Tomorrow

Tomorrow The Beautiful Children and I will be going here for half term, I am so looking forward to this.




Every morning we will be waking up to this.



And whilst we are there we have yet another thing to celebrate, I know it doesn't get much better than this !



On Monday my Beautiful Baby Daughter will be 12. I used to sing to her when she was a baby, this is her song...

Wee Tootsie Moppet
Mummies wee poppet
Daddies darling baby girl
You're the best thing in the world.

It doesn't seem like 12 years ago and yet when she's sleeping I really can see the baby version of her. She was the cutest little thing and the most articulate of them all, no matter what she puts her mind to, she'll do it. I would not be surprised to see her running the country one day. My little sweetie scone is not much smaller than me now but she still is and always will be my baby. She looks so much older this year, it's been the one I've seen the most difference in. She has the most glorious mop of titian hair and I am struggling to persuade her to keep it long, I would put ribbons in it, she just rolls her eyes at me. She now has very strong opinions on what she wants to wear and I know I have to let her grow up but she is very probably my last baby and I'd like to keep her that way as long as I can.She has an answer for everything and she can never admit that she's wrong, I don't know wher she gets that from!!! She has the most infectuous laugh and you can't help but join in. She could start a fight in an empty house but still is the most caring of wee souls. She is so enthusiatic and really goes for it, and despite the regular trumpet practice,I love her so very much and I am very priviledged to be her Mummy. She is my heart, mo chridhe.

10 things I cannot live without

My loved ones - my family and friends, you know who you are

Coffee - the bigger the better and if someone else makes it for me, nirvana

Music - in the car, on my ipod and best of all live, upcoming gigs include Glasvegas(again), Primal Scream and the Killers in Belfast, The Signals and The Valentines in ??? I think it's near Linlithgow, maybe Falkirk, I better find out soon and apparently Mr 2 Sox himself is taking me to see The View, any other blogmates want me to accompany them anywhere, just ask away, don't be shy now.

Books - I love reading and always have done, I average about 2 books a week but on holiday will easily read a book a day. Yes, they are proper books, without pictures, grown up ones, the fatter the better.

Blogger - for somone who is as technophobic as me it is relatively easy to do, I love my blog, I love your blogs and I would be so much the poorer if you weren't in my life, thank you for joining me and thank you for letting me share your lives too.

Running - I hate it but I love it, I get so fed up because I don't run in the winter much due to my general wussiness and the fact I won't run in rain, cold or the dark but when I do get on with it, I love the space it makes in my head. Ok and the fact it allows me to eat and still fit into my jeans.

Holidays - God they're good, aren't they ? Throw in some sunshine and you've got me, I will happily go anywhere, I just love new places, revisting places and just not being at home.

Texting - this makes me disproportionately happy, I text all the time, like a teenager. I don't bother with capitals and punctuation much. I adore getting them back too, and if you reply fairly quickly my wee cup of happiness runneth over.

Wine - I like red, rose and fizzy. I now know I can only do 2 or 3 glasses max, it's good to have learned your limits at the early age of 42, I feel.

Kissing - the more the better, I feel I don't get enough of this. I will happily smooch till my lips are frayed at the edges. I want to practice this till I get to Olympic standard.

10 Things I really, really have to do in the next week

Tomorrow I have to get on t'internet and book tickets to see The Killers. They're touring and I have a notion to go and see them in Belfast. I love Belfast and apparently it's very what trendy now.

I really can't put that feckin tax return off any longer.

Ditto the Rarpa file ( very boring paperwork for Ofsted which is now 3 months late)

Pay my M&S credit card bill of £952.12, due tomorrow.

Mark 15 essays for my AS level students.

Get out of going speed dating with my friend Melanie, I'm so not doing that, even though I do love her and want to support her, the line has been drawn.

Try and talk Beautiful Baby Daughter out of wanting a 12 foot trampoline for her forthcoming birthday, it will eat my garden and I'll have nowhere to put my whirly.

On Tuesday go to a tutor development meeting for my adult ed job at the same time as my book group meeting which is held in the pub, oh, I wonder which one I prefer ?

On Thursday be a prospective parent looking round my school with The Beautiful Son at open evening whilst simultaneously being in my classroom as a teacher talking to prospective parents at open evening

Get on a plane and head off to the sunshine.

10 Things I really, really want

I've sat here for ages trying to write this. The things I think would make my life sooooo much more pleasurable. Lots of wasted time, umming and aahing, what do I come up with ?

Straight teeth, perkier bosoms and a psychology degree.

There were other little minor things, a Prada handbag, a Tiffany pendant that I am coveting with covety covetousness, a weekend away with a hot man and my tax return to be miraculously done, if the hot man can do that while I am luxuriating in the bath in the posh hotel room so much the better!

Dare I say this ? Could this possibly mean that Pollyanna is actually quite contented with her lot ? Am I happy ?

I've lost it

I got my copy of our corporate plan (no, I don't know why schools have such a thing either but I've found it best to just keep quiet) So, I'm reading my department's section, I'm not too fussed about the other lots, just my bit. I read about what our plan was for last year and how we acheived it and it all sounded very what splendid.

I read about how we had appointed AG as a Subject Specialist and that this extra cost was justified as we had a complete 100% pass at A level etc blah blah blah. I momentarily wondered why I'd never met our subject specialist and mused over how strange it was that we had the same initials...

Yep, it's official, my brain has retired.

The Beautiful Son

The Beautiful Son talked at me for a bit yesterday. This is extremely unusual as he is not generally given to conversation, what with him being a teenage boy and all and he remains, despite my best efforts, a complete alpha male in training and totally not in touch with his feminine side. I spend a lot of time with him but we don't talk much, I like that, it's peaceful. His sisters would never sit in silence with me but he often does, I can be reading my book and he just either sits or lies beside me twirling a strand of my hair as he has done since he was a tiny baby.

The funniest part of this is because he is very quiet and he hardly ever converses like this, he does talk and stuff but he rarely expresses his opinions. The topic of this monologue was his forthcoming school council elections and he was so funny, he could have been on "Grumpy Old Men" It was quite ranty and there was't too much pause for breath. I think he used up a week's worth of conversation on this. I can't remember verbatim what he said but it was along the lines of.

AG - How was school today ?

TBS - I'm well pissed off

AG - Why ? ( very suprised at not receiving the customary grunt that tells me to shut the feck up )

TBS - You know the school elections ?

AG - Yeah ( but really means no as he hasn't mentioned them at all)

TBS - If you throw sweets into the crowd at the end of the vote for me bit, you get disqualified

AG - So ?

TBS - I managed to get into the 2nd row, right in the centre, prime postition, was bound to get plenty and then the fascists didn't let them chuck the sweets in

AG - non committal noises

TBS - I went into school early for that (in a disgruntled tone)

AG - Ah, give yourself peace,

TBS - And the school council never do anything

AG - If you don't step up to the plate don't moan about the others that do

TBS - Would you give YOURSELF peace, they only go to bloomin meetings, don't decide things and eat biscuits

AG - clamped as she knows that's exactly how most school meetings go.

So, not long in length but succinct and to the point.

10 Places I Have Never Been

I do actually want to go to all of these places, in no particular order.

Australia

South Africa

Havana

Istanbul

The Maldives

Berlin

Hong Kong

Brighton

Dubai

The Outer Hebrides


I'm not complaining mind, I've been very fortunate and have been to lots of fantastic places and there are many more that didn't make the 10. I've got another 10 that I've been to and would love to go back over and over again. I'm in a 10 frame of mind at the moment.

10 Things I have Never Done

Had sex in a car (yes, even in that BMW at the weekend)

Taken any recreational drugs except cannabis

Been arrested or been given a caution

Been truly malicious or vindictive

Been unfaithful

Been tattooed (I did think about getting it done when I was 40 but my mother was horrified, so I didn't as I didn't want to upset my mammy)

Been actually at Murrayfield watching Scotland beat England and lift The Calcutta cup

Been in a hot air balloon

Swum with dolphins

Had a Prada handbag

So continuing on the last post's theme, I still am, pretty much a good girl and I can wear my Pollyanna badge with pride. Okay, I'll hold my hands up, for an ex punk, I've led a pretty tame life. But as my song says " If destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my life"

Time to get busy...

I've been a good girl, I have

This weeks total of bad behaviour

I have eaten a whole Fruit and Nut toblerone, bought to accompany the viewing of my new Sex and The City DVD.

Out on Wednesday night, 3 glasses of pink fizzy, no sneaky fags, no snogging.

Out on Friday night, 2 Gin and Tonics, 1 sneaky fag, no snogging.

Out on Saturday night, 1 glass of pink, 2 and a half sneaky fags, copious amounts of snogging, on the rooftop terrace of a bar and then (hangs head in shame) more snogging on the back seat of a BMW (I know,everybody hates BMW drivers but I can't escape them, only BMW drivers find me attractive)

BUT

I have ran twice (to combat the fruit and nut toblerone)

I went to church this morning for Harvest festival, so I think overall, your auntie has behaved quite well this week.

Clothes Maketh The Woman

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in posession of a credit card, must be in want of a shop (or 6)

My name is auntiegwen and I am a shopper, not to Olympic standard like the daughters but I'm not too shabby.

I like clothes and shoes and handbags but I'm not particularly adventurous, I tend to buy the same types of things. I have in my posession 4 grey cardigans, I'm too scared to count my Petit Bateau childrens vests (age 12) and my jeans (Gap) so regular me is jeans, vest tops and a cardie, I am very fond of my grey cashmere Gap one and also my new long boyfriend one from M and S.

Due to a change in hours and timetabling I have to be smart 4 days per week now, I used to only have to do 2, that's hard. I'm of an age (you probably noticed) and I want to look stylish but not old enough to know better, and that's becoming tricky, I'm not ready to look like a middle aged woman. I think because from age 18 to 33 I didn't have to think about work clothes because I was in a nurses uniform, so I do casual well, I'm told I scrub up well in my posh going out stuff but work ????

At school, my students really do critique what I wear and my fondness for wrap around DVF style dresses (2 black, long sleeved and sleeveless, 1 black and red, 1 black and grey and 2 green) makes Eldest Beautiful Daughter call me a refugee from a Boden catalogue. Incidentally these draw the most comments from staff, last week I got 3 compliments in my green Boden wrap round. Students tend to like trouser and long cardi combo's.

Yesterday I went off in black trousers, a fitted white shirt and a black waistcoat and I was feeling very what smart until Rik, my head of department said " Looking smart today, auntie, off to referee a snooker match at lunchtime ? "

No, but I'm off shopping today to find smart, stylish, age appropriate clothes that are as comfy as my jeans, vest top and cardi combos, am I asking too much ?

Again, with feeling, I am a lucky, lucky girl

You know how I always tell you, I'm a lucky lucky girl ?

Well, I am.

I'm alive, healthy and not too insolvent (credit card bill this month under a grand, yes, that is for a month, what can I do ?, the kids keep eating and demanding new kit for all the myriad of activities they collectively partake of, oh alright I bought shoes and some fancy knickers too)

I had a blissful Saturday night.

Today, the beautiful children and I went to Pizza Express for lunch and to see The Boy in Striped Pyjamas at the cinema. This is a delicately acted film with real pathos about the unlikely friendship between two little boys, one the son of a high ranking Nazi and the other a Jewish concentration camp inmate. My girls and I cried buckets at the end, and when we were walking from the cinema, my beautiful son put his arm around my shoulders and kept it there all through town to the car park.

I am really and truly blessed, I've never known real hardship in my life, I've never been persecuted for my ideas or beliefs, I've never been hungry and I've always had a home and I've always had love.

I love my life, I love the very bones of my children, I have people to care about and people who care about me and my children are safe, well and happy. That's not too shabby is it ? Trust me, I am unbelievably grateful for it.

Because Tom Foolery asked me to...

Here you have regular auntiegwen, albeit in her best frock before a night out, taken in my friend Melanie's bedroom.




Now scroll down to see me do my Sarah Palin inpersonation, using Mel's glasses this time.

Black Boxes

Go me, I managed to add something to my blog.

Have a go, click on the black box and see where it takes you, but I warn you, it's more addictive than fruit and nut toblerones, and that's saying something !!!

ps in a techie kind of way, can someone help me to do a click on the word thingy so you can all read himself's proper review of the Glasvegas gig, because it's worth reading, he's very clever, and he writes well too.

Glasvegas at The Plug

Last night we went to see Glasvegas at The Plug in Sheffield. They're a band from Glasgow and have become very special to us. This was a romantic gesture from himself to me and the gig meant a lot to us. Strange band to be romantic to but hey, we wouldn't be any other way.

Apologies for the plentiful swearing, it may not be everyones cup of tea but I love them, they're raw and I'm from Glasgow and an ex punk, I can cope with a bit swearing.

I won't wax lyrical
a because I can't and
b because himself wants to write about it when he remembers his blogger password.

So I'll give you the non music bits and less considered prose.

I had to translate quite a bit,eg a square go means a challenge to a fight, himself hasn't been blessed and isn't Scottish like me, so some of our more quaint sayings bemuse him. I did think that most of the audience had no clue what the band were trying to say.

He took me to see the Fuck the English, Scotland the Brave graffiti that was a kind of make up gesture after a little disagreement.

I lost 1 of my best earrings (Gucci, white gold, I know I'm sad about that too, no I don't know why I wore them either)

From the fountains to the carpark, I had a blast and there is no one else I'd have wanted to see them with.

So please click on the logo Glasvegas and read the proper review.

Sarah Palin

Ok, what gives ?

Why do men of a certain age find her attractive ? Just about every man I know is drooling over her. Even my drunkety, drunk, drunk co conspirator.

Yesterday, I sneaked off work and met him for lunch. I wore a sexy black suit with a tight pencil skirt, the infamous LKB shoes, stuck my hair up again and borrowed The Beautiful Son's glasses.

Putty in my hands.

Could this be a new career for me ? Would people pay money for this ?

Drunkety, drunk, drunk...again

Saturday evening

Friend's 40th (quite a special friend)

Out in town, 3 coats of mascara and hair up, was told I was looking "foxy", also had been informed that I was irresistable , this was a good week for your auntie, premium quality mush was coming my way.

Copious amounts of flirting, truly outrageous amounts, not behaving age appropriately AT ALL, in fact, behaving very badly in 1 bar, your auntie was definitely on a promise

3 glasses of the pink stuff, I kid you not, only 3

1 cheeky/sneaky fag, of the regular variety

1 extremely dizzy auntiegwen

Ashamed to say, did actually vomit, in public, I know, the shame of it, on my sexy L.K.Bennett £129 shoes too !

Was taken home

Managed to take clothes off, brush teeth and put myself to bed, alone, in my fancy underwear, which didn't get the appreciation it deserved on the cost per wear aspect.

Fell fast asleep

Birthday friend waited for an hour

Birthday friend then drove home ( miles away, at least 40 miles) but phoned several times to check on me

Still fast asleep, didn't answer any calls or return texts

Was awakened by friend, next morning, who's driven back because they've spent the whole night worrying about me

Lovely friend didn't yell at me for spoiling evening, or worrying them half to death, even brought me my coffee in bed.

I didn't even have the decency to be hung over !

Again, I apologize for my outrageous behaviour, I spend a lot of time apologizing ! usually to the same person. I have to face sad facts, I am going to have to grow up.

Susan

This is a sad post, best to warn you now in case you're not up for it.

The Beautiful Mother has a best friend called Susan, she's the friend you have to call Auntie even though she's not. My Mum and Susan have been friends for years and she's been there all the way through my teens (and tantrums) and now into my middle age (slightly less tantrums). My parents and Susan and John spent masses of time together especially now since myself and my sister and Susan and John's 2 sons have grown up. My Mum sees her every day.

Susan is very bright, articulate, stylish and on the money, she is a serial entrepeneur and a real force to be reckoned with. She's great fun and has always been a fantastic friend and support to my family, she's always been there. My sister is very close to her and when my sister was getting engaged Susan gave her her own engagement ring as she has no daughter, she's that kind.

Susan's mum Margaret developed Polycystic Kidney Disease and went on dialysis when I was in High School. My Mum and Susan set up a branch of the British Kidney Patients Association as there was no local one and raised shed loads of money. Margaret had 2 transplants which both sadly failed and she died after a long struggle with the disease whilst only in her 60's.

Susan and her brothers were both tested as PKD is an inherited disease, both brothers were clear but Susan tested positive, in 2003 her kidneys began to fail and Susan went on dialysis. The last 5 years have been so incredibly tough for her family, Susan chose not to go on the transplant list because of what her own mother went through, so every night she would hook up her bags and dialyse through the night, living with a chronic disease takes a big toll on everyone but they were managing.

Over the last year, Susan has become increasingly unwell, she is unrecognizable from the woman she really is and has been unable to move around without a zimmer frame and when she goes out she needs one of them old lady scooter things, my mum is a dab hand and dismantling and re assembling them. Her quality of life has taken a complete nose dive. Her husband has had to give up their very successful business and now works part time locally and my mum goes in when he is at work.

Susan has spent the last 3 weeks in hospital, last week her heart stopped but she was resuscitated. She is so incredibly tired and yesterday when my mum went to see her, she told her of her decision to stop dialysis, she will only live for a week or two maximum without it.

She feels she doesn't want to just exist and that she has no quality of life, she will leave behind a husband, 2 sons one of whom's partner is expecting their first baby and my mum. I wonder how they feel. Numb, probably.

She's only 52.

The Best Laid Plans

Let me set the scene for you, try and paint you a picture...

Monday morning

Lesson 3 finishing at 11.40 am in 1 part of the college and lesson 4 also starting at 11.40 in the opposite part of college. Note to self, perfect art of time travel asap. Lesson lasts for 50 minutes.

22 new year 10 students (age 14)- these are the youngest in our school having just joined from middle school.

1 table of girls who will have to be split up at next lesson, too mouthy and sparking each other off. Find out later, mouthiest was expelled from last school.

New classroom

New tables which can have their top tilted up for stacking against the walls, have a kind of bar thing underneath which keeps them stable, this is easily dislodged when they put their knees under the desk. I like knees under the desk, I feel it's the only place to put them in a classroom setting.

Store cupboard containing textbooks, pens, paper etc, locked and key not on hook in our office as is it's want, key in lesson 3 teachers pocket, lesson 3 teacher gone who knows where? for a fag and/or a gin? nah,more boringly, probably to lesson 4.

Teacher computer has no keyboard, can't log in and take register, take paper register, will use office PC after lesson. Tech feckin ology.

All 22 students have to get a laptop out of the lap safe, double locked but with key fortunately. All 22 students have to have laptop log signed by me to ensure we know who's broken what laptop. Cynicism thy name is Gwen.

As students are so new, lots of their personal log in's don't work, advise them to go to IT support at lunchtime. Note to self, avoid or bribe IT technician ? can't remember what strategy used last term.

Re-arrange students so they can at least share a computer, look at clock 20 minutes of lesson gone. Feeling slightly hot now, and not in a good way.

Ask students to get out homework co teacher has set as this forms basis for my lesson. Resist urge to make smart arse derogatory comment on the odds of a clean sweep.

8 students out of 22 have done as requested, get them started on task.

Get 14 students who didn't do homework to start homework in my lesson.

Table dislodges and tilts, fortunately laptop falls onto student and not floor.

Miraculously some work actually gets done by some students. Not much, but I'm grateful for small mercies, hey I'm middle aged I take what I can get at all times.

Wasp flies in window, CHAOS ensues, students scream, (especially the 3 mouthy ones at back table) jump up and try and run away, room very cramped, chairs get knocked, someone trips over a bag.

I tell them to sit down and keep still, I'm accused of not caring if they're stung, they're right, I hope several wasps come in and sting them right on their gobs, I have a split second vision of a cloud of bees surrounding the challenging students heads, bad auntiegwen bad, I'm only worried that the brand new laptops will fall on the floor in the melee.

Look at clock, 7 minutes left of lesson, finally admit defeat.

Collect in all 22 laptops, checking for damage and sign log to say they're ok.

Class leave.

Big sigh from me.

Look at the all singing all dancing, shiny, hopeful, well balanced and carefully thought out lesson plan, with differentiation and everything. I swear it smirked at me.

Game's a bogie.

Aawh, the nice

The Beautiful Son had all his long floppy hair cut off in the first week of the school holidays. I was kinda sad as I liked his long hair but he made the decision and off it came.

He returned to school on Thursday and on Thursday night he received a text. This was from a girl who has been keen on him since last September, she really is a lovely girl but girls are just not on his radar yet. Fair play to her, she's kept up this texting for a year, she's patient, she's loyal and she's obviously prepared to play a long game. I like her already.

The text said " I like your new haircut, it reminded me of a baby bird, all sweet and fluffy"

Just what my rugby playing, jackass video making, electric guitar playing, Linkin Park, Foo Fighters and Nirvana adoring, wanna be alpha male, teenage son wants to be compared to !

Dublin

The happy happy day FINALLY arrived, whaddya mean, what happy day ?

The day the mummy and the lara went to see the mighty Killers, silly




A middle aged woman who's old enough to know better and an over excited teenager went to the airport. Aren't you glad you weren't sitting beside us ? Both giddy with excitement but she'd had a fair ammount of sugar as well.



We arrived in Dublin, got a bus into the city centre and started exploring. I asked her to hold the map for me as I had the bags, she stuck it in her pocket and lost it 20 seconds later ! This was to be a recurring theme. I've been to Dublin lots, this was the EBD first time, she loved it, she really really likes accents and she likened it to being in Glasgow with the humour and random people talking to you. We went to Bewley's for lunch and saw some sights before off to the hotel to get changed for the gig. We got another map from the hotel and found our way to where the concert buses were leaving. Great great craic on the bus out. When we got to Marlay Park, they were giving out free lollies and pink wigs, I confess I did take a lolly.




On arrival, I rolled up my jeans and prepared to get my flip flops muddy, this was a real chore for herself as my poor baby has a phobis about feet, she hates them, even her own but I have no wellies, so I reckoned I'd just wash the mud off afterwards. There was a lot of muttering about how daft it was not to be wearing converse but at the end of the night, hers were trashed (yet another pair bites the dust) and I could wash my feet. A pint of lager helped her through this trauma.




Your auntie got a wee bit excited at having her merlot in a field in a plastic glass, classy eh ?






The atmosphere was simply amazing, we met a really nice couple of guys from Preston, they were great company, my age, and we smiled a few times at the antics of the very boisterous Irish crowd that Lara was befriended by. The older couple of guys were kind enough to give Lara their ticket as yes, you guessed it, she lost ours out of her pocket when she was crowd surfing, and she keeps all her tickets as minders.We really were lucky to meet such a lovely crowd of young lads, 1 of whom was a physio student in Edinburgh, they were great craic and stuck us on their shoulders for a better view, this is a very happy daughter during "All these things that I have done"



This concert was brilliant, The Killers were amazing, a short set but worth every penny of the £500 in total that I spent. The very first song that they played was " For Reasons Unknown" which some of you may know is the theme tune for my new life. I had said to the people we met I didn't care what they played as long as that was on. It was just magical, especially as it was the first song, just like it was meant for me. Going to this concert was the first thing I've done in a long time that was just for me, a real piece of selfishness, when they played the opening bars, Lara just looked at me and we screamed together and then started moshing like mad. I have to say that that was the best 4 minutes of my life. Really and truly, so I apologize to anyone who has had a 4 minute moment with me, you didn't make the cut.

PLEASE PLEASE click on the wee thingy, share with me the best 4 minutes of my life.



The whole thing was brilliant, I enjoyed Bloc Party but I was only there for The Killers, and I wish I could put into words how fantastic it was for me.

After the concert we waited an hour in a queue for the bus back into Dublin city centre but as always the great craic kept us mightily entertained. As herself had lost the map again, when we got off the bus as we were both wiped and it was after 1 am, we got a taxi back to the hotel. This was the best 10 euro I have ever spent as the taxi driver should have been doing stand up at the Edinburgh Festival. He was very non PC but hysterically funny, he kept going on about us paying good money to stand "like knackers in a field" paying over the odds for crap beer " up to your tits in mud" in the strongest Dub accent you've ever heard. When we got back it took me ages to get the mud off my feet but eventually I was clean enough for herself and I was allowed to get into the bed.


At breakfast, she decided she would bring home the Matthew (chief matey boy, well beloved of both the Mummy and the Lara) a pot of jam and donate the pink wig of the night before. The Lara decided it would be a gas laugh if we did a little tour of Dub with the jam and the pink wig.




The mummy was a bit concerned about walking around with the Lara in a pink wig and a pot of jam but found it easier just to accept what she couldn't understand.




We took Matthew's jam sightseeing, he went to Starbuck's in O' Connell St, to visit Molly Malone's statue, to St Stephen's Green and to Trinity College.




Finally, just before we went to the airport we took Matthew's jam for a Guiness.

The rules according to me

I have decided to publish this set of rules in the interests of clarity and fair play. Just so there's no misunderstanding and when I put on my cross voice and give you my "I'm very disappointed in you face"

The Beautiful Children Rules

Stop feckin fighting with each other and for my time and attention, you are wearing me out. When I am on the phone, leave the room, you are not an enhancement to my conversation. If I am going out do not give me an interrogation that the CIA would be proud of, accept my vague explanation of me going to see a friend without demanding proof of who where when and why, I am fortyfeckintwo and I am entitled to a teeny tiny bit of privacy. You are not allowed to drink, smoke, take drugs, listen to crap music or have sex until you are 18, I would prefer 36 but I am a reasonable woman. The caveat to this includes 18 and not living with me. Wait till you get to University and knock yourself out.

The Beautiful Children's friends aka The Matey Boys rules

I do not wish to see your pants - ever. If you wish to wear your trousers just below your arse, when with me ensure you have a long enough t shirt to cover them. You are not allowed to have inappropriate thoughts about me, I will never entertain you, I have tea towels older than you and it grosses out Eldest Beautiful Daughter.

The Beautiful House rules

Don't break things, occasionally try and investigate what the Dyson does, do not put empty things back into the fridge or cupboard, lock the door when you leave and never poo in the downstairs loo or even worse my ensuite.


The Beautiful Students rules

No visible pants allowed (see TBC friends rules for further explanation if necessary). Do not use your mobile in lessons, if I catch you doing so I will speak to the other person and embarass you mightily. If I catch you texting I will read your most entertaining messages aloud to the class. If you are MSN ing or facebooking or myspacing, prepare to be ripped apart, I have a pithy wit and I'm not afraid to use it in print. No gum allowed, I don't like it. I will only allow Ipod usage when I am not speaking and only if I can find something on your ipod that I would personally listen to. I cannot bear and will not allow the phrases "innit, well good/bad or huh." This may be added to from time to time depending on your behaviour, language and demeanor and what time of the month it is or how TBC are behaving.

I am thinking of having the students rules printed up and distributed at the beginning of term as I am a middle aged woman with too much time and access to a laminator ( little in joke for sixy and her partner, it's a fab quote pinched shamelessly from him)

There I give you the law and gospel accoring to St Gwen. We should have no problems now.

Smile, Mummy

I was going out on Friday evening as was Eldest Beautiful Daughter. I was going to the local pub, so local I can see my front room from their beer garden and Eldest Beautiful Daughter was going to a fancy dress birthday party.

EBD went as Magenta Devine from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. For the uninitiated, a big fave film of mine and EBD (taught her everything she knows, esp the bad, age inappropriate stuff)
Magenta basically looks like a French Maid, very short black puffball dress, white apron, black fishnets, black Mary Janes (EBD are double strapped) and madly backcombed hair and lashings of mascara and black eyeliner. To be fair, it's not madly different from her normal Emo ish going out look.

The dress in question she uses is 3 years old and EBD had grown a lot in height over the last 3 years. I did mention this fact in a vaguely concerned mummy type fashion that that was what every Mummy wanted her very beautiful 16 year old daughter to be cutting about on a Friday night dressed like a French Maid and that I hoped she had on a sturdy pair of pants, my preference would have been for her to be wearing The Beautiful Son's black rugby shorts. Herself just laughed at me and said " Silly Mummy, pat the silly Mummy" and she pats me on the head, she is way taller than me, she does this a lot as it makes me howl with laughter and usually allows her to escape my displeasure/annoyance/telling off etc etc.

So off she goes and I get into the shower, when I'm all wet I reach for my shaving gel and razor, only to find them not there. EBD has come in to my ensuite and nicked my shaving gear, and has left it in the children's bathroom. This is not the first time and it really really annoys me. I know I shouldn't moan about trivial stuff really but I get so cross that the girls just help themselves to my stuff that's bad enough but not to return it just makes me even more cross.

When I get out the shower I send her a passive aggressive text message ( I am good at passive aggressive) that says

"Eldest Beautiful Daughter (using her full first, middle and surname, that's how you know the mummy is really cross with you)

I am really really cross with you (making your point)

You nicked my shaving gear AGAIN (in capitals, emphasising your point)

Didn't return it AGAIN and now I have to go out with hairy legs ( more capitals, she knows I don't generally bother with them or punctuation, so really emphasising the point)

You are very selfish (playing the guilt card)

I am so cross with you that I will only put 1 kiss at the end of this message ( I end all messages to my children with love you or love you lots and usually their age in kisses - I am now overgilding the lily and this is the passive aggressive part)

Her reply

" I'm sorry Mummy, I have no money to buy my own and I forgotted. Please don't be cross. Smile, ( a wee smiley face picture is at this bit) I'm wearing 2 pairs of pants, under and over tights for super safety and I won't take them off all night, even if a hot boy asks me nicely. Love you xx "

That's when I stopped being cross and started laughing. Again,that's why I love my children.

The moral of the story is...

Once upon a time there was a woman who fell in love. The man she loved shared the same birthday as she did. She felt this gave them a special bond. The woman fell out of love with the man and they parted but she was still grateful for the time they had shared together and wished him no harm.

On the shared birthday the woman sent a very carefully worded and thoughtful email to the man. He replied from his work email address...

"Thanks, hope you had a good one too...K" and underneath was his name and job title.

Mr Ex Boyfriend
Communications Manager, Europe.

The woman laughed for quite a long time and wondered when he would realise he didn't quite have the appropriate skill set for that particular role.

The End

Forty feckin Two

I have been showered with gifts, cards, texts and emails, I thank you kindly.

Filthiest card of the day award goes to The Edge

Funniest message written inside the card goes to The Beautiful Son.

Drunkety, Drunk, Drunk

Oh yes, I was

The recipe ?

4 women old enough to know better

1 birthday night out ( me on Tues, herself on Fri)

3 bottles of pink fizzy and no dinner

Watch Mama Mia - we had the singalong version (no, the other cinema goers weren't expecting that and surprisingly no one complained, not even when we waved our mobile phones ( for the lights) in the air at the slow ones, I like to think we enhanced their enjoyment !)

Round the evening off with some late night flirty texting.

There you have it

Drunkety, drunk, drunk