said " Very good son, well done " turned back and finished having his shave. How crushed was that little boy.

As an adult, that little boy after having a few beers, would tell that story in a very poignant way and wonder why his Dad wasn't there cheering him on and watching every second of that cup final. It really affected him as an adult. It made me see the small boy that remained in him and made me determined to make up for his early years and for me to love him enough to make it all better.

When the little boy grew up he was lucky enough to have a son of his own, his only son who was born quite perfectly on Father's Day and although he didn't articulate it, I knew that as he watched that baby he was vowing to always be there for his son in a way that he felt his own father wasn't for him.

Now his little boy is the same age as he was then and he also is not especially sporty but has also been thrilled to be picked for his school rugby team. Last week he was invited to a huge award ceremony, all the teachers had dressed up in tuxedo's and Paralympic silver medal winning swimmer Fiona Neal was there to present the prizes. The son went on that stage to proudly collect his certificate for being part of the success of the rugby team. He was cheered and clapped by his mother and his sisters who recognized what a huge deal it was for him and were crying with the excitement and the pride of him.

Where was his Dad ? He chose not to come to this award ceremony as he had to be at a function with his new girlfriend.

That father is perplexed and feeling very sorry for himself that his son doesn't want to see him today on Fathers Day or tomorrow on what is The Beautiful Son's 12 th birthday. Will he see the parallel in the situation of the 2 boys ? I sincerely doubt it

My beautiful son, I hope will be ok because he has known every day of his life how much I love him and how clever, handsome, funny and unique he is because I have told him so every day of his life and will continue to do so and because I have always been there for him and always will be.

The end

Man in training

After being out for the evening, when I was going up to bed I noticed that The Beautiful Son's light was shining under his door. Thinking he'd fallen asleep with the light on, I went in to switch it off. TBS was sitting on his floor, completely filthy, looking absolutely knackered and playing on his xbox. I asked him why he was still up at quarter to 11 and he replied " No one told me to go to bed "
How long would he have stayed up ? All night ?

Then I had a bit of a moan about his mud covered legs all over the cream carpet and asked him why he hadn't got washed. His reply " No one ran me a bath"

So there you have it, a man in training, completely incapable of self care or independent thought.

Things I can't see the point of

Wasps

Paris Hilton ( unless you take the view of she's there to make all people feel clever and/or talented)

Government reports on anything

Arguing with the Beautiful Baby Daughter, it's completely futile ( not for nothing is she also known as Little Miss Last Word)

Mr Bean

Breast enhancers ( things like padded bras or the chicken fillety type things you put down your bra, do you think he won't notice your breasts are significantly smaller when you take your bra off or at what point in the proceedings do you get rid of the fillets and where do you put them ?!?!)

Very expensive anti wrinkle creams - they won't work, spend the money on new shoes and a bottle of the red stuff, you'll feel SO much better

Stamp duty

Committee meetings, no one ever collectively and democratically decides things, 1 person has their own agenda and steamrollers others into agreeing, which they do because they're bored to feck and just want to escape to the pub

Jeremy Clarkson

The Guardian ( and it's readers)

20 constants from being 20

I still secretly fancy Billy Connolly and Robbie Coltrane

I continue to read avidly, at least 6 books a week

I will still avoid doing anything if there is an opportunity to sunbathe

I still drive too fast and with my music way too loud, some of the music remains the same as when I was 15 never mind 20

I continue to get stressy if I think I am going to be late, which is most of the time, punctuality remains a problem

I am yet to understand how the Clyde tunnel works ( if it goes under the river, where is the water, why can't I see it ? I understand the theory of tunnels, but the actuality of that one still bemuses me because I can't see any feckin water nearby )

I still think that (after I've had a few) that I could be a stand up comedian

I strongly continue to believe in Karma

My favourite treat remains a Fab ice lolly

I am still feckin studying ( when will that stop ? )

I haven't learned to cook yet

I am still really untidy

I still think I've got a bit of a wild child inside me

I am the same weight as I was at 20 but a smaller jeans size ( labels are getting bigger ladies, sorry !)

I still don't believe any politicians but continue to vote as a tribute to the woman who died for my right to be able to

I continue to think that men have an easier life than women, my own life experiences have kind of cemented that view point

I still miss my Grampa and think he was the best

I continue to love travelling, exploring new places and going on holiday

I still think of my first love Ospur as the one who got away, no change from being 15 there either

I am still alive, still healthy, still happy and still really, really grateful for my beautiful life

20 differences from being 20

I like to get home after a night out on the same day that I left

My alcohol intake is measured in glasses not bottles

I can now quite happily leave a party or evening out early if I'm not enjoying myself

I will sometimes drive to and from a night out

I no longer think that a night out starting with a meal is a waste of money and valuable drinking time

I only eat cereal at breakfast

I prefer quality over quantity ( in all things)

I would prefer Starbucks to any bar

I pay my credit card bill in full every month

I like to be in bed by 10pm as opposed to going out at 10pm

I am now a brilliant guest, I will show up on time, bring flowers, chocolates and wine, I will compliment effusively and help clear up as opposed to arriving 3 hours late, already twisted drunk and be very pleased with myself when I make it to your loo to vomit

My underwear criteria has changed from being clean to being clean, matching and gorgeous

I now teach the classes that bored the 20 year old me to death

I now know that my 20 year old self really wasn't too shabby and the 40 year old version is pretty good too

I now voluntarily run as opposed to running for buses or to avoid people

I look after my body and skin at 40 in a desperate attempt at damage limitation due to being 20

Occassionally I can argue calmly, cohesively and get my point across without shouting and bursting into tears

I can now apologise and accept blame

I can now love someone truly, unreservedly and unselfishly

I will no longer fake anything, if I'm not enjoying, you'll know about it

What I did on my visit to The Mother Country

Arrived back safely from the Mother Country. Had a good time as always, the beautiful parents are well as is the beautiful sister and her family. Had a very squiffy night out in Edinburgh on Saturday, your auntie had FOUR glasses of the red falling down stuff, visited some fave old haunts including The Living Room and some new ones Tiger Lily and a really lovely Thai restaurant called Ducit's. I had to have a fairly quiet day on Sunday to recover from the 4 glass Saturday however, I am such a wuss.

I have spent SO much money again, my credit card bill was so bad I couldn't even blog it this month. Splurges have included a mini meltdown in White Stuff, fabulous, fabulous high heeled wedges (2 pairs) in a shop I have just discovered in Glasgow called Aldo, white jeans ala Liz Hurley, 8 books, 2 new handbags and I managed to get my hands on the sold out, it's so hot you'd swop your granny for it Protect and Perfect serum. Serious shopping indeed.

The real big spend is my new mobile telephone, it is very very what splendid and the Eldest Beautiful Daughter is tres tres jealous. It does everything except bring you a cup of tea in the morning. EBD keeps muttering on that I only ring 3 people a month and I text like a granny, so what is the point of me having such a sexy phone. Today I watched a slide show of the beautiful children, surfed the internet on it AND downloaded the Sex and the City theme tune as my ring tone, how good is that ? Auntie Gwen's cup of happiness runneth over.

A big thank you to all my friends and family who made the time to see me and if you didn't make time to see me, then shame on you.

Just count your blessings girl !!!

I try really hard to be upbeat and sunny, I'm not one of those people who always moans about how shit their life is, honest. My life is turning out to be completely different to the way I imagined it but I am so not complaining about it, there are masses of positive things in my life, truly.

Today I have had a shocker of a day. So to cheer myself up, I will count my blessings

I have THE most special, unique and fabulous family, The Beautiful Children, The Beautiful Parents and The Beautiful Sister and her family.

The beautiful parents are home from my house in Turkey and can stop "helping" me.

My work is still fabulous and fulfilling and my learners are brilliant and I love teaching them.

Parents night for The Beautiful Son has passed and was really very encouraging, he chats a bit but all teachers I spoke to commented on what a good person he is and how much they liked him and enjoyed teaching him. Also The Beautiful Son is being presented with a prize for his part in the school rugby team.

Beautiful eldest daughter is still going to school, what she does there is another matter. She was in a drama showcase on Sat and again she stunned me with her talent. She looked, as always, extremely beautiful, which wasn't easy as she was playing the part of a cave woman.

Beautiful baby daughter is trying to become a more diet version of her personality as the full fat version has been proving rather tricky of late. This am when I was really upset she was really really comforting and extremely sweet. I love my baby so much.

I am coming home to The Mother Country on Saturday and staying for the half term week.

Some of The Beautiful friends I know will be seeing me and I hope some of the other beautiful friends will make time to see me.

The Beautiful House

Now you know that I am a lucky girl, I have the beautiful children, the beautiful friends, the fabulous job and you have had a mention of the beautiful parents. I am also lucky enough to own the beautiful house. It is a villa on the Turquoise coast in Turkey. It is dearly dearly loved by me and I feel more attached to it than any other house I've ever lived in.

At the moment the beautiful parents are spending a 2 week holiday there. They very kindly go out at this time each year and check that everything is ok as usually it has been closed up for a few months over the winter. They are always extremely kind and get the house into order for the paying guests who rent our villa over the summer. I usually have several quite confusing conversations with my mother as to what they've done and why. She speaks with machine gun speed and about several topics at once and hangs up really quickly as she's conscious of the credit on her mobile running out. Then she switches her phone off and I can never really get a full understanding of what's going on so I try and ring back but it's no good, the phone is switched off, she never checks her voicemail and she can't read text messages. In short I worry more about my house when TBP are there than with any other guests.

In the week they have been there, my parents ( well, really my gadget mad dad ) have replaced my satellite dish, installed an upgraded form of cable tv and then uninstalled it as it contained fairly graphic pornography channels. How I would have loved to see my pensioner mother trying to find that phrase in her Turkish for Beginners book !!!

They have upgraded the garden lighting and the pool lighting which was kept basic as electricity is shockingly expensive in Turkey, and really when guests are on holiday they don't check if they've switched off all the lights etc they just get drunk and go to bed leaving every bloody light in the place on. Fair enough I've done it myself when I've rented someone elses villa.

The most bizarre thing of all is that they've changed my front door locks, why I don't know. This has necessitated having the electric card re soldered to the key ( so you can't leave all the air con units on when you're out, which people do ), a new spare set of keys cut for the property management agents and another set cut for me. Whilst I was trying to organise this from England (as I know that my mother will have just gone out and got a new front door lock) I had to send several e mails to the agents and my next door neighbours in Turkey because my mother has her phone switched off, I rang my sister to say if mum phoned her would she get her to call me. When I explained this all to her she told me that in all probability there would be nothing wrong with the door. When my sister and her family went with TBP to the villa last year, neither of the parents could open the door, so my brother in law had to do it. Sometimes my sister would arrive home and find them waiting in the garden having been back for ages ..........

So before my head twirls round 3 times and explodes from the stress of having 2 people who really shouldn't be allowed out by themselves never mind leave the country "helping" me out, I just have to look again at the pictures. Incidentally the 2 little people on the beach are The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter.

Driving Mummy Mental

It is a given that I love my children, I cannot articulate how much my 3 mean to me. They all have their moments but I usually manage not to get bent out of shape by them. This is my disclaimer.

This past week has been tricky, I went through a red light, I'm busy at work, I am writing a new course to start next month, been asked to prepare another course for Sept and with the course I am currently teaching, I spend more time doing paperwork, lesson plans, Rarpa documentation etc than I actually do teaching, and then the news to gladden any teachers heart, Ofsted are a comin. Yaay, cue the gospel chorus singing "Oh happy days" !

The beautiful son and his maddest mate have been making kids jackass videos and posting them on google. This involves them doing all sorts of STUPID stuff including jumping off bikes at high speeds, hitting each other in the nuts and climbing out of upstairs windows, you get the picture. This is not the stupidest thing they've done but it sets the scene for you.

On Friday TBS had his maddest mate to sleep over, they wanted to sleep in the lounge so they could look for naked women on the tv late at night. No problem. Next morning I get up at 7.30 am and on 1 sofa I have TBS fast asleep under his duvet. On the other sofa no one, no maddest mate, no duvet. I go upstairs to check if MM has slept in TBS room, bed empty, check the whole house no MM. Trying not to scream I wake up TBS who has no clue where MM is. Then I see a note been pushed through the front door. It's from MM mother apologising, MM couldn't get to sleep, so packed up all his kit and walked home at half past midnight in his pyjamas......

So this daftest of daft small boys chose not to tell anyone as he didn't want to disturb us as we were all asleep, didn't phone his own parents, just arrived home and banged on his door till his mother woke up and let him in, leaving my front door unlocked all night. His mother came round and left me the note as she didn't want to wake up the whole house by ringing. I don't even want to think what could have happened to him on his own at that time of night.

Never in my wildest dreams did I worry about losing a child from my home, I said goodnight to them, locked the doors and went to bed. No one would think that an 11 year old boy would go home in the middle of the night without telling anyone. You should really expect the unexpected with this boy though.

So let me remind you what I do for a living. I teach childcare and parenting skills.

Notice of Intended Prosecution

Just arrived home from work. Picked up the usual junk mail and another official looking envelope addressed to yours truly. Out pops a notice of intended prosecution for your Auntie Gwen. At 9.08 am on Mon 30th April 2007 I was a bad naughty girl and committed the alleged offence of fail to conform red traffic light. They have the photographic evidence to prove it apparently. I don't disbelieve them, I just genuinely don't remember going through a red light. I've never been in trouble before and I have no idea what happens now other than filling in the form and sending it back. I have no idea where the paper part of my license is either. Oh if I wasn't so worried I'd be really fecked off.

Salsa my arse

One of the beautiful friends has been getting a bit bored recently. My hobbies of reading, drinking, starbucking and lying prone on the sofa don't cut much ice with her. She's one of these women who are good at everything, she can cook, bake, sew, renovate houses and she's also a qualified pilot. I however can't cook, sew or do diy and I struggle to drive never mind fly a plane. I think my friends choose me to showcase their own talents as bless me I can't think of one talent I possess unless you count spending money and just enjoying my life. Anyway the beautiful friend aka Jo decides maybe we should try salsa dancing and finds a beginners lesson.

The beautiful children esp Eldest Beautiful daughter find this hysterical and ask me who would go salsa dancing and I told them - forty something women who're not at their book group. My ungrateful lot think I should only be allowed out of the house to go to the supermarket, go to work and to drive them places.

So off we go to our lesson and find the room full of 20 something, 30 something and 40 something women who're not at their book group. There are however a few men there, obviously been dragged along by their other half's, 1 normal bloke on his own and there is a fat beardy bloke in a t shirt with dragons on who's taken a wrong turning coming out of Games Workshop. I just know he's going to find me.

But surprise, surprise normal bloke asks me to dance and being the good friend realise that that leaves fat beardy bloke for Jo and even though she's made me do this, say I'd better stick with my friend. I made her be the man though.

Dear God, you have to be so close together doing this kind of dancing,I fully expected a cigarette after, so I'm really pleased I'm with Jo as I can't bear being that close to someone I don't know and then the teacher moves us all round. The object is to dance with all the people in the room and find out their name. Eventually I get to fat beardy bloke who is called Clive, yes really Clive, that gives you a flavour doesn't it ?, and he wants to know all about me. I am irresistable to anyone like this, always have been and always will be. Clive was enjoying himself way too much, what with being with an actual live 3 dimensional woman with a pulse but fortunately for me, you are only with your partner for a short time and then you move on.

At the end, they give you the spiel about signing up for the course of lessons and I am truly relieved when Jo realises she can't commit for the whole course as in a few weeks time she joins an operatic society ( she's bored,she likes to keep busy and she's not in a book group, okay) to begin rehearsals for a production of Oliver. I obviously can't go back by myself, how will Clive cope without me ?

Like I always say, there is a God, and next Tues I will be in my normal position of prone alone.

Taught her everything she knows

Yesterday Eldest Beautiful Daughter was babysitting and had to pick the children up from school. On arrival at the school, the little lad's teacher told her that when he was putting his chair on top of his desk, it had fallen off and bumped him on the head. The teacher told her to give him a cold flannel and some TLC when she got him home.

When she was telling me about this later, I asked her if she had done what the teacher had suggested and was he okay and she replied in her own inimitable style

" Cold flannel and TLC my arse, I gave him a chocolate biscuit and let him watch Horrid Henry, he was grand "

That my friends is my daughter, been taught well , childcare - the Auntie Gwen style

My credit card bill

Just to make you all feel better about your own financial situation, I give you this month's bill...........

£758.29

Better than last month though.

You'll agree however that I am the Supreme Queen of waste your money shopping.

What was your first gig ?

Eldest beautiful daughter went to her first gig on Friday night. She went to see The Lost Prophets at Birmingham Indoor Arena and she had the best time of her life. She texted me a few times and was SO excited when she got home, she was still excited the next day, her high just stayed. She got even more giddy when I took her back to Birmingham on Saturday for a girly shopping trip and bought her more Krispy kreme donuts. The day also included Starbucks, Pizza Express and red wine, how good is that ? I financed all of the above and in return she showed me how to spot hot boys ( for the record Birmingham has lots and there are 2 male shop assistants in Topshop in the Bullring to die for ) only if you're a 15 year old emo I think. Did I get a good deal, I wonder ?

Whilst she went to The Lost Prophets, the beautiful son and I went for a pizza and then to see Wild Hogs, I had a brilliant night, my son is fabulous, he is going to be the perfect date when he's older. He loved wild hogs and laughed his little head off, I didn't find it quite as funny but couldn't stop laughing because he was so funny when he laughed. A great night,so so good.

Today beautiful baby daughter comes home, I've had a postcard saying she missed me, she was homesick but she would cope, only 1 tiny mention that she's been kayaking, no clue as to what else she'd done, just that she missed me. My parents and my sister also got cards just telling them she was homesick but with no mention of the myriad of activities she's partaking of.

2 of my friends are running the London Marathon today so big big love to Susan and Melanie. Susan is doing this for the first and last time according to her, bless her, she's had to have physio for the last 2 months and her toenails have turned black and she's even lost a few ( sorry I know it's gross) but I want to applaud her dedication. Mel is an old hand at marathons and is encouraging me to have a go, I am thinking about it though. Mel's done the New York one last year, the Dublin one this year and she doing the Toronto one is September , so she is a good example to your very lazy Auntie Gwen.
Good luck also to Susan's friend and running buddy Hilary.
Don't we feel ashamed now Sarah ? we've been talking about running the Race for Life for at least 3 years, we really need to do something about it, instead of starbucking and red wining, shame on us !!!!

To round off in a slightly cohesive fashion, I was also 15 when I went to my first gig. It was The Stranglers , November 23rd 1981 at my most favourite venue The Glasgow Apollo (RIP) so sad it's gone. I've still got the ticket. I'm not sure what my best gig was I've been really lucky and seen most of the bands I love including some greats such as U2, Simple Minds, David Bowie, Siouxie and the Banshees, The Signals AND the Finn Cousins but I will say that for sheer right of passage experience and being there with my first love The Stranglers has to be up there.

Krispy Kreme verdict

Eldest beautiful daughter loved hers
The beautiful son loved his
I only had one bite of mine and was nearly torn from limb to limb when I didn't especially like mine and proffered it up.

Gawd almighty do they ice them with crack ?

Krispy Kreme

Very busy day for your auntie Gwen today.

Beautiful baby daughter has gone to Wales on a " please don't lose, maim or kill my small child activity holiday " type school trip. As some of you may know I don't function well without my full complement of offspring. This particular trip has been done by both the eldest beautiful daughter and the beautiful son so I am slightly less of a basket case than I was on previous occasions as they both returned home with the same number of limbs they left with. They do a ferocious ammount of activities including rock climbing, abseiling, caving, canoeing, kayaking, archery and zip wire. So, as you can see it's just the thing a teacher would want to take 62 ten year olds to do ! ! She'll be back on Sunday, so just 4 sleeps till she comes home.

I was again in regional headquarters in Birmingham today on another course all to do with the fascinating topic of RaRPA, so if you're really an insomniac and need help, email and I'll send you my notes. Great craic with some of the other tutors though and we had a little peek in the shops. In Selfridges there was a massive queue at the krispy kreme counter. My colleagues did not believe I was a krispy kreme virgin and insisted that must change. I bought 1 fancy choc donut each for the EBD and TBS and I had a maple glazed one for me. I was truly shocked at the prices of them but didn't say anything because I don't want to perpetuate the untrue myth of Scottish people being mean. So very casually I smiled serenly at the wee boy behind the counter as I handed over .........

£3.90,

yes that's right £ 3.90 it costs me and I resisted the urge to scream " for 3 feckin donuts "
There were people there buying them by the dozen . Whit's that aw aboot ( TM Edge ), no seriously I am no stranger to waste your money shopping but boxes of donuts costing near enough £15 , come on .

So tonight it will be nice grown up food for tea, wine is cab Sauv, fancy donuts for afters and The Apprentice followed by Desperate Housewives on the telly. I'll do my lesson plans tomorrow and I'll let you know if we thought the do nuts were worth it.

Thank you God

I've had a bit of a difficult week this week. A few of my own personal issues, the beautiful children have been unsettled, my sister's pregnancy is not going as well as we'd hoped and then Beautiful Baby daughter scraped my neighbours car with her bike and it's going to cost £200 to repair and no she won't settle for scented candles instead of cash.

Yesterday something happened that put everything in perspective. The beautiful son and beautiful baby daughter were in a car, the car did a u turn and then out of nowhere a motorbike hit the side of them.

The car they were in was a saab and they were completely unhurt as was the driver. I got a phone call to go and collect them, the police and ambulance crew were there and they closed the road off. The motorbike driver was taken to hospital and I hope he makes a full recovery I don't think he has injured his head or neck.

Truly shocking to me was the ammount of people who were just out there watching, my children told me later that there were kids sitting on a bench opposite eating ice cream whilst this poor boy lay on the ground. What kind of parents allow their children to see this ?

I felt tremendous guilt for my initial feeling of relief and joy that my children were safe when someone else's son was lying on the ground. Please God let the boy make a full recovery.

So from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU GOD my children are ok they are obviously quite shaken up by what they've been through but they are safe and unhurt, my sister is still pregnant and all the rest of the shit in my life I can find a way to deal with.