Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Happy Hogmanay
For the last few years I have been unhappy on Hogmanay.
In 2005 I was very unhappy in my marriage and it ended in 2006.
In 2006 it was the first Hogmanay since 1985 I was without Gordon, although he did spend it at my house but again, painful for both of us.
Last year in 2007 I woke up knowing I was in a relationship that was making me profoundly unhappy and I was getting ready to take my children away for New Year with my ex boyfriend Ken, his children and his sister and her friends. That was a horrible time for me and mine, 2 out of my 3 children didn't prefer him but I felt responsible to try and make it work as I had brought him into my children's lives and I never wanted to introduce them to a succession of new partners. I stopped seeing him just after New Year to my immediate nearest and dearests great relief.
Last weekend Ken's children came to stay with me, his ex wife and I liased over this, I liked her immensely, I was incredibly fond of his children and they have kept in touch with myself and my children. I didn't realise how much they missed me, it was so good to see them again. After hours of chat with his ex wife I realised that I never really knew him at all, the lies he told us both, he gave me what I wanted to hear, mush a plenty, he found my weak spot and emotionally shape shifted to be what I wanted. His ex wife couldn't recognise the man I was dating and I realise now what a mutually delusional 6 months we had, I've had a lucky escape.
Someone who knows me too well remarked last month that he thought I didn't really love Ken at all, he's read every word on this blog and knows me well enough to comment. It was a bit of a double edged sword for him to read and I think he found it difficult in the beginning to read all I blogged about my past.
I never write any of the mushy stuff about him, not because it's not there and definitely not because he's less important, I think I've kept it more to myself because it was so out there last time and because this man is private and I never want him to feel that I've said something that he is uncomfortable with. It can't be easy knowing that potentially everything could be offered up for blog mates scrutiny.
So this morning, Hogmanay 2008, I woke up completely at peace with my life, having had another one of my perfect nights with everything I wanted. I wish all of you, dear readers, to have that feeling too this 2009.
And I wish us more of us.
Monday, 29 December 2008
Romantasyland
Once upon a time in the far away kingdom of Romantasyland lived a maiden, okay, a maiden who was old enough to know better.
She thought she had met and married her Prince, sadly he turned out to be a toad but undeterred our heroine kept kissing frogs, waiting for her Prince, she never gave up on the idea of romance.
Enter our dashing hero, 6 foot 1 of pure muscle, fair of hair (plenty of it too, the maiden was impressed, she's used to short, middle aged bald men) and blue of eye, the maiden was a bit bowled over.
Like all good fairytales the path of true love never runs smoothly, the maiden had a nasty habit of demanding mush and romance and wanting to talk about their relationship and the dashing hero was after all, a bloke, and a Northern bloke at that.
The maiden remarked to the dashing hero that most couples have a honeymoon period where there is an abundance of romance and mush before reality sets in but that they had seemed to go straight to the reality stage.
Our dashing hero agreed that indeed their relationship had always been real and stated in what he may have thought to be a concillatory fashion "There's more than one way to skin a cat"
Quite.
She thought she had met and married her Prince, sadly he turned out to be a toad but undeterred our heroine kept kissing frogs, waiting for her Prince, she never gave up on the idea of romance.
Enter our dashing hero, 6 foot 1 of pure muscle, fair of hair (plenty of it too, the maiden was impressed, she's used to short, middle aged bald men) and blue of eye, the maiden was a bit bowled over.
Like all good fairytales the path of true love never runs smoothly, the maiden had a nasty habit of demanding mush and romance and wanting to talk about their relationship and the dashing hero was after all, a bloke, and a Northern bloke at that.
The maiden remarked to the dashing hero that most couples have a honeymoon period where there is an abundance of romance and mush before reality sets in but that they had seemed to go straight to the reality stage.
Our dashing hero agreed that indeed their relationship had always been real and stated in what he may have thought to be a concillatory fashion "There's more than one way to skin a cat"
Quite.
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
How the hell did I do that ?
I was in the middle of changing the bed when I got a text. I love getting texted, really and truly, I am like a teenager with texts. The text was from my good friend Sixy saying, see my blog. So I log on and read how her beloved bidey in had proposed in his sleep, and she wonders if he can legally be held to this if he was asleep.
Incidentally, I was bumping my gums a few weeks ago about throwing away a marriage proposal and I didn't give my other lovely proposal a mention, if you read this (and I'm fairly sure you will) I still have your text from 22nd June saying "but I'm driving and can't type! oh sod it, will u marry me ?" Who says romance is dead, eh ?, no kiss either, never mind your soft and tender x at the end, no feckin x at all at the end, my boy !
Anyway, while I get distracted with all this nonsense I manage to lose one of my pillows, I always have 4, now I can only find 3, how the hell did I manage to do that? So my bed looks lopsided now. Sometimes my life is weird.
Incidentally, I was bumping my gums a few weeks ago about throwing away a marriage proposal and I didn't give my other lovely proposal a mention, if you read this (and I'm fairly sure you will) I still have your text from 22nd June saying "but I'm driving and can't type! oh sod it, will u marry me ?" Who says romance is dead, eh ?, no kiss either, never mind your soft and tender x at the end, no feckin x at all at the end, my boy !
Anyway, while I get distracted with all this nonsense I manage to lose one of my pillows, I always have 4, now I can only find 3, how the hell did I manage to do that? So my bed looks lopsided now. Sometimes my life is weird.
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Being a Teenager again
My mammy is visiting me at the moment so that has meant a total reversal to my teenage state, she is feeding me, tidying up after me and generally minding me.
I think I took it too far when I arrived home from my big night out much later than I said I'd be. I drove up the driveway with the cd and headlights turned off. Creeping in quietly so as not to wake her, yes I know I'm 42 and it's my house but old habits die hard.
But even if she had grounded me it would have so been worth it because it was such a special night out, one of my very, very best.
I think I took it too far when I arrived home from my big night out much later than I said I'd be. I drove up the driveway with the cd and headlights turned off. Creeping in quietly so as not to wake her, yes I know I'm 42 and it's my house but old habits die hard.
But even if she had grounded me it would have so been worth it because it was such a special night out, one of my very, very best.
Friday, 19 December 2008
All I want for Christmas
Busy busy girl this week, so shamelessly in a time saving effort, I have recycled an email I received this week. Actually I would quite happily post all the correspondence as it's extremely funny in an off the wall sort of vein but I hope they don't mind me posting this.
My special name that only they use,
I can't guess and this stuff isn't cheap so please choose your Xmas present and I'll do the rest.
Thanks.
x
So, what do you think would be the cut of auntiegwen's jib ?
My special name that only they use,
I can't guess and this stuff isn't cheap so please choose your Xmas present and I'll do the rest.
Thanks.
x
So, what do you think would be the cut of auntiegwen's jib ?
Monday, 15 December 2008
Last Week of Term
Can you hear the glad tidings ? Can you hear the whoop whoop auntiegwen happy noise ? I have only this week to go and then I finish for two whole weeks, how good is that ?
I have had a particularly horrible term, I usually love teaching but I have a very challenging group (that's the technical term for it, I have another one myself ...) I knew it was bad when someone who knows me too well made my New Year Resolution for me and it was to apply for 3 new jobs ! Sorry, you have had to listen to a lot but I am grateful really !
This week I have to be observed 3 times, by my head of department, by a student and by a colleague, no pressure then as our students remain completely focused and engaged in their learning, as it their wont until the very last minute of term as I'm sure you can imagine all teenagers do, they are so on form, especially on the last day of school before Christmas.
Today I got an email from the head asking me if tomorrow afternoon my (particularly challenging) class would be able to help out at our Old Age Pensioners party that the school holds every year. Obviously he hasn't met them en masse.
Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, haven't these pensioners suffered enough ? Surviving a world war, maybe 2 wars, rationing, pensions and houses being worth fourpence and a caramel, the choice between eating or dying of hypothermia and any ill health they may have and what have got to look forward to ? A party at the local high school ?
It's almost worth giving up smoking, drinking and eating anything remotely tasty just to stay alive long enough for my year 12's to come along with ipod earphones a dangling, gum hinging out and all the "Huh's well goods, innits and that's sick man" they can hope to hear in an afternoon, complete with the beautiful attire of trousers hanging off their arse with at least 6 inches of boxers on show. Oh yes, they'll be pleased they've lived long enough to see the youth of today.
On a more serious note, the students may surprise me, they may be the charming and polite teenager their parent hopes that they'll be. I live in hope.
I have had a particularly horrible term, I usually love teaching but I have a very challenging group (that's the technical term for it, I have another one myself ...) I knew it was bad when someone who knows me too well made my New Year Resolution for me and it was to apply for 3 new jobs ! Sorry, you have had to listen to a lot but I am grateful really !
This week I have to be observed 3 times, by my head of department, by a student and by a colleague, no pressure then as our students remain completely focused and engaged in their learning, as it their wont until the very last minute of term as I'm sure you can imagine all teenagers do, they are so on form, especially on the last day of school before Christmas.
Today I got an email from the head asking me if tomorrow afternoon my (particularly challenging) class would be able to help out at our Old Age Pensioners party that the school holds every year. Obviously he hasn't met them en masse.
Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, haven't these pensioners suffered enough ? Surviving a world war, maybe 2 wars, rationing, pensions and houses being worth fourpence and a caramel, the choice between eating or dying of hypothermia and any ill health they may have and what have got to look forward to ? A party at the local high school ?
It's almost worth giving up smoking, drinking and eating anything remotely tasty just to stay alive long enough for my year 12's to come along with ipod earphones a dangling, gum hinging out and all the "Huh's well goods, innits and that's sick man" they can hope to hear in an afternoon, complete with the beautiful attire of trousers hanging off their arse with at least 6 inches of boxers on show. Oh yes, they'll be pleased they've lived long enough to see the youth of today.
On a more serious note, the students may surprise me, they may be the charming and polite teenager their parent hopes that they'll be. I live in hope.
Friday, 12 December 2008
Things your mammy says.
I seem to say the same things over again to my children usually "Would you give yourself peace" To be fair I say this to everyone but I'm sure they'll always associate it with me. When I was little my mammy used to have a huge collection of sayings, one in particular would now be seen as offensive in our ultra pc society, so I haven't included it in case I offend anyone but here are a few gems from my mammy. Including translations. Some of them don't make a lot of sense but she said them all the same.
If you died wi a face like that naebdy would wash it. Please stop sulking
I'll gie ye yer heid in yer hauns tae play wi. When asked for something to play with/to do as I was bored.
You'll have me in a pine box, you have my heart scalded. You will be the death of me.
The road to Hell is paved wi good intentions. Just do what you were meant to do and don't make excuses
Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat ? sometimes for emphasis she would say "Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat swinging a bag o totties ?" Do you think I'll believe anything ?
Hinging tae my lip shouting Tarzan. I have no idea where your (insert 70's toy of your choice) eg stylophone/clackers/spacehopper is !
Your soul is as black as The Earl of Hell's waistcoat. You are very naughty.
That last one's proving just a little too phrophetic for me at the moment.
If you died wi a face like that naebdy would wash it. Please stop sulking
I'll gie ye yer heid in yer hauns tae play wi. When asked for something to play with/to do as I was bored.
You'll have me in a pine box, you have my heart scalded. You will be the death of me.
The road to Hell is paved wi good intentions. Just do what you were meant to do and don't make excuses
Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat ? sometimes for emphasis she would say "Do you think I came up the Clyde on a banana boat swinging a bag o totties ?" Do you think I'll believe anything ?
Hinging tae my lip shouting Tarzan. I have no idea where your (insert 70's toy of your choice) eg stylophone/clackers/spacehopper is !
Your soul is as black as The Earl of Hell's waistcoat. You are very naughty.
That last one's proving just a little too phrophetic for me at the moment.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
"I'm telling on you"
Four words that make my heart sink as I know I'm going to have to referee yet another bloody disagreement.
Tonight The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter were engaged in their favourite sport of annoy your sibling, my children can do this to Olympic standard and their dedication to perfecting this to an art form is unparallelled.
The bicker this evening was because BBD put the kitchen light off as she left the room but TBS was still in there finishing his yoghurt. This caused some yelling and both of them tear through to moan at me as is their wont. I hate this behaviour, the "I'm telling on you" stuff, I find it tedious and infuriating. BBD reasoned that as I am always telling them to turn lights off when they leave a room, she was just doing as requested, and that TBS didn't need light to eat a frube. I have mentioned before that BBD is also known as Little Miss Last Word and can never be wrong (I wonder where she gets that from ?)
So before the last vein in my head explodes I use my Queen of the Nasty Whisper voice, it's quite scary and they vamoose upstairs, it's a fairly low tone and is usually uttered through a very tightly clenched jaw and goes a bit like this
"foryourownsafetyiwouldrecommendthatyouleavethisroomimmediatelyandfindsomethingtodothatiwouldconsideruseful"
So what do I do then ? I phone my mammy and tell tales on them ! Oh yes, the faults I hate in others are the ones I have in abundance myself. So I have a right old whinge to my mammy about their behaviour and about the fact that no one does anything to help me and how perpetually knackered I am and she speaks to each one of my children and tells them off ! She makes them promise to do more to help me around the house and suitably chastened they disappear to tidy their bedrooms.
So I now know why they persist in telling tales because your mammy makes nice to you, gives you lots of sympathy and sorts it out for you.
ps My mammy is the nicest woman in the world, truly she is, she always finds a good word for everyone, this is my disclaimer, now read what she said to me, this was after I'd stopped whinging and she's told them off, this was when we were having a proper chat
auntiegwen - Gordon's (who I used to be married to, still technically am, but my weans dad) broken his toe. He doesn't know how he did it but I had a look and it's def broken
mammy - is it hurting him then ?
auntiegwen - yeah, he says it's really sore
mammy - good, I hope it's louping (very painful)
That made us both laugh and I felt a lot better, I love my mammy
Tonight The Beautiful Son and Beautiful Baby Daughter were engaged in their favourite sport of annoy your sibling, my children can do this to Olympic standard and their dedication to perfecting this to an art form is unparallelled.
The bicker this evening was because BBD put the kitchen light off as she left the room but TBS was still in there finishing his yoghurt. This caused some yelling and both of them tear through to moan at me as is their wont. I hate this behaviour, the "I'm telling on you" stuff, I find it tedious and infuriating. BBD reasoned that as I am always telling them to turn lights off when they leave a room, she was just doing as requested, and that TBS didn't need light to eat a frube. I have mentioned before that BBD is also known as Little Miss Last Word and can never be wrong (I wonder where she gets that from ?)
So before the last vein in my head explodes I use my Queen of the Nasty Whisper voice, it's quite scary and they vamoose upstairs, it's a fairly low tone and is usually uttered through a very tightly clenched jaw and goes a bit like this
"foryourownsafetyiwouldrecommendthatyouleavethisroomimmediatelyandfindsomethingtodothatiwouldconsideruseful"
So what do I do then ? I phone my mammy and tell tales on them ! Oh yes, the faults I hate in others are the ones I have in abundance myself. So I have a right old whinge to my mammy about their behaviour and about the fact that no one does anything to help me and how perpetually knackered I am and she speaks to each one of my children and tells them off ! She makes them promise to do more to help me around the house and suitably chastened they disappear to tidy their bedrooms.
So I now know why they persist in telling tales because your mammy makes nice to you, gives you lots of sympathy and sorts it out for you.
ps My mammy is the nicest woman in the world, truly she is, she always finds a good word for everyone, this is my disclaimer, now read what she said to me, this was after I'd stopped whinging and she's told them off, this was when we were having a proper chat
auntiegwen - Gordon's (who I used to be married to, still technically am, but my weans dad) broken his toe. He doesn't know how he did it but I had a look and it's def broken
mammy - is it hurting him then ?
auntiegwen - yeah, he says it's really sore
mammy - good, I hope it's louping (very painful)
That made us both laugh and I felt a lot better, I love my mammy
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Ho Ho Ho
Every year I don't want to think about Christmas till December and then every year around the first week in December I realise why everyone else starts in October, beacause it takes so much feckin time !!!!!
I have not started my Christmas shopping yet, today is the day I am going to venture into town and accomplish the buying of all the gifts that are on my as yet unwritten list. This will include all the stocking fillers that my 3 beloved and bigger than me children still expect.
I will also have to buy the Crabtree and Evelyn Noel candles, room spray and oil (that you put on top of a wee metal ring on your light bulb and it diffuses the scent) I will also have to buy old fashioned not very eco friendly light bulbs to put the ring on. I also need Whittards special Christmas hot chocolate powder (£5 per tin last about a week so need 4 to see the girls through to New year) I also need some new tree lights, wrapping paper, tape and Christmas cards as I have actually managed to post any for the last 2 years, if you saw me you got one if you didn't, sorry !
After I accomplish these tasks, which should take about an hour or so, purchasing gifts and such for all my 3 and my extended family, I shall stop and have a leisurely Christmas coffee in Starbucks, where I haven't been since the red cups came out as it will be empty 2 weeks before Christmas and I'll have the place to myself, ditto the parking, it'll be a breeze to pop in and get a place less than 10 miles from where I want to go.
On my return I will retrieve the tree and decorations from the attic and I will spend many hours assembling and decorating the tree and in a spirit of joyfullness and gladness to all my offspring who would care to help me. Not once will I mention that they are making the tree look like a tinkers dog. I like my tree to have clear lights and 1 colour of decs usually gold, my children favour a more colourful approach.
This should take me till around 6pm when my friend will arrive and will spend at least 3 hours telling me her latest man troubles, I will of course be extremely sympathetic about this even though I know all 3 verses and the disco chorus and sing along to them on a weekly basis. I will be ever so supportive and will find myself agreeing to spending more hours in bars looking for men with her as I will be distracted by cooking the childrens tea, signing homework diaries, finding lost kit and getting the uniforms ready for the next day.
At around 10 pm I will load the dishwasher and start to prepare my year 10's structure and mechanism of the heart lesson I should have finished yesterday but didn't as it took me so long to finish my year 12's marking. I will them prepare the craft activity I have to do with my mums and babies tomorrow at my parenting skills class, it's lovely, I am going to do the babies hand or foor prints in gold or silver on black card and put them in these pre bought tree decorations. I only have to write baby ---- first Christmas in calligraphy, and I only have a dozen.
At stupid o clock I will flop into bed wondering where my day went and I will spend a few hours trying to work out how I can get 3 days to visit my parents when I have to work on the 22nd Dec and the 2 youngest have to be with their Dad on the 24th and then again on the 26th through till New Year, actually January 2nd. I think the only thing to do is drive up after work on the 22nd and drive down late on the 23rd as thats the only time I have my full compliment of offspring so they can see my parents.
I'd much rather stay in bed. Preferably with someone making me a cup of coffee and reading me a story till I fall asleep.
I have not started my Christmas shopping yet, today is the day I am going to venture into town and accomplish the buying of all the gifts that are on my as yet unwritten list. This will include all the stocking fillers that my 3 beloved and bigger than me children still expect.
I will also have to buy the Crabtree and Evelyn Noel candles, room spray and oil (that you put on top of a wee metal ring on your light bulb and it diffuses the scent) I will also have to buy old fashioned not very eco friendly light bulbs to put the ring on. I also need Whittards special Christmas hot chocolate powder (£5 per tin last about a week so need 4 to see the girls through to New year) I also need some new tree lights, wrapping paper, tape and Christmas cards as I have actually managed to post any for the last 2 years, if you saw me you got one if you didn't, sorry !
After I accomplish these tasks, which should take about an hour or so, purchasing gifts and such for all my 3 and my extended family, I shall stop and have a leisurely Christmas coffee in Starbucks, where I haven't been since the red cups came out as it will be empty 2 weeks before Christmas and I'll have the place to myself, ditto the parking, it'll be a breeze to pop in and get a place less than 10 miles from where I want to go.
On my return I will retrieve the tree and decorations from the attic and I will spend many hours assembling and decorating the tree and in a spirit of joyfullness and gladness to all my offspring who would care to help me. Not once will I mention that they are making the tree look like a tinkers dog. I like my tree to have clear lights and 1 colour of decs usually gold, my children favour a more colourful approach.
This should take me till around 6pm when my friend will arrive and will spend at least 3 hours telling me her latest man troubles, I will of course be extremely sympathetic about this even though I know all 3 verses and the disco chorus and sing along to them on a weekly basis. I will be ever so supportive and will find myself agreeing to spending more hours in bars looking for men with her as I will be distracted by cooking the childrens tea, signing homework diaries, finding lost kit and getting the uniforms ready for the next day.
At around 10 pm I will load the dishwasher and start to prepare my year 10's structure and mechanism of the heart lesson I should have finished yesterday but didn't as it took me so long to finish my year 12's marking. I will them prepare the craft activity I have to do with my mums and babies tomorrow at my parenting skills class, it's lovely, I am going to do the babies hand or foor prints in gold or silver on black card and put them in these pre bought tree decorations. I only have to write baby ---- first Christmas in calligraphy, and I only have a dozen.
At stupid o clock I will flop into bed wondering where my day went and I will spend a few hours trying to work out how I can get 3 days to visit my parents when I have to work on the 22nd Dec and the 2 youngest have to be with their Dad on the 24th and then again on the 26th through till New Year, actually January 2nd. I think the only thing to do is drive up after work on the 22nd and drive down late on the 23rd as thats the only time I have my full compliment of offspring so they can see my parents.
I'd much rather stay in bed. Preferably with someone making me a cup of coffee and reading me a story till I fall asleep.
Saturday, 6 December 2008
I want one of those
Yesterday Beautiful Eldest daughter went to joecryor's (beloved, beloved matey boy, has probably taken over from the Matthew as the chief matey boy, and we know how beloved the Matthew was, and if you don't know, shame on you for not keeping up !)
She was streemly tired after a very late night and a drama xam and do you know what this lovely boy did ?
He made her a cup of tea (now I did know this but you probably didn't yourself, joecryor makes the best tea in the world)
He put her into his bed, tucked her up, and whilst she drank the best tea in the world, he read her a story, it was I believe Mr Birthday from the Mr Men collection and he stayed with her till she fell asleep.
What a fab way to spend a cold dreich rainy Friday afternoon.
I want a joecryor, he is the loveliest boy in the world, after TBS, actually it's a tough call which one I prefer and that is SAYING SOMETHING (in capitals for emphasis)
ps he is normally referred to as joecryor as we have 3 matey boys with the first name of Joe,
But joecryor is the best
pps as I typed this The Beautiful Son has just brought me breakfast in bed, I love my boy so I have to say joecryor is the boy I love the best that I didn't give birth to, I'm sure you'll agree it's still very high praise !
She was streemly tired after a very late night and a drama xam and do you know what this lovely boy did ?
He made her a cup of tea (now I did know this but you probably didn't yourself, joecryor makes the best tea in the world)
He put her into his bed, tucked her up, and whilst she drank the best tea in the world, he read her a story, it was I believe Mr Birthday from the Mr Men collection and he stayed with her till she fell asleep.
What a fab way to spend a cold dreich rainy Friday afternoon.
I want a joecryor, he is the loveliest boy in the world, after TBS, actually it's a tough call which one I prefer and that is SAYING SOMETHING (in capitals for emphasis)
ps he is normally referred to as joecryor as we have 3 matey boys with the first name of Joe,
But joecryor is the best
pps as I typed this The Beautiful Son has just brought me breakfast in bed, I love my boy so I have to say joecryor is the boy I love the best that I didn't give birth to, I'm sure you'll agree it's still very high praise !
Friday, 5 December 2008
Glasvegas and White Lies
Went back to see Glasvegas last night, this time in Wolverhampton. They were supported by this band White Lies, who were pretty awesome and got a great reception from the crowd.
I enjoyed Glasvegas more this time round. Pretty much the same songlist as Sheffield but with the addition of the new single "A Snowflake fell (and it felt like a kiss)" and the winner of the most cryptic song title of the decade "Fuck you, it's over" I nearly didn't recognize James Allan without his shades but he maybe felt he could do without them in Wolverhampton in December.
So what made this gig better than last time ? A mixture of things, I guess, there was a good crowd, plenty of beer getting thrown in the air, lots of moshing, people just seemed to be enjoying it more and there were more of us, the band seemed to be into it more too. Encores as well, there was a really brilliant bit where during the last song " Daddy's gone", the band left the stage and left us singing the " He's gone" refrain, a good moment to be part of. Fabulous support act in the White Lies, I'll go and see then again and an important point...
Starting time ?
9.45pm
Now that's what I call rock and roll. Primal Scream ? Would you give yourself peace !
Thursday, 4 December 2008
What did I do ?
Just to say a huge thank you to all who took the time to check if The Beautiful Son was ok after the hoo haa with the stolen bike, a big thanks to all who commented, emailed, texted and rang me, we really did appreciate it , ta muchly.
On Tuesday night in the midst of all the hoohaa over the stolen bike I was texted my friend Anne to tell her about TBS and she was texting me at the same time with this joke ! How strange was that ?
The joke said
If you saw me in the back of a police car, what crime do you think I'd have been arrested for ? reply to me and pass on.
So I sent this out to 10 people and their replies ?
My friend Vandana was worried about me and texted back immediately to check I was okay and Rob texted back that it was a very strange message. So 2 confused people.
My dear friends Sarah and Susan both thought that it could only mean I was helping the police or I'd broken down and needed a lift home, they couldn't imagine I'd done anything wrong.
My Eldest Beautiful Daughter thought I'd been sticking up for the underdog and had protested too much.
My sister thought that men got distracted by my bouncing bosoms when I was running and I had caused a car crash
My lovely Sixy thought it'd be drunk and disorderly.
My colleague thought I'd lost the plot and had done in my year 12's
Someone who knows me too well said drunk and disorderly or drug possession, thanks for that, again, my mother's so proud
and
1 friend, you know who you are, said it was for and I quote "Blow job in a public car park"
Quite,
So, a split down the middle mixture of good girl and bad girl, fair comment really.
ps - For the record, I am never disorderly when I'm drunk, I'm flirty then I'm asleep, there may be occasions when you have to hold my hair back but that's as bad as it gets, honest !
On Tuesday night in the midst of all the hoohaa over the stolen bike I was texted my friend Anne to tell her about TBS and she was texting me at the same time with this joke ! How strange was that ?
The joke said
If you saw me in the back of a police car, what crime do you think I'd have been arrested for ? reply to me and pass on.
So I sent this out to 10 people and their replies ?
My friend Vandana was worried about me and texted back immediately to check I was okay and Rob texted back that it was a very strange message. So 2 confused people.
My dear friends Sarah and Susan both thought that it could only mean I was helping the police or I'd broken down and needed a lift home, they couldn't imagine I'd done anything wrong.
My Eldest Beautiful Daughter thought I'd been sticking up for the underdog and had protested too much.
My sister thought that men got distracted by my bouncing bosoms when I was running and I had caused a car crash
My lovely Sixy thought it'd be drunk and disorderly.
My colleague thought I'd lost the plot and had done in my year 12's
Someone who knows me too well said drunk and disorderly or drug possession, thanks for that, again, my mother's so proud
and
1 friend, you know who you are, said it was for and I quote "Blow job in a public car park"
Quite,
So, a split down the middle mixture of good girl and bad girl, fair comment really.
ps - For the record, I am never disorderly when I'm drunk, I'm flirty then I'm asleep, there may be occasions when you have to hold my hair back but that's as bad as it gets, honest !
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
Crime and Punishment
The Beautiful Son has a paper round where he delivers 24 papers 6 days a week for the princely sum of £9, yep that's right in rain, hail and snow he delivers for the grand sum of £1.50 per day, it takes him about an hour.
Yesterday as normal, he left his bike outside the shop and in the 90 seconds it took him to collect his bag, someone nicked his bike. There is nowhere to chain a bike too so all the paperboys just leave them leaning against the shop window. So my uncomplaining wee scone did his round on foot and arrived home ashen faced and very trembly wondering what had happened. He pondered a few scenarios and they were as followed
a - one of his mates had ridden it home for a joke
b - that he had lost it !
c - that it had been stolen
In a way I'm glad he has that naivety still, he kept asking me, how people could do that, he couldn't comprehend that people take things that belong to other people. He wondered what their parents would say when they came home with an extra bike. His last comment was that he didn't know how they could sleep at night.
The worst part of this for him was that it was his good mate Ollie's bike that had been stolen, my son's bike had had a puncture and his mate had very kindly lent him his bike, so my wee scone now has to tell his good mate that his bike's been stolen. My son couldn't eat his tea, he was meant to go to a party last night and just couldn't face it, we went round to his friends house to tell them but no one was in, so TBS just got more and more fretful and worked up about this.
When we did tell Ollie and his Mum, they couldn't have been kinder or more understanding, they were so reassuring to TBS that it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't a bike Ollie uses much, he'd outgrown it but still we felt badly and obviously Gordon and I have offered to pay any insurance excess or replace the bike for Ollie, as I say Ollie and his parents have been so understanding about this.
The horrible thing is that despite the CCTV in the shop they are unlikely to be caught and they will probably just mess about and wreck Ollies bike. What a waste. Why do they do this ? What makes them take things that don't belong to them ? People work hard to give their children nice things , what gives anyone the right to take what's not their's ? I grew up in a council estate in Glasgow, no one had pots of money and I'm sure I would have loved a new bike but I would never have taken someone elses because I knew it was stealing and I knew it was wrong. My kids know right from wrong, why don't others ? Do people think it's worth breaking the law because it's likely they'll just be told off and some Guardian reading probation officer will put it down to bad parenting and deprivation, bollocks to that, stealing is wrong and everyone knows that.
I phoned the police to report this and they were terribly nice, the lady I spoke to asked me if my son was hurt and I was slightly puzzled for a minute and then I realised that sometimes kids bikes are taken from them forcefully, and thankfully he wasn't and she also asked me if I had reported a crime to the police in the last 12 months and I truthfully said that I had never reported a crime in my whole life and she said " You're very fortunate in that and probably quite unusual"
And I very probably am, my children have grown up in this nice middle class bubble where a lot of the nastier stuff in life hasn't managed to penetrate. I wonder now if when they leave me to live in the less protected world where there are muggings and violence, will they be able for it ?
Yesterday as normal, he left his bike outside the shop and in the 90 seconds it took him to collect his bag, someone nicked his bike. There is nowhere to chain a bike too so all the paperboys just leave them leaning against the shop window. So my uncomplaining wee scone did his round on foot and arrived home ashen faced and very trembly wondering what had happened. He pondered a few scenarios and they were as followed
a - one of his mates had ridden it home for a joke
b - that he had lost it !
c - that it had been stolen
In a way I'm glad he has that naivety still, he kept asking me, how people could do that, he couldn't comprehend that people take things that belong to other people. He wondered what their parents would say when they came home with an extra bike. His last comment was that he didn't know how they could sleep at night.
The worst part of this for him was that it was his good mate Ollie's bike that had been stolen, my son's bike had had a puncture and his mate had very kindly lent him his bike, so my wee scone now has to tell his good mate that his bike's been stolen. My son couldn't eat his tea, he was meant to go to a party last night and just couldn't face it, we went round to his friends house to tell them but no one was in, so TBS just got more and more fretful and worked up about this.
When we did tell Ollie and his Mum, they couldn't have been kinder or more understanding, they were so reassuring to TBS that it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't a bike Ollie uses much, he'd outgrown it but still we felt badly and obviously Gordon and I have offered to pay any insurance excess or replace the bike for Ollie, as I say Ollie and his parents have been so understanding about this.
The horrible thing is that despite the CCTV in the shop they are unlikely to be caught and they will probably just mess about and wreck Ollies bike. What a waste. Why do they do this ? What makes them take things that don't belong to them ? People work hard to give their children nice things , what gives anyone the right to take what's not their's ? I grew up in a council estate in Glasgow, no one had pots of money and I'm sure I would have loved a new bike but I would never have taken someone elses because I knew it was stealing and I knew it was wrong. My kids know right from wrong, why don't others ? Do people think it's worth breaking the law because it's likely they'll just be told off and some Guardian reading probation officer will put it down to bad parenting and deprivation, bollocks to that, stealing is wrong and everyone knows that.
I phoned the police to report this and they were terribly nice, the lady I spoke to asked me if my son was hurt and I was slightly puzzled for a minute and then I realised that sometimes kids bikes are taken from them forcefully, and thankfully he wasn't and she also asked me if I had reported a crime to the police in the last 12 months and I truthfully said that I had never reported a crime in my whole life and she said " You're very fortunate in that and probably quite unusual"
And I very probably am, my children have grown up in this nice middle class bubble where a lot of the nastier stuff in life hasn't managed to penetrate. I wonder now if when they leave me to live in the less protected world where there are muggings and violence, will they be able for it ?
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Happy St Andrews Day
Murrayfield on 08.03.08.
This is my country,
The land that begat me,
These windy spaces
Are surely my own.
And those who toil here
In the sweat of their faces
Are flesh of my flesh
And bone of my bone.
Sir Alexander Gray
I would like to wish you a very Happy St Andrew's day. I love the fact that American's celebrate their 4th July and Irish people love their St Patrick's day. We should do more to celebrate our days and I beleive that in Scotland Nov 30th is now a discretionary bank Holiday.
This is my 8th St Andrews day not spent in Scotland. When I lived there I didn't think about my cultural identity much if at all, if on holiday I was asked what nationality I was I would say I was British, now I would always say I'm Scottish. Billy Connolly once said that the further away from Scotland people got the more Scottish they became and that is definitely true of me, I am trying so hard to keep my connection to my homeland. My children have lived more of their life in England than Scotland and I am pleased that they still sound Scottish, even Beautiful Baby Daughter who was only 3 and 1/2 when we moved here, but they are also proud of their Mother Country and very much see themselves as Scots.
I am so proud to be from my country and even if given a choice would always and forever choose to be a Scot. My tiny little country with only 5 million people in it has given so much to the world, not just pleasurable stuff like whisky and golf but really important life saving stuff like penicillin, anaesthetics and antisepsis. We also invented the telephone and the television, tarmac. the bicycle, we invented radar, the steam engine, sociology and even the adhesive postage stamp, I could go on but you'd think I was just showing off and that is the cardinal sin if you're Scottish, we hate people who blow their own trumpet, understating and self deprecating is our favourite kind of humour.On the subject of humour, I couldn't possibly leave out the man who makes me howl with laughter and who I have had on my CSL for the last 25 years could I ?
So today, if you are lucky enough to be in God's Own Country, take a look around and be grateful that you are in the place I love the most. My connection is primitive and instinctive, it's a deep and profound love and my beloved Scotland is my heart, mo chridhe. The chorus of Scotland the Brave is
Land of the purple heather
Land of the shining river
Land of my heart forever
Scotland the Brave
Alba an Aigh
Friday, 28 November 2008
What ever happened to Rock n Roll ?
Last night we had tickets to see Primal Scream. Gig buddy is working in London and had to drive all the way up to Nottingham.
I send a text enquiring when Primal Scream would be on and Gig Buddy reckoned around 9.30 pm, Glasvegas came on just after 9 and Gig Buddy had to wait till quarter to 10 to see the Kaisers so we now think this is do able as Gig Buddy has A Very Important Job and is A Very Important Person so has to set an example and not skive off early to go to gigs with me.
We arrange to meet just off the motorway and drive the last hour in one car, poor Gig Buddy, we go in my car, driving is not a major thing in my skill set, I'm fairly crap to be truthful. So after a fairly speedy drive, we arrive at 9.25pm, we park my car and as we reach Rock City we can hear good old Bobby belting out "Rocks" which is my very favourite Primal song, so I skip up the steps and into Rock City, we find a spot and proceed to jig aboot getting our rocks off just as Bobby ends the song and thanks us for being a great audience
WHAT THE F*CK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The look on Gig Buddy's face is PRICELESS, we have missed the gig, all the huge amount of effort, them coming from London, me getting my beloved and saintly colleague Anne to finish my parents evening for me so I can skive off early and we arrive just in time for the end.
Gig Buddy asks the guy next to us what time they came on and we're told 8.30 pm ! What kind of rock n roll band start at half eight and finish at half nine ? A feckin old one, that's who. Gig Buddy immediately starts their trade mark whistle and whoop, which is incredibly loud and Primal return and play for another 4 songs, all of which were fab.
So still absolutely incredulous but completely able to see the funny side of this, we go to the Lace Market and into a very nice pub where we drink and Gig Buddy does the maths that I am so fond of, the well, they would have played some new songs we didn't know, they would have played some stuff we didn't like and we liked all the songs they did play so we reckon that 4 and a half songs for £50 is quite good value for money really. We did agree it was sad we didn't hear "Jailbird" which is Gig Buddy's fave Primal song.
On the way back to the car, we duck down an alley and Gig Buddy makes us a smoke, just for a huge security light to come on, so we go to the car park and there at midnight we smoke, we laugh, we get slightly loaded and have a good time, I get home after 1, Gig Buddy gets back just before 3, now that's what I call Rock n Roll.
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
A very Happy Thanksgiving to all my lovely American friends and to any non American friends today.
Eating yourself asleep and being thankful for your life seems like my kinda holiday.
I am thankful as always for my loved ones and my life but today I am especially thankful as tonight...
We're gonna get loaded and have a good time and we're going to get our (middle aged) rocks off at a gig tonight.
Want to guess who we're going to see ?
Eating yourself asleep and being thankful for your life seems like my kinda holiday.
I am thankful as always for my loved ones and my life but today I am especially thankful as tonight...
We're gonna get loaded and have a good time and we're going to get our (middle aged) rocks off at a gig tonight.
Want to guess who we're going to see ?
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Duchess of Dichotomy
I am a complete creature of opposites and I always have been. At school I was a prefect despite being a punk, I have a huge bad girl/good girl fight going on inside me, I would always prefer to be rebellious but I would be scared to break the law.
I am very squeamish despite having been a nurse for 15 years, I can never watch operations or babies being born on TV yet have functioned effectively in those situations in real life. At work I was extremely patient and empathetic but at home I have no time or patience for illness, I am THE most unsympathetic Mummy ever.
I cannot watch violence of any kind yet I read (and enjoy muchly) the most gruesome and graphic crime novels but only if they are fictitious. I cannot and will never read a misery memoir.
I adore cleanliness and tidyness but I live in constant mess.
I love eating but cannot cook.
I an a lazy bag and suffer hugely from "can't be arsedness" but have a huge Calvinistic work ethic, if work is going easily I'm not proud of what I'm achieving, an "I've had a go" piece of work produced with the really difficult students who give you hardly anything means a lot to me, because we've really worked for it.
In my head I am an Indie rock and roll chick, going to gigs, loving being out late, enjoying an adult life and I would love to be something cool, like a writer or a designer but in reality I am a middle aged mummy of 3 who is a teacher, can you think of a more boringly normal job than that ? It's just not how I want the world to see me
I absolutely love mush, the more the better but only if it's real. I don't like and never listen to love songs, I hate romantic fiction and I avoid watching romantic comedies. I truly love to hear of friends romantic encounters, it doesn't have to be directed at me but if it is, auntiegwen's happiness monitor goes into overdrive. I will soak it up, nothing makes me happier, all the darlings, I miss you's and I love you's are Nirvana to me. A romantic gesture is definitely the key to my heart, do I ever make romantic gestures myself ? That would be a no !
I have 2 old mobile phones on which I have kept all the lovely messages I have been sent and I would never delete them, I also keep emails and yet the only real love letter I ever got, which was a marriage proposal I threw out, he proposed to me on a cheque, on the front it said pay Miss my real name , 1 million kisses and on the back it said " Will you marry me ? "
and I threw it out, a proper love letter, a feckin marriage proposal and I threw it away like it was rubbish, can you believe that ? Mush Queen threw it out.
I have a blog and people read about my life but I am incredibly private and can even be secretive. As a rule of thumb, when I am blogging the lighter and fluffier I try to make it, the harder my real life is. If I post a really raw and honest this is how things really are post, I am compelled to remove it, usually within a few hours. I cannot, even in this really positive environment, seem to say, my life is shit, send me some support, yet I hope when others are struggling I will try and say something helpful to them.
In my relationships I am so open and honest, I have been described as brutally candid, yet in the very few significant relationships I have had, I have picked and loved men who keep their feelings to themselves, to say they play their cards close to their chest would be the understatement of the Millenium. The man I married would rather have cut his left bollock off than talk to me. The men I have been really involved with have had huge trust issues but I have never been unfaithful, they have been but I haven't.
So there you have it, I can be as wild as the heather but with a gentle and true heart, a receiver of romance but a giver of support, brutally candid myself but choose introspection in others, in the polite version a creature of extremes. In the more realistic version, weird.
I am very squeamish despite having been a nurse for 15 years, I can never watch operations or babies being born on TV yet have functioned effectively in those situations in real life. At work I was extremely patient and empathetic but at home I have no time or patience for illness, I am THE most unsympathetic Mummy ever.
I cannot watch violence of any kind yet I read (and enjoy muchly) the most gruesome and graphic crime novels but only if they are fictitious. I cannot and will never read a misery memoir.
I adore cleanliness and tidyness but I live in constant mess.
I love eating but cannot cook.
I an a lazy bag and suffer hugely from "can't be arsedness" but have a huge Calvinistic work ethic, if work is going easily I'm not proud of what I'm achieving, an "I've had a go" piece of work produced with the really difficult students who give you hardly anything means a lot to me, because we've really worked for it.
In my head I am an Indie rock and roll chick, going to gigs, loving being out late, enjoying an adult life and I would love to be something cool, like a writer or a designer but in reality I am a middle aged mummy of 3 who is a teacher, can you think of a more boringly normal job than that ? It's just not how I want the world to see me
I absolutely love mush, the more the better but only if it's real. I don't like and never listen to love songs, I hate romantic fiction and I avoid watching romantic comedies. I truly love to hear of friends romantic encounters, it doesn't have to be directed at me but if it is, auntiegwen's happiness monitor goes into overdrive. I will soak it up, nothing makes me happier, all the darlings, I miss you's and I love you's are Nirvana to me. A romantic gesture is definitely the key to my heart, do I ever make romantic gestures myself ? That would be a no !
I have 2 old mobile phones on which I have kept all the lovely messages I have been sent and I would never delete them, I also keep emails and yet the only real love letter I ever got, which was a marriage proposal I threw out, he proposed to me on a cheque, on the front it said pay Miss my real name , 1 million kisses and on the back it said " Will you marry me ? "
and I threw it out, a proper love letter, a feckin marriage proposal and I threw it away like it was rubbish, can you believe that ? Mush Queen threw it out.
I have a blog and people read about my life but I am incredibly private and can even be secretive. As a rule of thumb, when I am blogging the lighter and fluffier I try to make it, the harder my real life is. If I post a really raw and honest this is how things really are post, I am compelled to remove it, usually within a few hours. I cannot, even in this really positive environment, seem to say, my life is shit, send me some support, yet I hope when others are struggling I will try and say something helpful to them.
In my relationships I am so open and honest, I have been described as brutally candid, yet in the very few significant relationships I have had, I have picked and loved men who keep their feelings to themselves, to say they play their cards close to their chest would be the understatement of the Millenium. The man I married would rather have cut his left bollock off than talk to me. The men I have been really involved with have had huge trust issues but I have never been unfaithful, they have been but I haven't.
So there you have it, I can be as wild as the heather but with a gentle and true heart, a receiver of romance but a giver of support, brutally candid myself but choose introspection in others, in the polite version a creature of extremes. In the more realistic version, weird.
Sunday, 23 November 2008
What goes on in their heads ?
Beautiful Baby Daughter
Can I have a hamster ?
no
Can I have a dog ?
no
Can I have a rabbit ?
no
You ARE a remarkably mean Mummy
Beautiful Eldest Daughter
Would my life have been different if I was Chinese ?
yes
Would you still love me if I was a mouse ?
no
Can I have 2 wee fencer men to fight a dual over me ?
probably not
The Beautiful Son
It might be ok if you get married again
you've changed your tune
Well, if it was a cool person
what would make him cool ?
If he rode a motor bike
okay
And he gave me money
how much money ?
£1.50 a day
So, gentlemen what are you waiting for ? For the grand total of £1.50 a day and obviously the outlay on the bike, a lifetime of married bliss with auntiegwen and her deranged weans await you !
I bet you can't wait ...
Can I have a hamster ?
no
Can I have a dog ?
no
Can I have a rabbit ?
no
You ARE a remarkably mean Mummy
Beautiful Eldest Daughter
Would my life have been different if I was Chinese ?
yes
Would you still love me if I was a mouse ?
no
Can I have 2 wee fencer men to fight a dual over me ?
probably not
The Beautiful Son
It might be ok if you get married again
you've changed your tune
Well, if it was a cool person
what would make him cool ?
If he rode a motor bike
okay
And he gave me money
how much money ?
£1.50 a day
So, gentlemen what are you waiting for ? For the grand total of £1.50 a day and obviously the outlay on the bike, a lifetime of married bliss with auntiegwen and her deranged weans await you !
I bet you can't wait ...
Friday, 21 November 2008
My new addiction
As I am an extremely nosey person, seriously my need to know things is ferocious, I am greatly surprised it took me so long to investigate this. Probably my lack of techfeckinology played a part.
When I blog stuff, in my head I think I am read only by the people who comment, except for a couple of people, who always text or email me about what I've written and maybe another few who stumble in via the black box, is anybody else still doing that ? nope, just me ? it brought me back to myself the other day, it also very very often sends me to a deeply devoted Christian wife of a pastor in America, who has a campaign about fighting for marriage, if she gets brought to me, I'm sure she will despair of my post marriage excitement, poor girl will have to have a lie down.
Any hoo, I digress, I've got a wee thingy that tells you who's been visiting, no not by name, although I'd love that, just how many people, where they're from and it can tell you if they used a search engine, what phrase they looked for that brought them to you.
So, in 3 weeks my main page has been read 1484 times, seriously, 1484, most of you are British, followed by American but I have been visited from people all over the world, some even come back ! How gas is that ?
77.20% United Kingdom
14.00% United States
2.00% Saudi Arabia
1.60% Australia
1.20% France
1.20% Canada
0.60% Germany
0.60% Ireland
0.40% New Zealand
0.40% Argentina
0.20% China
0.20% Denmark
0.20% Spain
0.20% Cyprus
I love the search engine phrases
Search Term
24.44% auntie gwen blogspot
17.78% auntiegwensdiary
6.67% tell offs
4.44% i'm sorry i was late well i missed the train
4.44% cool clothes for 50 something women
4.44% mansecat
2.22% cuss words comebacks
2.22% auntie gwen
2.22% auntiegwen blog glasgow
2.22% tell offs
2.22% crocsareugly
2.22% curse word come backs
2.22% milf teachers
2.22% comebacks with swearing
2.22% comebacks to tell someone off
2.22% irish swear words
2.22% she drunken called me 2am dating
2.22% AAWH
2.22% curse word comebacks
2.22% it god auntiegwen
2.22% good comebacks with bad words
2.22% 7 things before i die tag
2.22% good friend tell offs comebacks
100.00%
The thing I found the most interesting is that most people who pop in are actually looking for their auntie, thank you, your auntie's always pleased to see you.
The first week was all people looking for me, milfs and I believe "actual shagging", curse words and Scottish sweary words.
Week 2 again was me, milfs, cursewords and a "drunken salmon Gwen" the mind boggles.
This week, there were a few I didn't begin to understand, for example why some poor reader was firstly searching for
"I'm sorry I was late, well I missed the train" and secondly why that brought them here, I don't think that's a phrase I've even said let alone typed !
" Cool clothes for 50 something women" well, excuse me, I'm only fortyfeckintwo! Would you give yourself peace !
"mansecat" nope, not a baldy (Glaswegian for a clue)
"drunken 2 am calling, dating" I have been known for the late night drunken flirty texting and I have on 1 and 1 occasion only called at 2.30 am to let someone know how very drunk I was, he described it as cute and melancholy
But Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, I seem to be the Miss Potty Mouth of the internet, if you are looking for curses, tell offs and come backs as apparently 26.65% ( I added it up, and checked it, I know I'm a sad article) of you visitors who searched the internet and found me are, I apparently am Queen of the smart arse retort.
Is Google's perception of me as a 50 something, late night calling, potty mouthed wisecracker true ?
My mother would be so proud !
When I blog stuff, in my head I think I am read only by the people who comment, except for a couple of people, who always text or email me about what I've written and maybe another few who stumble in via the black box, is anybody else still doing that ? nope, just me ? it brought me back to myself the other day, it also very very often sends me to a deeply devoted Christian wife of a pastor in America, who has a campaign about fighting for marriage, if she gets brought to me, I'm sure she will despair of my post marriage excitement, poor girl will have to have a lie down.
Any hoo, I digress, I've got a wee thingy that tells you who's been visiting, no not by name, although I'd love that, just how many people, where they're from and it can tell you if they used a search engine, what phrase they looked for that brought them to you.
So, in 3 weeks my main page has been read 1484 times, seriously, 1484, most of you are British, followed by American but I have been visited from people all over the world, some even come back ! How gas is that ?
77.20% United Kingdom
14.00% United States
2.00% Saudi Arabia
1.60% Australia
1.20% France
1.20% Canada
0.60% Germany
0.60% Ireland
0.40% New Zealand
0.40% Argentina
0.20% China
0.20% Denmark
0.20% Spain
0.20% Cyprus
I love the search engine phrases
Search Term
24.44% auntie gwen blogspot
17.78% auntiegwensdiary
6.67% tell offs
4.44% i'm sorry i was late well i missed the train
4.44% cool clothes for 50 something women
4.44% mansecat
2.22% cuss words comebacks
2.22% auntie gwen
2.22% auntiegwen blog glasgow
2.22% tell offs
2.22% crocsareugly
2.22% curse word come backs
2.22% milf teachers
2.22% comebacks with swearing
2.22% comebacks to tell someone off
2.22% irish swear words
2.22% she drunken called me 2am dating
2.22% AAWH
2.22% curse word comebacks
2.22% it god auntiegwen
2.22% good comebacks with bad words
2.22% 7 things before i die tag
2.22% good friend tell offs comebacks
100.00%
The thing I found the most interesting is that most people who pop in are actually looking for their auntie, thank you, your auntie's always pleased to see you.
The first week was all people looking for me, milfs and I believe "actual shagging", curse words and Scottish sweary words.
Week 2 again was me, milfs, cursewords and a "drunken salmon Gwen" the mind boggles.
This week, there were a few I didn't begin to understand, for example why some poor reader was firstly searching for
"I'm sorry I was late, well I missed the train" and secondly why that brought them here, I don't think that's a phrase I've even said let alone typed !
" Cool clothes for 50 something women" well, excuse me, I'm only fortyfeckintwo! Would you give yourself peace !
"mansecat" nope, not a baldy (Glaswegian for a clue)
"drunken 2 am calling, dating" I have been known for the late night drunken flirty texting and I have on 1 and 1 occasion only called at 2.30 am to let someone know how very drunk I was, he described it as cute and melancholy
But Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph, I seem to be the Miss Potty Mouth of the internet, if you are looking for curses, tell offs and come backs as apparently 26.65% ( I added it up, and checked it, I know I'm a sad article) of you visitors who searched the internet and found me are, I apparently am Queen of the smart arse retort.
Is Google's perception of me as a 50 something, late night calling, potty mouthed wisecracker true ?
My mother would be so proud !
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
All attempts to make that child normal have failed utterly
A quote, if you please from The Beautiful Son's form teacher.
TBS exasperates a fair few of his teachers, he is one of those kids who is tremendously difficult to motivate, he cannot be enticed to study for tests, he views them as a reflection of what he knows on the day, he has this weird notion that revising is somehow cheating. Not helpful as he is in year 9 and will have his SATS to do. None of the if you work a wee bit harder you'll go up a grade, he cares not a jot what grade he gets, he will ask quite seriously what difference it will make if he gets a grade 7 rather than a 6, now Beautiful Baby Daughter will work her wee socks of to be top of the class, that would make her wee cup of happiness overflow but himself wouldn't give a curdie if he was first or last. Eldest Beautiful Daughter isn't as motivated as BBD but will work hard enough to get what she wants.
At school yesterday he got into trouble in an ICT lesson, he had to make a wee animated person dance and have spot lights flashing on them in time to music. Himself took it a wee step further and animated Osama Bin Laden and had him disco dancing accompanied by lights a flashing. This pleased his teacher not and he had to change it, sense of humour failure perhaps ?
Last night at home he had a tea towel tied round his neck and either pulled it up round his face pretending to be a terrorist or had it pulled over his head like a scarf pretending to be Mother Teresa, complete with accents. I used to be a terrorist but I saw the light.
He has a whole repertoire of funny walks and funny accents and he has me in stitches most of the time but he has an empathy that many adults would do well to emulate.
So Miss Hall, I don't give a flying feck that you can't get the measure of my son and you just see the class clown, I don't want him to be like everybody else, I love him just the way he is and I hope he NEVER conforms.
So for Christmas I am going to get him a T shirt printed on the front with
"All attempts to make this child normal have failed utterly"
and on the back
a dancing Osama Bin Laden.
And on every non uniform day, he's going to wear it to school.
I don't know where he gets his subversiveness from, do you ?
TBS exasperates a fair few of his teachers, he is one of those kids who is tremendously difficult to motivate, he cannot be enticed to study for tests, he views them as a reflection of what he knows on the day, he has this weird notion that revising is somehow cheating. Not helpful as he is in year 9 and will have his SATS to do. None of the if you work a wee bit harder you'll go up a grade, he cares not a jot what grade he gets, he will ask quite seriously what difference it will make if he gets a grade 7 rather than a 6, now Beautiful Baby Daughter will work her wee socks of to be top of the class, that would make her wee cup of happiness overflow but himself wouldn't give a curdie if he was first or last. Eldest Beautiful Daughter isn't as motivated as BBD but will work hard enough to get what she wants.
At school yesterday he got into trouble in an ICT lesson, he had to make a wee animated person dance and have spot lights flashing on them in time to music. Himself took it a wee step further and animated Osama Bin Laden and had him disco dancing accompanied by lights a flashing. This pleased his teacher not and he had to change it, sense of humour failure perhaps ?
Last night at home he had a tea towel tied round his neck and either pulled it up round his face pretending to be a terrorist or had it pulled over his head like a scarf pretending to be Mother Teresa, complete with accents. I used to be a terrorist but I saw the light.
He has a whole repertoire of funny walks and funny accents and he has me in stitches most of the time but he has an empathy that many adults would do well to emulate.
So Miss Hall, I don't give a flying feck that you can't get the measure of my son and you just see the class clown, I don't want him to be like everybody else, I love him just the way he is and I hope he NEVER conforms.
So for Christmas I am going to get him a T shirt printed on the front with
"All attempts to make this child normal have failed utterly"
and on the back
a dancing Osama Bin Laden.
And on every non uniform day, he's going to wear it to school.
I don't know where he gets his subversiveness from, do you ?
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Horoscope Shmoroscope part 2
Ok so on Wednesday I told you about my foretold "intense romantic encounter" and if you read the comments of that post, it will tell you of the most romantic thing that happened to me that day.
I am a wee bitty sad in that I do actually read my horoscope every day, I like Russell Grant's one as he's on my Tiscali homepage, so I read Leo every day for me, I read Virgo, and EBD is Pisces and I have to add Cancer for Note Bene. I really do want to believe in this, I would love to have my fortune told or my tarot cards read again.
When I was 16 I had my Tarot read and the woman told me she could see me marrying a tall dark haired man and she saw him surrounded by money. The man I married worked for a bank, so he was surrounded by it, it just wasn't his. She told me I'd own a house abroad ( we do, a villa in Turkey) and she told me I would mourn a baby I didn't have ( I do and will always to my dying day, that baby would have been 15 this month) and that I would marry twice (maybe not beyond the realms of possibilty???). This kinda set the belief in me, also that my mother and sister really really believe, it makes my Dad snort with laughter.
So, back to my wee sad obsession, and the great want to believe. This month it said on the 13th I would be offered a lucrative work assignment and I was, so nah nah nah nah nah to the unbelievers.
But today's gem....
All's fair in love and war, at least as far as you're concerned. Competing for someone's affection proves an exciting challenge. Fortunately, you have enough charm and sex appeal to prevail. Be sure to dress to impress. If you already have a lover, take this opportunity to spice up your sex life. Acting out your fantasies will prove exhilarating. Role playing is also fun. Don't assume your amour won't be up for it. You will never know unless you ask.
Okay, I had only planned on doing the usual lesson planning, marking, visit to Gap and then a bit of ironing but as I'm so absolutely smokin hot, the good knickers will be back on (fortunately I have a ferocious selection of lingerie) and maybe it's even time for the sexy black stiletto boots, hell, let's bring the big guns out and I'll ask ...
Are you excited or afraid ?
I am a wee bitty sad in that I do actually read my horoscope every day, I like Russell Grant's one as he's on my Tiscali homepage, so I read Leo every day for me, I read Virgo, and EBD is Pisces and I have to add Cancer for Note Bene. I really do want to believe in this, I would love to have my fortune told or my tarot cards read again.
When I was 16 I had my Tarot read and the woman told me she could see me marrying a tall dark haired man and she saw him surrounded by money. The man I married worked for a bank, so he was surrounded by it, it just wasn't his. She told me I'd own a house abroad ( we do, a villa in Turkey) and she told me I would mourn a baby I didn't have ( I do and will always to my dying day, that baby would have been 15 this month) and that I would marry twice (maybe not beyond the realms of possibilty???). This kinda set the belief in me, also that my mother and sister really really believe, it makes my Dad snort with laughter.
So, back to my wee sad obsession, and the great want to believe. This month it said on the 13th I would be offered a lucrative work assignment and I was, so nah nah nah nah nah to the unbelievers.
But today's gem....
All's fair in love and war, at least as far as you're concerned. Competing for someone's affection proves an exciting challenge. Fortunately, you have enough charm and sex appeal to prevail. Be sure to dress to impress. If you already have a lover, take this opportunity to spice up your sex life. Acting out your fantasies will prove exhilarating. Role playing is also fun. Don't assume your amour won't be up for it. You will never know unless you ask.
Okay, I had only planned on doing the usual lesson planning, marking, visit to Gap and then a bit of ironing but as I'm so absolutely smokin hot, the good knickers will be back on (fortunately I have a ferocious selection of lingerie) and maybe it's even time for the sexy black stiletto boots, hell, let's bring the big guns out and I'll ask ...
Are you excited or afraid ?
Friday, 14 November 2008
Normal Service has resumed
Apologies to the poor readers who popped in this morning to find a woe is me type post.
I have now read 3 chapters of my new Maeve Binchy " Heart and Soul" had a bowl of lowfat custard and a very full fat Marks and Spencer sticky toffee pudding and I'm feeling much more like myself.
Maybe I should patent this as a cure for the glums ?
So the auld rip has gone and normal middleaged Pollayanna service has resumed !
I have now read 3 chapters of my new Maeve Binchy " Heart and Soul" had a bowl of lowfat custard and a very full fat Marks and Spencer sticky toffee pudding and I'm feeling much more like myself.
Maybe I should patent this as a cure for the glums ?
So the auld rip has gone and normal middleaged Pollayanna service has resumed !
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Horoscope shmoroscope
My horoscope for today says
Winning someone's heart is as easy as crooking your finger at someone sexy. They'll be willing to move heaven and earth on your behalf. If you are in a relationship, this would be a wonderful time to plan a romantic holiday with your amour. Getting engaged or married is another possibility.
My horoscope for the week says says "An intense romantic encounter makes you feel like you're walking on air on the 12th.
Whoop whoop, that's the auntiegwen happy noise, I could do with a bit of excitement to cheer up a very dull Wednesday. Bring it on.
I wonder if this very what splendid event will take place
a during the day when I am supposed to be cleaning the house
b whilst I am taking The Beautiful Son to rugby practice
or
c when I put the bins out before I go to bed
I'm going to be all of a jitter the whole damn day now, constantly alert for this promised mush fest.
Well if there's that much excitement coming my way, maybe I'd better rethink my current attire of
1 Marks and Spencer blue nightie emblazoned with the slogan " I'm usually gorgeous but it's my day off"
1 Black Vans hoodie ( The Beautiful Sons, I was feeling a bit chilly )
1 pair of trackie bottoms (what, it's cold)
1 pair of daughters Ugg boots ( would you give yourself peace, I'm only cleaning the house today )
Okay, fair play if I'm going to have an "intense romantic encounter" I'll go shower and change, I'll even put my good knickers on ( just in case, you never know ! )
Winning someone's heart is as easy as crooking your finger at someone sexy. They'll be willing to move heaven and earth on your behalf. If you are in a relationship, this would be a wonderful time to plan a romantic holiday with your amour. Getting engaged or married is another possibility.
My horoscope for the week says says "An intense romantic encounter makes you feel like you're walking on air on the 12th.
Whoop whoop, that's the auntiegwen happy noise, I could do with a bit of excitement to cheer up a very dull Wednesday. Bring it on.
I wonder if this very what splendid event will take place
a during the day when I am supposed to be cleaning the house
b whilst I am taking The Beautiful Son to rugby practice
or
c when I put the bins out before I go to bed
I'm going to be all of a jitter the whole damn day now, constantly alert for this promised mush fest.
Well if there's that much excitement coming my way, maybe I'd better rethink my current attire of
1 Marks and Spencer blue nightie emblazoned with the slogan " I'm usually gorgeous but it's my day off"
1 Black Vans hoodie ( The Beautiful Sons, I was feeling a bit chilly )
1 pair of trackie bottoms (what, it's cold)
1 pair of daughters Ugg boots ( would you give yourself peace, I'm only cleaning the house today )
Okay, fair play if I'm going to have an "intense romantic encounter" I'll go shower and change, I'll even put my good knickers on ( just in case, you never know ! )
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Drunkety, drunk, drunk...again, a tale in 2 parts
Part 1
A few months ago in a town just like yours there was a girly night out. An assortment of 30 and 40 something women were celebrating our good friend's birthday. In a bar, my friend was chatting up this bloke who was quite drunk but fair play to her, she liked him and she wasn't being deterred. I'm very sober and I was kind of on the periphery of this conversation and when she went to the bar he turned to me and gazed straight into my eyes (yes, he indeedily did, gazed is the very word for it) and said in tones that were quite reverential...
"You're beautiful" and then again "You are really beautiful" To emphasise his point he made his friend tell me that when I walked in he told the friend "That girl is beautiful" So the poor sober friend had to back up this story and when my friend came back from the bar and he turned to her and said " Your friend is beautiful" which didn't please her mightily if truth be told.
Now your auntie has had few romantic encounters in her life (oh, don't feel sorry for me, the ones I've had have been top notch, quality over quantity and all that) but the men I have had romantic encounters with have not been the most forthcoming with the compliments or the mush. Which is a shame as I respond very favourably to mush.
So here I am in a bar and a tall dark handsome stranger is telling me I'm beautiful and he then goes on with the compliments likening me to Andrea Corr. My friend at this point is getting Mr "You're beautiful" 's number put into her phone (she can't see without her glasses) by the sober friend who's thinking this is great craic to give the number to the wrong girl. We're still on the " You're beautiful" but this has been joined by " You're nothing like my type, I usually go for big blondes but you are simply ..." and the big crowd of women chime in "beautiful, yes, we know, she's beautiful"
What thinketh your auntie at this point ? Well, it's very flattering really but I kind of got the vibe he was a player, what kind of man goes around telling middle aged women they're beautiful ? One that wants emptied, methinks and I'm quite happy with what I've got thanks and I am so not going to get into an argy bargy with a friend over a bloke. So I persuade friend to go home but in the cab on the way home she calls him and sets up a date.
Intermission
The man and my friend have 4 dates, that's the polite way of saying it. So all of the evening I get the "You're beautiful " and she gets the man.
Part 2
Last night in another bar in another part of town I am getting served, I'm 1 glass of the pink fizzy and I glass of the red down so it's fair to say your auntie was feeling quite squiffy. I turn around and a tall dark handsome man says " It's you isn't it ? " I agree as I wasn't that squiffy and I knew that I was indeed, myself. The man turns to his friends and says "It's the beautiful girl, you know the one, the beautiful girl, she's here" all the friends look and agree that I am the beautiful girl he's been telling them about.
So we pretty much have the same conversation as before except this time he's sober and I'm squiffy, incidentally I happen to be with the same friend. He's not been returning her texts and she's a bit peeved.
She then comes to the bar to look for me and sees him, not a pretty moment. I escape to the loo and then go scrounge a sneaky smoke, I get dizzy and have to sit down, no I'm not sick, just dizzy, honestly you shag one sheep ! Then Mr " You're beautiful " comes to find me followed by my friend who takes me out sharpish to another bar.
Mr "You're beautiful" rings my friend to find out where we've gone and she won't tell him. We go dancing and I was on ferocious form, feeling much more like Missus Party Pants, I have a blast and have to be encouraged home at close of play at 2 am, yes, you did read right, 2 am, me that likes to go to bed the same day she got up ! I had a lovely crowd of wee boys who were highly entertained by my "But I'm 42, I'm old enough to be your mammy" this was discouraging them not at all, your auntie's ego was well and truly stroked but rest assured dear readers, that was the only thing that was.
In the cab on the way home, my friend calls Mr "You're beautiful" and I get dropped off home first, yet again I get the " You're beautiful" and she gets the man.
This morning I found that he'd sneaked his phone number into my jacket pocket.
A few months ago in a town just like yours there was a girly night out. An assortment of 30 and 40 something women were celebrating our good friend's birthday. In a bar, my friend was chatting up this bloke who was quite drunk but fair play to her, she liked him and she wasn't being deterred. I'm very sober and I was kind of on the periphery of this conversation and when she went to the bar he turned to me and gazed straight into my eyes (yes, he indeedily did, gazed is the very word for it) and said in tones that were quite reverential...
"You're beautiful" and then again "You are really beautiful" To emphasise his point he made his friend tell me that when I walked in he told the friend "That girl is beautiful" So the poor sober friend had to back up this story and when my friend came back from the bar and he turned to her and said " Your friend is beautiful" which didn't please her mightily if truth be told.
Now your auntie has had few romantic encounters in her life (oh, don't feel sorry for me, the ones I've had have been top notch, quality over quantity and all that) but the men I have had romantic encounters with have not been the most forthcoming with the compliments or the mush. Which is a shame as I respond very favourably to mush.
So here I am in a bar and a tall dark handsome stranger is telling me I'm beautiful and he then goes on with the compliments likening me to Andrea Corr. My friend at this point is getting Mr "You're beautiful" 's number put into her phone (she can't see without her glasses) by the sober friend who's thinking this is great craic to give the number to the wrong girl. We're still on the " You're beautiful" but this has been joined by " You're nothing like my type, I usually go for big blondes but you are simply ..." and the big crowd of women chime in "beautiful, yes, we know, she's beautiful"
What thinketh your auntie at this point ? Well, it's very flattering really but I kind of got the vibe he was a player, what kind of man goes around telling middle aged women they're beautiful ? One that wants emptied, methinks and I'm quite happy with what I've got thanks and I am so not going to get into an argy bargy with a friend over a bloke. So I persuade friend to go home but in the cab on the way home she calls him and sets up a date.
Intermission
The man and my friend have 4 dates, that's the polite way of saying it. So all of the evening I get the "You're beautiful " and she gets the man.
Part 2
Last night in another bar in another part of town I am getting served, I'm 1 glass of the pink fizzy and I glass of the red down so it's fair to say your auntie was feeling quite squiffy. I turn around and a tall dark handsome man says " It's you isn't it ? " I agree as I wasn't that squiffy and I knew that I was indeed, myself. The man turns to his friends and says "It's the beautiful girl, you know the one, the beautiful girl, she's here" all the friends look and agree that I am the beautiful girl he's been telling them about.
So we pretty much have the same conversation as before except this time he's sober and I'm squiffy, incidentally I happen to be with the same friend. He's not been returning her texts and she's a bit peeved.
She then comes to the bar to look for me and sees him, not a pretty moment. I escape to the loo and then go scrounge a sneaky smoke, I get dizzy and have to sit down, no I'm not sick, just dizzy, honestly you shag one sheep ! Then Mr " You're beautiful " comes to find me followed by my friend who takes me out sharpish to another bar.
Mr "You're beautiful" rings my friend to find out where we've gone and she won't tell him. We go dancing and I was on ferocious form, feeling much more like Missus Party Pants, I have a blast and have to be encouraged home at close of play at 2 am, yes, you did read right, 2 am, me that likes to go to bed the same day she got up ! I had a lovely crowd of wee boys who were highly entertained by my "But I'm 42, I'm old enough to be your mammy" this was discouraging them not at all, your auntie's ego was well and truly stroked but rest assured dear readers, that was the only thing that was.
In the cab on the way home, my friend calls Mr "You're beautiful" and I get dropped off home first, yet again I get the " You're beautiful" and she gets the man.
This morning I found that he'd sneaked his phone number into my jacket pocket.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
At school today...
Open evening for prospective A level students and parents 6 till 8 pm.
Classroom all set up looking very what splendid.
Enticing parents and students to come visit our classroom with offer of free food.
Table of healthy dips and carrot sticks and 2 platters of grapes and strawberries.
5 teachers and a graduate trainee being very earnest, sensible, polite and charming as is our want
End of evening, packing up and leaving, Mr W gets to take all the leftover carrot sticks home and he very innocently says
"I'll need to buy a rabbit"
Your auntie says "Don't think it'll be much use to you"
Before collapsing on the floor, tears blinding me
Nothing like laughing at your own jokes, I'm still laughing now.
Sad article that I am.
Yes, I know I'm supposed to be setting a good example.
Classroom all set up looking very what splendid.
Enticing parents and students to come visit our classroom with offer of free food.
Table of healthy dips and carrot sticks and 2 platters of grapes and strawberries.
5 teachers and a graduate trainee being very earnest, sensible, polite and charming as is our want
End of evening, packing up and leaving, Mr W gets to take all the leftover carrot sticks home and he very innocently says
"I'll need to buy a rabbit"
Your auntie says "Don't think it'll be much use to you"
Before collapsing on the floor, tears blinding me
Nothing like laughing at your own jokes, I'm still laughing now.
Sad article that I am.
Yes, I know I'm supposed to be setting a good example.
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